Wednesday February 23 2011- Day 51

I wake up early and start getting ready for work. My roommate is taking the rental car back today and the spot is next door to my job so he offers to drive us to work that day so he can drop the car off. Cool no problem. We get to my job 1/2 hour early and I use the extra time to grab some breakfast. I arrive in the office and let them know how the appt the day before went. I have a bunch of calls to make. I need to cancel my chemo treatment for Thurs and I need to call the breast care center to find out what the delay is in getting my surgery scheduled. I call both and end up having to leave a voicemail for the breast care center. I work a normal day at the office. I go to the gym and for the first time since before treatment began I am able to do a full 30 mins on the treadmill. It feels good to get that kind of workout in. Unfortunately I get a nasty blister on the heel of my right foot which I know like everything else is going to take forever to heal but oh well. Tomorrow I will try going back to the stairclimber. I may not be able to start at the same high intensity but I can atleast try to go the full 30 mins. I get home and I'm tired as hell. I lay in bed early. I eat dinner and get ready for bed early but unfortunately when the time comes to go to bed I'm no longer tired. I give up and take 2 motrin pm but I still dont fall asleep. I talk on the phone with my sister in law for an hour and an hour later to Tracie for an hour before I fall into a broken sleep.

Tuesday February 22 2011- Day 50

I have a dr's appt today to go back to see my original OB/GYN all the way out in White Oak. I'm glad that I'm leaving early because being up so late has me exhausted. I havent seen my Dr. McMillan since before my diagnosis but she has called to check on me so I know she's concerned about me. I leave work at 12 and make the 2 hour commute all the way to White Oak. I end up talking with a nurse about cancer telling her about my cancer and she tells me about her dad's battle. We talk for 20 mins before she finally leaves and I wait on Dr. McMillan. After 20 mins Dr McMillan comes in the door and she immediately gives me a big hug. I hug her back and tell her it's been so hard. I feel tears well up in my eyes but I blink them away. I explain everything that has happened since the last time I saw her. She tells me she will give me her cellphone number before I leave so I can reach her at anytime. Today all she is doing is making sure my IUD is still in place. She asks if my cancer is Progesterone positive because we may have to remove it if it is. I tell her no it is triple negative so it has nothing to do with my IUD. I tell her I dont know what the point is in keeping it in anyway since chemotherapy has left me infertile. She looks at me with understanding but I dont look at her. I have never regretted not having children but now having the option completely eliminated breaks my heart. They cant promise me 1 way or the other if I will every be fertile again. I'm 37 so there is a slight chance, but the abdominal myomectomy a year earlier left me with only 40% fertility anyway so chances are that the infertility is now permanent. I try not to shed tears over it. I have my 11 nieces and nephews and Tracie's 2 daughters to love if I never have a child of my own. Dr McMillan sends me her cellphone number and I leave the office shortly after and make the 2 1/2 hour commute home. I am tired by the time I arrive. When my roommate gets home a couple hours later we run to the grocery store and pick up a few more things before we both go to bed early. I am tired and know it's going to be a long week. I talk with Tracie for a little while late and sleep fitfully through the night.

