Wednesday June 1st 2011

I havent posted in awhile so I guess I better give a quick update of everything that's been going on.

First off I had surgery on May 16th to remove the port out of my chest. The surgery itself was quick but they left me waiting for over 4 hours before they finally wheeled me in for surgery. So I'm even more sure that I'll no longer come back to this hospital once treatment is completey finished. I have come to despise this place and its people very much.

The incision has almost completely healed now. There will be a permanent scar there to remind me of this journey.

I have finally gone back to working out consistently on a daily basis. This was good to help relax the very tight muscle in my right arm. Now that its loosened I can raise my arm above my head and the swelling has gone down in my right breast so that it now appears almost perfectly normal.

I have 11 more radiation treatments left. Radiation is a daily Mon-Fri routine that you get used to as an interuption in your life. I have it first thing in the morning before work which took me some time to adjust to but I'm used to it now. The only down side is I've burned real bad now on the underside of my breast. They warn you that it can happen and now that it has I can tell you it is very painful. The rest of my breast for now is ok but the underside looks almost like a 3rd degree burn. I am trying hard to push myself through these last treatments but it gets harder and harder by the day. I dont want to take a break because that just adds to my time but how can you keep going when your boob is crispy? Sigh..

3 more days it will be exactly 6 mos since I was diagnosed with cancer. God willing I will finish treatment on June 15th which will be just past 6 mos since I started treatment. It has been a very long hard sometimes sad and extremely painful journey. There are days when you dont know how much more you can endure. When you want to give up but you keep going because you know you have to. I have seen the best and worst in others and found a strength inside of myself I didnt know I had.

I have been accepted to the University of Tennessee in Knoxville TN. My younger brother's in laws are permitting me to live in the home they own there while I attend school. I will be moving to Knoxville in August. The thought of leaving the only home I've ever known makes me very nervous, but I know that if I can survive a terminal illness I can get through 2 years of being a broke starving full time college student. I'm ready for the new adventure.

Wednesday May 11 2011- Day 128

I slept decent as I'm noticing he & I arent talking as much which really bothers me but there is nothing I can do. I get dressed and leave and get to treatment early. I am always tired but I somehow manage to keep a sense of humor about things. Today is doctor day which means this will be my first weekly visit with Dr. Ojong. After treatment I stay in my gown and go upstairs to wait outside 1 of the exam rooms. One of the nurses, Melanie, comes over and takes my blood pressure, weight, and temperature. She asks me how is treatment going. I tell her about the pain I'm experiencing in my nipple. She makes a note of it and leaves. Dr. Ojong arrives and we go in the exam room. I open my gown and he examines my breast. He asks if they have removed fluid from my breast as it appears to have some swelling I tell him no. He makes a note and says ok. He asks about the pain in my nipple and he tells me to ice it with the small ice pak he gives me. He asks if I'm having any other problems and I tell him no. He asks if I'm using any creams. I tell him yes twice a day. He says ok. After that I get dressed and leave. I get to work a little early and work through the morning. I do another day of circuit training and I work hard and intense til every muscle hurts. I finish and go back to work and finish out my day. I am exhausted so I shower and get ready for bed. I eat dinner and go to bed by 9. I text him during the night and we have a brief argument before I fall back to sleep.

Tuesday May 10 2011- Day 127

I wanted to talk to him a little through the night but I slept pretty good & only sent him 1 text which he didnt answer. I get out the bed and get ready for my day. I wake my roommate and have him get dressed so he can give me a ride to treatment. He gets ready and we head out the door. On my way there he text me and we go back and forth briefly. My roommate gets me to treatment at 8 am which is still 10 mins early but later than I normally get there. The difference is immediately felt when I get inside and they tell me to go downstairs. Already there are people waiting and 1 person changing. I change and as I'm coming out someone else comes in to change so now there are 4 of us waiting and 1 person in treatment. Needless to say it's going to be a long morning. I end up not getting out of treatment til 5 after 9 so I call my job to let them know that they were running behind and I would be there shortly. I hop on the train and ride 2 stops and hurry to my office arriving at 9:21. I ask my co-worker to go get me my smoothie and he does so atleast my day wont be off so much. I get through the morning and go to lunch to workout. I did circuit training yesterday so today I'm going to do some cardio. I finish my workout and go back to the office and finish out my day. When I get home my roommate is still home with pinkeye and he has eaten everything in sight so I know I'm going to have to order some food. I order some food from the carryout and go get it. I eat then shower and then lay down for the night. I fall asleep a little after 9 then wake up and go back to bed after 12.