Monday February 21 2011- Day 49

Today is a holiday which gives me a long weekend. My roommate gets up at 5 am to take his mom to work. I open my eyes and look at him and fall back to sleep. He comes back sometime after 7 and I finally get up. Not for long though. I eat a little breakfast and fall back to sleep for a few more hours. Tracie text me and asks why I didnt answer him the day before. I tell him I'm upset he blew off coming up to see me when I'm in the hospital having surgery. We talk for awhile and he finally agrees that he will do his best to come up while I'm in the hospital. I have to be content with that for now. I have a bunch of crap jammed in my laundry basket along with dirty clothes so I finally get up and sort the dirty clothes from the books, papers, mail, etc. My brother text me and asks if I'll be ready by 2 pm so he can come get me. Today is the birthday party for my nephew Robbie who is turning 2. I tell him yes that's fine. I put a load of clothes in the wash and start to get dressed and ready for the birthday party. I manage to get the clothes in the dryer and finish up getting ready when my brother arrives. As we are riding down the road my brother and I talk a little. I love my younger brother just never sure exactly what to talk to him about or how to approach certain topics. My nephew who is in the backseat wakes up and I help him get his shoes off while we ride the rest of the way. We get to my brother's house and I scoop Robbie up and his shoes and walk in the house. Kaylah Niyah and Triston are there. So I hug my nieces and nephew as I set Robbie down. Robbie runs off and Carla comes home with Tatiana. I scoop Tati out the carrier and sit on the couch with her. Tati looks like me as a baby and it makes me smile. My dad calls on the phone to let us know he wont be coming..I talk with him a little and then we hang up. Guests start to arrive and everyone comes over and hugs me and says hi. Carla's mom arrives and she hugs me the hardest. She's happy that I've been moved onto surgery and she loves the site of me holding Tati. Everyone calls her Mini Me which I love. Today my rosacea is the worst it has ever been looking like a horrible rash with small red bumps..it is worst on my cheeks but is also on my forehead now. I hate how it looks..bad enough the chemo took my hair but it's now robbing me of clear skin the 1 thing I've always had. I take only 1 pic with Tati and me because I hate all the rest because of my skin. I give the baby over to Carla's aunt and then her uncle also takes her but finally she ends up back with me. Robbie is running around enjoying his birthday and I spend part of the night laughing at his silliness. Everyone gets their fill of pizza popcorn chicken nuggets cupcakes ice cream and soda and eventually the guests start to leave. When my brother goes to take his son Triston home he asks if I want to stay awhile longer and I tell him yes. I'm enjoying my time with Tati and I dont want it to end just yet. My cousin arrives while my brother is gone and she takes Tati to hold her for awhile. I hate anyone taking Tati from me. My little niece and I have a special bond. She never cries with me just lays quietly in my arms or on my shoulder as I walk around the house. Only if she needs to be fed or changed will she fuss a little. It gets very late and the weather has turned very cold and freezing rain is now falling. My brother gets back and takes me home. We have a slow go as its turning treacherous but I make it home and as soon as I walk in the door my roommate is ready to walk out the door. We head to the grocery store to pick up a few things. We get back after 12:30 and after I put things away I fall asleep. Tracie wakes me an hour or so later and we end up talking for the next 3 hours. It was a necessary talk that cleared the air on a lot of things that we hadnt been saying to each other. I dont know how long it will last but the air was cleared. I fall asleep finally sometime close to 4 am. Going to be tired at work tomorrow.

Sunday February 19 2011- Day 48

Sunday my roommate has agreed to take his mom to work so he leaves early and I go back to sleep after he leaves. I finally wake back up a few hours later and start reading a book. I know I should wash clothes but tomorrow is a holiday so I'm off work anyway so decide to put it off. My roommate gets back home and we watch some stuff through Netflix all day. That evening we go pick his mom up and we take her back to his grandfather's. I help her carry he things in the house and then we head home. My back has been bothering me lately when I sit up for too long especially in the car. I am hoping this will pass soon. It is annoying. I eat my leftover sub from Firehouse that evening and take some motrin and rest. I still get tired very easily and still need more sleep then normal but I know this will soon past too..or atleast I hope. I dont talk to Tracie all day Sunday which is hard for me because I am used to talking to him everyday. I go to bed early that evening. Tomorrow should be a fun day.

Saturday February 19 2011- Day 47

My roommate wakes me up at 7 am and tells me to get dressed because we are going to breakfast with his mom and his sister. While I'm getting ready he calls his mom who ends up not being able to go so we decide to just go get his sister and go to breakfast. Before we leave I get a notification that a package is coming today for me. Before we leave out I leave a note on the door to leave the package next door with my neighbor. We leave and go pick up Miguel's sister and go to breakfast out her way in Burtonsville. After breakfast we drop her off and we head to pick up his mom. We sit and chill with his mom at his grandfather's house until his uncle arrives then we leave. I tell her I want to go back to the wig shop. I want to get a human hair wig. I like the synthetic ones but human hair can be styled which the synthetic ones cant. I also want one that is an in between length of the 2 I have. The short straight one is a chin length bob and the long curly one is past the shoulders. I want one that is about shoulder length. His mom decides she will buy a wig herself. We go to the wig shop and she quickly finds 2 wigs for herself. Meanwhile I keep walking around trying to find something. I pick up one I think is cute but when I try it on it looks horrible on me. She goes to pick up one and I try it on. It's cute but a little shorter than what I was looking for. She looks at me and tells me that she knows that I'm trying to recreate what I lost and that for now I have to accept that I wont find that. I realize that's exactly what I'm doing and so I let it go. I pick out another wig and try it on. This one is shoulder length and black with brown streaks. When I put it on I like the look on me. I show it to me roommate and he agrees. Another girl sitting beside me agrees and says she likes it more than the last one. I agree and decide to keep it on. I pay for the wig and 2 more wig caps and leave the store. After this we take his mom to Cameron's for some seafood and then to a hotel to get some rest. We head home and chill the rest of the evening. I go next door to get my package and discover my next door neighbor has just had hernia surgery and is alot of pain. She hasnt eaten in days so I go back to my apartment and bring her the case of Ensure that I have sitting on my shelf. I place some of it in her fridge and leave the rest on the counter. I take my box back to my apt and open it. Inside is a dozen or so red velvet cupcakes and a stuffed Eeyore. I eat some of the cupcakes and put Eeyore in bed with me. I lay down and go to sleep a few hours later.