Monday May 9 2011- Day 126

I am awake early mainly because I didnt sleep so well. I get dressed and get out the door and ride the subway to the treatment center. As I am 1 stop away I doze off & wake up as we are departing my stop. I have to get off the subway and ride back 1 stop and walk to the center but I'm still early thankfully. I'm usually the 2nd to arrive so I never have to wait long. So radiation is simple enough. I arrive and sign in. I wait til they call me downstairs. I go down to the women's lockerroom and I undress from the waist up & put on a gown and put all my possesions in a locker. I come out and wait in a chair that is separated by a screen from where 2 techs stand. One of the techs will come from behind the screen and call me over. I stand before a screen which has my picture on it along with xrays and alignment information. They ask my date of birth and I let them know then they lead me back to the radiation room. This room has a 6 foot thick lead door which swings open when we approach. In the center of the room is a machine that looks similar to a CT scan machine. I untie my gown and remove my arm from the right sleeve so that the gown hangs off my right side exposing my right breast (the one undergoing treatment). I lie back on the table and put one arm over my head in an arm rest that holds it in position during treatment. A foam pad is placed under my knees and a ring is placed around my feet to hold them together. One tech constantly pulls the sheet beneath me to adjust me just right under the machine. She is aligning the tattoos on my body with alignment measurements they have in their system for me. The second tech will highlight the tattoos over my right breast with a white marking pen to be sure they arent mistaken for moles and use these as a guideline for aligning the machine. The first tech will get a length of gauze and wrap it to use as a pad under my right breast to hold it up away from my chest area beneath. They have me turn my head all the way to the left and tell me to hold still. They make final alignments and have the machine which swings back and forth, moved off to the left side of my right breast. They then leave the room and the heavy lead door closes behind them. After a minute the machine makes a few clicking noises and then the treatment begins. I can neither see nor feel anything the only indication that I'm being radiated is the loud buzzing which continues for 30 seconds. It stops an the machine is adjusted and I am radiated a 2nd time on the left side for another 30 seconds. After this the machine is moved off to the right side of my breast. The tech comes in and changes a glass screen over the machine, slides it into place and leaves again. After another minute the same radiation done on the left side is done on the right. After this the 2 techs return to the room as the machine slides back to its original position. They adjust the table to bring me down and they remove the gauze from under my breast. I drop my arm, turn my head and put my arm back in my right sleeve before swinging my feet off to the right side of the table and getting up. This is the completion of treatment so I thank my techs and leave back to the lockerroom to change and leave. I hop back on the subway and even though in my head I know I'm supposed to ride 2 stops I get off just 1 stop over and walk out the subway station. When I get outside I realize my error and walk back downstairs and get back on the subway and head the 1 stop to my job. I stop and get my usual smoothie called a Power Booster (strawberries, banana, orange juice, protein powder & plain yogurt) and get to work early. I work through my morning and at lunch go and workout. I circuit train and do 5 mins of jogging on the treadmill then head back to the office with a salad and crystal light. I eat lunch then head home for the day. I get off at Capitol Heights metro and meet my roommate. I go home and change and then ride with him while he gets his infected eye examined. We then go to drop a phone off to his mother and she has us run her to the store. By this time it is close to 9 pm and I have to go to bed in an hour so I get him to stop so I can get some dinner. I get home, change into my night clothes & eat quickly. I fall asleep then I get up and shower and go back to bed where I sleep off and on til 4:47 am.