Friday February 18 2011- Day 46

I wake up in the morning feeling anxious. I try to stay calm but today is the big day I head back to the hospital to get an update of my status. I'm shaking a little from nerves but I try to ignore it. I go to work that morning and the anxiousness turns to fear. What if I dont get good news? What if instead of shrinking the tumor has spread? I am worried and depressed. I start to cry and feel a wave of unhappiness spread over me. I talk to one of my friends who reassures me that everything will be ok and to take deep breaths and relax. Whatever happens I will deal with it and get through it. I take the deep breaths and try to relax. 12:40 pm comes and I leave work for the appointment at GW Hosp. It is a nice spring day so I take off my jacket and walk briskly to the hospital. I try to uplift myself as I walk bouncing along to the beat of the music playing in my ears from my ipod. Today I had dressed a little more fly with my long curly wig a cute top and some tight jeans so I get attention everywhere I walk which gives me confidence even as my nerves are shot. I arrive a few minutes late and wait to be seen. I am brought back to the exam room, undress from the waist up and have a seat on the exam table. Dr McSwain arrives and asks about chemo. I tell her how it has gone and explain that Dr Tabarra has referred me back to her to be seen because we felt as though the tumor had shrunk and I need to have an ultrasound to see if it has. She does an exam and says it seems to have shrunk. She asks if I have scheduled the ultrasound. I tell her no. She writes me a referral and tells me to go to the radiology department to be seen. I get dressed and walk over to radiology. They tell me to sign in to the book for scheduling and have a seat. The scheduler comes out and calls me in. I go into her office and she informs me she does not have an opening to be seen until March 1st. I tell her that doesnt work because I have chemo scheduled for next week and if I'm not seen before then I will have to go through another round. If I dont have to go through another session I dont want to do it. She asks if I want to wait for the hospital administrator. I tell her yes. She sends me back out to wait. In the waiting area I start crying. This cant be happening. I dont want to go through more chemo if I dont have to. Finally the adminstrator comes to get me. With tears in my eyes I explain to her that I need an ultrasound and mammogram asap otherwise I have to go through another chemotherapy session. She goes to get me a bottle of water and tells me to have a seat and calm down she will see what she can do. She calls around to the radiology center and asks the doctors if they can do an add-on for today that the patient needs to be seen asap and that their schedule is booked up for all of next week. They asks if I'm willing to wait. I tell them I will wait all day if I have to just let me be seen. They agree to see me. I am so relieved. They send me back out to the waiting area to get checked-in. I check in and they send me around to the radiology area where I check in with a second nurse who hands me more paperwork to fill out and sends me to a waiting area with other women waiting for mammographies. I am calm now..I dont care if I'm here for 5 or 6 hours just so long as I'm seen. After half an hour they come take my paperwork and asks me to lock up my things and get undressed from the waist up and put a gown on. I get undressed and put the gown on and lock my things in the locker minus my ipod and phone. I text my roommate and Tracie while I can. Tracie keeps me calm and sends me kisses which make me smile but my signal is out in the waiting area so I dont get anymore text after that. I keep playing a game on my ipod and after another half hour I get a mammogram. I am sent back into the waiting area where another half hour goes by before I am taken to the room for an ultrasound. The nurse asks why I'm there and I explain real quick while she does the ultrasound. She finishes the ultrasound and tells me to get dressed and go out to the general radiology waiting area. I get dressed and go wait. After a while a nurse comes to get me and brings me back to a room filled with doctors sitting in front of xray screens. They sit me next to a doctor who introduces herself (forget her name) and pulls up my ultrasound and mammograms. She shows me my original mammogram from the end of December which shows the large spot then she pulls up the mammogram from today. She points to a small crescent shaped spot lower on the screen then the original lump. She tells me that it has made great progress and that she is sending me back to the breast care center for further treatment. She writes something down on the referreal and hands it to me. I leave the room and head back to breast care center. I read the words "Surgical Extraction" on the referral form. I start to shake. OMG..does this mean what I think it means? I head into the breast care center and hand the receptionist the referral form. She looks it over and I asks her if surgical extraction means I can move onto surgery. She tells me yes. I throw my hands up over my head in excitement. She looks at me funny and asks me "You're happy about surgery?" I explain to her that I've been going through chemotherapy for 6 weeks now so yes I am very happy that I can move on. She nods and says when I explain that she understands. She asks how soon do I want to have surgery. I tell her she can call me back in 20 mins and I'll be there. She laughs and says she'll write down asap. She tells me she'll look into Dr McSwain's schedule and find the first opening and call me with a date. I tell her ok and leave the breast care center happier then I've been in a long time. Finally I can move on. I have something to look forward to. I was hoping that the tumor was completely gone but being small enough to be extracted surgically is fine with me. I leave the hospital and text Tracie and tell him to call me. I call my father, my sister in law, my brother and no one answers until I get into my cousin. I tell my cousin and she is just as happy as I am. I am crying tears of elation. This has been 6 weeks of hell so something as simple as being able to move onto the next stage of treatment is progress that I look forward to immensely. My sister in law calls next and I tell her and then my dad calls and I tell him. I text all my co-workers and relatives and let them know. Everyone responds excited for me. I am happy and feel a wave of relief pass over me. I call my friend who had calmed me that morning and let him know and he is happy for me. I want to post on Facebook so everyone else that's been worried about me knows, but I hold off because I want to tell Tracie first before I post the news. My roommate gets home around 7 and we go to Firehouse Sub in Alexandria to celebrate my good news. I love their subs and since the saltwater taste has finally left I can actually enjoy the food. We eat there and then take extra food home for later. We go home and chill the rest of the evening. Tracie finally calls me at 1 am and I tell him the good news. He is happy for me and I go back to sleep with a smile on my face relieved to have something to look forward to. Onto the next!

Thursday February 17 2011- Day 45

I text back and forth with Tracie through the wee hours of the morning. He is finally starting to open up again and on nights like this where I cant sleep I need. Talking to him makes me feel much better. I get out the bed in a better mood this day. He tells me he loves me which he hasnt said in so many days and I smile cuz it makes my heart feel good to hear it. I go to work in a cheerful mood. While I'm on the train on the way to work I start tweeting about my good mood. A realization that life isnt promised so you have to enjoy it as much as possible. I enjoy dancing & mouthing the words to songs while I run on the treadmill in the gym each day. I know I look silly but I dont really care. I feel like if folks knew what I was going through they would just let me be. You have to enjoy those childish silly moments that you normally take for granted. You have to not care what people think and do things that make you happy. You have to laugh. Everyday for some stupid reason or find a reason just to laugh. I have a friend who is a comedian. I love talking with him cuz he always makes me laugh. He also doesnt treat me like I'm fragile. When we talk we talk about life, football, comedy, etc. I've learned to make jokes about my cancer. He laughs and tells me I should do stand-up cuz things I tell him are really funny. Naahh..but it is good I'm learning to laugh about it. Not everything is funny mind you but there are little things I have a sense of humor about. The hair loss on my head sucks but my facial hair is gone..I dont have a mustache and beard anymore. I've managed to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes so far I made sure I got my eyebrows waxed 1 last time before the hair fell out so that they would look good for atleast as long as I could keep them. So far so good. Nice to not have to shave my armpits or legs..dont think my waxer appreciates that I havent been back in over a month but hey. The lack of nose hair sucks..I have a constant runny nose especially when I get too hot or too cold. I hate having to blow it so much. It causes constant bloody noses. My sores on my butt look like chemical burns..is it possible the chemo caused a burn on my butt? How is that possible? I'm reading to see if it's possible and it looks like that they are not unheard of. Ugh. Well at least that explains it. I have a good workout that day and enjoy making jokes with the trainers in my gym. They know about my condition so they are happy on the weeks they get to see me feel good and workout. I have a mostly boring day at work and go home where I'm tired. I spent most of the night up with Tracie so I'm running on little sleep. I eat and lay down early and fall asleep. I text Tracie when I wake up and we have a short disturbing conversation before he falls asleep and I sit up thinking. I finally get up shower and go back to bed. I wonder if everything that is happening is a test of how much the 2 of us can endure. It will either test us to the absolute limit or tear us apart. I dont know which anymore.