Sunday May 8th 2011- Day 125

Today is Mother's Day and for me it is a heartbreaking gut wrenching day. I wake up around 8 am but realize I'm still tired so go back to sleep. I get up again around 10:30 am and go talk to Miguel. I'm so depressed & unhappy but I try hard to keep from crying. I miss my mom with all my heart & soul. On top of that he is acting funny again & I cant turn to him for the support I need on this day. Miguel & I watch a movie & I finally make myself eat some breakfast. It is now late afternoon & I just want to curl up in bed. Later Miguel asks me to leave his room so he can call his girlfriend. I go out and eat a little something and then lay on my bed. In the silence of my bed I feel the pain in my heart overwhelm me. I start sobbing uncontrollably. Someone once asked me when do you get over the loss of your mom. Never..not till the day you leave the planet. You learn to live with the loss and the pain subsides to become bearable but never do you just get over it. Days like today when everyone is celebrating their mom are the days I miss her the most. When I grieve the most for not having her by my side. He texts me & I return it but I'm angry with him for being distant again when I need him the most. He gets angry with my text & goes to end the conversation which I dont care about but I let him know what's going on with me. He apologizes but still ends the conversation which is fine by me because I really dont want to talk to him or anyone else. I hop in the shower and cry until I realize even the shower isnt going to help. I get dressed & go back to lay on my bed again. My roommate comes out the room & sees me crying on my bed and tries to console me. It doesnt work. I pull out my laptop and I begin to look for my mom. I dont know where she's buried..I want to find her. I look online and find her last known address and begin an online search of the cemeteries around the area. I dont find her. Meanwhile my brother calls me as he's looking for my step-mother's grave. He's in the cemetary but cant find the exact spot. I try to help him from memory but I havent been to her grave since she passed. I tell him to call my dad or my sister but he says neither are answering. I cant think of the exact spot but try to describe it. He hangs up and I focus my attention back to my search. I give up & close my laptop & lay down. I want to take a nap but I know I won't fall asleep. I get up and cook some food and eat a little dinner before lying in bed & watching tv. I get up later & take some sleep meds so I can fall asleep early. He text me late & ask me if I'm feeling better but I'm not & the way he's acting lately isnt helping. I tell him so & he stops texting so I fall asleep.

Saturday May 7 2011- Day 124

I wake up early so Miguel and I can hit the grocery store. I look to see about getting a store bought cake but they are so expensive I change my mind and decide to bake one along with cookies & brownies. We get home with the stuff and Miguel leaves to return the car while I lay down and take a nap. I wake up in the afternoon and start baking all the items I'm making. I eat breakfast while I'm baking and when I'm done I text my brother to ask what time he's coming to get me. He arrives around 8 pm and we get to his house around 8:30. I'm the first to arrive which is fine I get time to play with Tatiana before everyone gets there. She and I have fun while everyone gets dressed & ready for company to arrive. Folks start to trickle in bringing food and drinks with them as they do. By 11 pm there is ample food and drinks and lots of guests. Tatiana has fallen asleep and has gone to bed. I eat a little and talk with my cousins til the fight starts. After the fight Tatiana wakes up and she rides with me and Carla as I head home. I get home at 2:50 am and Carla text me at 3:26 am to let me know she got home safely. I fall asleep shortly after.

Friday May 6 2011- Day 123

I wake up early & go to radiation. I dont get the early train but I still get to treatment by 7:45 am & since I'm the 2nd person to arrive I am called down to treatment within a few minutes. Treatment is finished & I'm out the door by 8:10. I get to my subway stop by 8:25 so I stop & get a little breakfast which I take to my office & eat slowly while waiting for 9 am to arrive. Some of the staff is still going to be out so it should be a relatively quiet day. Another part of my staff go into a meeting that unfortunately goes on for more than 4 hours. I dont get a lunch break so I get a co-worker to come cover for me at 4:25 and I go home for the day. My brother text me about a fight party he's throwing & I let him know I'll come. I get home & lay down for a bit thankful that I'll get to sleep in tomorrow since I dont have treatment. Miguel gets home & I ask him about going to the movies to see Thor. He says no then changes his mind & says ok. I text Jermaine & he says he's already at the movies so we hurry to rent a car and buy tickets online and meet him there. We arrive to a huge line of people. We get our tickets and go to see the movie. The movie is great and we get home around 1 am. I tell Miguel I need to go the grocery store in the morning so I can get some things to bake for Robert's fight party the next night. He says ok & then I go to bed.