Wednesday February 16 2011- Day 44

I wake up in a very depressed mood. It is just something that happens with this journey. I cant explain it. I text Tracie how I feel through the night then fall asleep..when I get to work the next morning he is texting me. I ask him if he has read and understand what I'm saying. He says he does and he agrees to stop shutting me out..we'll see. I am hopeful but realistic. I am in a sad mood that morning..I cry on the train on the way to work. I cry when I get to the office. My dad calls and asks me what's wrong. I cant explain it to him. I simply tell him that this is just part of it. You just have bad days. Emotional days where you cant explain why you are so unhappy but you just are. You can talk to other survivors and maybe get a short lift, but reality is somedays just suck and you have to find a way to get through it. What is it that's bothering me? I guess a sense of mortality that never existed before. A sense that tomorrow isnt promised anymore. I could live another 6 months, 6 years or 6 decades..who knows but now time is more important to me. Things are no longer in the "someday" category. I wont get my college degree "someday" or get married "someday" they now exist in a time vacuum where I can no longer afford to waste time. I want to get well so I can get back to school next semester not next year or whenever and finish within the next 2 years. I want a serious relationship cuz I dont have time to waste on someone who isnt about me anymore. I'm over those days. My career in journalism is important to me..it is on a 3 year plan now. Let me get to my career, let me accomplish my goals, let me survive to see all that I plan and dream come true. Time..I am consumed with time and how much more of it I have left. It is an all consuming thought that depresses me to no end. I tell my dad that Karen, my step-mother, only lived to be 44 with cancer..I am 38 now (or will be next month atleast)..what if 6 years is all I have left? That thought is just too heartbreaking. I've never been married, never had kids, never had my career or got my bachelors degree. Things that I have never in my life regretted now haunt me. What if I got it all wrong? What if I fucked it all up and now there is no time left to fix it? Cancer makes you face the reality that you wont live forever. That not only will you not live forever, that you may not live much longer. How is that possible? I'm 38, vibrant, hard working. I exercise, eat right, keep my stress to a minimum. I do all the things you are supposed to do in order to live a long healthy life and yet here I am facing my own death. The thought is too sad to put into words. I spend the day trying to shake that feeling but it weighs on me heavily. I am not always morbid or depressed but these days happen. Facing a terminal illness that you know you will now have for the rest of your life has that effect on you. I think about could I go through this over and over again in my life. Get well and then it come out of remission and have to do it more times. The sickness, hair loss, emotional loneliness that fills your days..if I had to I would do it but God please dont let me have to go through this again. Let it stay in remission for the rest of my life. It is all I pray for now.

Tuesday February 15 2011- Day 43

I am not sure what bit me or what happened exactly on my butt, but whatever it was originally it has now turned into a nasty scabbed up bloody infection that is in 2 spots the size of a quarter each. Chemo has slowed healing in my body down so the best I can do for now is keep it clean and dry apply neosporin and a medicated bandage to try to keep the infection to a minimum and pray that it slowly heals. For now it hurts alot. It is just another sad inconvenience of this whole ordeal.

I havent talked about Tracie alot lately because well..he's been m.i.a. I text him everyday and on occasion he may return a text but most go unanswered. There is a growing distance between us and it hurts more than I can make him understand. I try everyday and he doesnt say why he just keeps saying everything is ok. I finally snap and confront him and he finally admits that he is scared. That me going through this reminds him of his mom going through it and it makes him sad. He thinks of me everyday and prays for me everyday and misses me everyday but when he's scared he shuts down. I explain to him that being 700 miles apart he cant shut down on me. I dont know what he's thinking..I dont know what he's feeling or doing..I'm not there. I cant read his mind. I dont want to fight this battle with him. I'm ready to cut my losses and move the hell on. I have my family and friends if a relationship isnt in the cards right now so be it. I cant hold his hand through my illness. I need him to hold mine. I tell him all this. I tell him if he cant be the man I need then dont be anything go away move on leave me alone. I will more than happily find a man who will love & appreciate all I do and all I am. He finally gets what I'm saying and snaps out of his stupidity. How many more times I will have to do this I dont know. I hope he will keep it together and support me the way I need him to..we'll see. It's becoming an annoying chore to get folks to act right and not just with him but with alot of people. Before this diagnosis folks treated me normal..talked to me normal. Now so many folks treat me like I'm fragile and going to break or worse yet die. Like getting close to me means they risk losing me. I have to constantly console and reassure people that I'm fine and I'll get through this and it gets kinda irritating. Why am I consoling you over my illness? Seriously..umm..I'm the one with cancer..what the fuck are you crying about? I get tired of cheering folks up when Im not always in a good damn mood myself. Guess what folks..I'm not always happy. If you are expecting to read this journal in hopes of always getting happy delightful messages of survival this aint that blog. Sorry but I'm writing to you very real raw and extremely emotional. That's just how I feel somedays. There are days when the pain is unbearable, when the nausea or diarrhea or dizzyness wont stop. There are days when Im just tired of not being normal. Monday I did 25 minutes on the treadmill and nearly blacked out in the gym. I used to do 30 minutes on the stairclimber no problem now 25 mins on a treadmill is too much. I cry at how depressing that is. I dont know normal anymore. Normal for me is different each day. Normal 1 day can be how much pain can I bear. Normal the next day is how much nausea can I tolerate. Today it is this disgusting taste of having a mouthful of salt water that I cant get rid of. On top of that there is a strange tingling sensation on my tongue that makes it hard for me to judge if food is hot or cold. So everything has a lukewarm salty taste.

When I get home each day from work and strip out of my contacts wig clothes and stand in the mirror staring at that face I dont recognize her. This creature has my eyes but I resemble Frankenstein's monster more and more. There is a scar at my neck where the catheter line feeds into my jugular..when I turn my head the line juts up so I can see it which always sickens me. This leads down to the port in my chest which has a large barely healed hideous scar over it. The port itself protrudes from my chest in a way that reminds me of what I have left to ordeal. My head is completely bald and there is a crescent moon shaped scar about an inch long near the front of my scalp. I had a cyst removed from my scalp more than a decade ago and I wouldnt have even remembered it had it not been for this. Had I not had to look at this thing. My skin is always dry and my rosacea has gotten more pronounced the red bumps covering both cheeks all over. I cant stand to look at myself for long. I cant imagine facing Tracie this way. Everyone thinks they can accept it but if he cant even talk to me and I'm not even telling him all that I'm going through how is really gonna face it? I'd rather just let him go to be honest then deal with him looking at me with anything other than love. I dont want sympathy stares. I want that beautiful model with the shoulder length brown hair to stare back at me in the mirror. I want folks to always guess my age wrong. I want anything other than this. I used to twist my hair when I was nervous or when I was falling asleep..I have no hair to twist..I rub my baldhead missing my hair. Dont tell me it will grow back..I know that. For now though I'm bald as a plucked chicken with sallow bruised skin. That's just reality for my life right now. Friday I go for my ultrasound..I pray for good news. I dont know how much more my heart can endure.

Monday Februray 14, 2011- Day 42

Valentine's Day..woo hoo. Oh right..I dont have a Valentine so guess no reason to celebrate. I guess u could count Tracie but umm no. I'm not surprised by the fact that I dont get any Vday gifts or cards minus my dad and my co-worker but hey a girl can dream right. C'est la vie. I love Tracie very much but I find my whole perspective on life is changing. It's not that I dont hope he and I end up together..it's just that our relationship is so secondary now to all I feel like I need to accomplish in life. Tracie has 2 beautiful little girls that I love like they are my own. The 2 of them along with my own nieces and nephews are my whole world. So now I want to help Tracie have a better life in order to provide a better life to his daughters. I wont do things for him, but I will guide him and assist him, support him and love him so he becomes not only a better man but a better person for having had me in his life. If all I do helps his girls to live a happy more comfortable life after I'm gone from his life (if I leave his life I should say), then I've done my job and I'm happy. My goal now is to get back in school, get my degree in journalism, get established in my career at the NFL Network and then offer to help my nieces and nephews to go to school. They can live with me while they attend college full-time. I will help them get registered, help pay for books and expenses, help them do paperwork, etc but they will have to be a full-time student in college. No part-time student while they work at Costco or whatever. I want them to get a degree and live a better life then the life our generation lived. It's not a reflection on the parents, I just believe that ultimately that's what all parents want, right? That their child live a better life then the one they lived even if they lived a good life. We want more for them cuz we dont want them to suffer or go through any of the hardships we may have gone through. A year ago I had surgery to remove a uterine fibroid. The surgery left me only 40% fertile. Chemotherapy left me infertile. Whether or not that will reverse after chemo is finished remains to be seen. I cant cry over that now. Honestly if I cant have kids then that's my own doing cuz I could've had them long ago and didnt. That doesnt mean I will not take care of the children in my life who I love very dearly. So my 11 nieces and nephews and Tracie's 2 daughters will all benefit from how deeply I love them and how committed I am to providing the best possible life I can to each of them.

Sunday February 13, 2011- Day 41

Sunday is another slow boring day for me. I have no plans to do anything or go anywhere. I have a normal appetite and no pain or nausea for the first time in over a week so I'm in a good mood. I eat a normal breakfast and lounge around all day in bed. Later in the evening we plan to go to Firehouse Sub but it falls through so we end up eating some delivery sandwiches. I manage to achieve nothing, do nothing and accomplish nothing all day which is a feat for me..lol. The only thing my roommate and I work on is our plan to go to the NFL Draft in April but this is more or less through a series of phone calls and text messages. I go to bed around 12 and sleep broken through the night. Sunday without football is going to suck!

Saturday February 12, 2011- Day 40

I have no plans for the weekend and honestly even if I had I dont know that I would've been fully up for them. I have alot going on in my mind right now so sleep is eluding me. I can catch 1-2 hour chunks but mostly I lay in bed awake. It's 4 am and I decide to start tweeting. I dont know who is up with me nor who is going to read my tweets but I want to get somethings off my chest. I start to tweet and talk about my cancer. I dont know why I'm tweeting about it. Up til now I have kept my fans from the truth. I dont think I've wanted them to know that the model they've seen online looking so happy and healthy and lively is now sickly baldheaded and tired all the time. Ive tweeted that I'm sick or in pain but not what is the reason for this sudden illness I keep talking about. I finally start to type it all out. I'm not typing for sympathy or compassion. I am typing because talking about it makes me feel better and I feel like fans of mine deserve to know. If they've been with me for years they will be with me through this. As I'm tweeting I start immediately getting responses back..not just locally but from around the world people who are up and reading my timeline and seeing me talk about my cancer. I get prayers blessings positive thoughts compassion sympathy..an outpouring of love from total strangers around the world who are moved by my honesty and my strength to keep enduring through it all. I feel lighter and happier knowing I'm not keeping secrets from the fans who have helped lift me up and built up my confidence for the last 10 years of my life. The ones who helped turn a shy introverted self conscious little girl into a classy self confident woman. I fall back to sleep feeling better and wake up a few hours later in a good mood. My roommate and I dont have any plans for the day so we spend the whole day chillin. That evening my friend calls me and tells me he is making me some cannibus cookies and brownies. For those that dont know marijuana has been approved for medicinal purposes to help with the side effects of chemotherapy patients (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of appetite, etc) in DC. Unfortunately, I dont live in DC..I live in MD so getting medicinal marijuana is impossible legally. My friend however knows how to bake the cannibus into cookies and brownies. He bakes them and drives 2 hours down from PA to bring them to me and drives 2 hours back home..now that's a friend. I take 1 early and dont really feel anything so I take a 2nd one. The 2nd one makes me extremely sleepy. I lay down and sleep through the night without pain nausea vomiting or diarrhea..the first time since this ordeal began. He has left me a whole big bag of the cookies and brownies to get me through the rest of this journey which I appreciate very much and which I think on the really hard nights when I cant take the pain meds will help me out tremendously. I'm not one for taking any kind of drugs but the cannibus cookies are less toxic and less potent then the oxycodone which is a legal derivitive of heroin and causes severe addiction and withdraw. Despite being illegal the cannibus cookies do nothing adverse to me. They make me sleepy and feel hungry. Otherwise I am fine when I wake up not going through any side effects or withdraw as I have with the oxycodone. A new valuable resource that I will prescribe to. I crash in bed for the night and sleep a straight 5 hours that I havent done in weeks.

Friday February 11 2011- Day 39

Friday I wake up feeling better as far as not feeling ill but after a fitful night sleep fighting off fever and chills I am exhausted. I stay home from work and spend the entire day in bed trying to get rest and feel better. I call my doctor to see if he can put me on some other kind of medicine. He calls me back and tells me to just stop taking the oxycodone and because I was taking such a low dose (5mg) and still got sick, he cant prescribe anything else for me. He tells me to just take extra strength tylenol and motrin and that's it. This sucks but I have no choice. I take the anti nausea and the allergy med along with 2 motrin and I feel fine the rest of the day. I sleep off and on all day. I have learned a valuable lesson about taking and not taking meds while going through chemo. I wish I hadnt had to learn it so painfully but hey that happens on this journey I guess.

Thursday February 10 2011- Day 38

Thursday I wake up and after a horrible night I've decided I'm not taking any of my medications. I am determined to have a normal day damnit. I get up get dressed and go to work. I stop at CVS and get me some thermacare heat wraps and a bottle of motrin to get through the day. Without medicine my day is going to be alot tougher I'm sure. I put the heatwrap on and take 2 motrin but nothing really seems to make the pain in my back subside. I must get up frequently and move around to get the pain to ease up enough for me to function. As the day progresses I notice Im starting to feel worse and worse by the minute. By the end of the work day I am barely able to hold it together. I am achy sore tired sick in pain nauseous feverish..like a bad case of the flu. I hurry to get home and barely get in the door before I collapse in the bed shivering with chills and burning up. My back is in screaming pain and I'm nauseous and extremely dizzy. So taking the oxycodone makes me sick but not taking any medicine makes me even sicker. Ugh! I'm not a medicine person so this bullshit is annoying me. I'm sick of being dependent on these drugs to function but I have no choice but to deal with them for now. Lesson learned very painfully and I spend the entire night so sick I cant even make myself eat.

Wednesday February 9 2011- Day 37

I wake up in a little more pain than usual so I decide to take the oxycodone that morning as well as take it with me to work. Normally I would just take motrin or advil with me but I want to be sure I wont suffer too much while I'm at the office. The day goes by normal enough most of the day except when I have to take the oxycodone. Each time it makes me dizzy and I have real bad flushing, sweating and nausea. I go over to the gym and tell them I will try to be back sometime this week if I feel ok but I cant promise since its not easy for me. My friend Stacy sits and talks with me telling me she likes the wig and she considers me her hero. Wow. I'm touched. I really dont expect this from people. I'm not a hero..I'm just trying to keep living each day to the best of my ability. Some days are harder than others that's all. But she admires that I keep going and keep trying. I go back to work and take another dose of Oxycodone which makes me the sickest Ive been all day. I finally call a cab at 4:30 and a little before 5 pm I leave and tell the cabbie to get me home quickly. The whole cab ride home I am dizzy and sick feeling like I'm going to black out. I get in the door and lay down. I wake up when my roommate gets home, make some soup and then fall back to sleep for a few more hours. I get up again and then crash in bed for the night where I sleep for nearly 12 hours straight trying to sleep out the oxycodone. I think that's enough of taking that. I cant stand that reaction and I'd rather just take more motrin then keep feeling that sick.

Tuesday February 8 2011- Day 36

My roommate had his hours switched from 10-7 to 9-6 which means he is now going to be in my way getting ready each morning since we now have to get ready at the same time. No matter we'll figure it out. I did the smart thing and woke up at 3 am to shower so at least we wont be in each other's way for that. My roommate is baldheaded so I ask him how should I take care of my head for now. He tells me to wash it and moisturize exactly as I do my face. I do this which is weird to feel water on my bald scalp every morning when I shower but I know it's always clean and lotioned up. Today will be the first day I wear my new wig to work. The short one will be my everyday so the last step in getting dressed this morning is brushing out the wig and then put it on over my wig cap. I brush it once it's on and look at myself. Cute. I go to work and everyone falls in love with the look. I have a normal day at work and I realize just that small difference seems to make everyone more comfortable. They talk to me more normal than they have before. I guess now I look more normal and less sickly. That's cool. I get home and rest and have a normal evening. My back is still bothering me but I try to keep my oxycodone use to a minimum, intermingling it with taking Motrin and resting. I prefer to sleep as much as I can. That seems to help more than anything else.

Monday February 7 2011- Day 35

I would try to go into work but I'm thinking its in my best interest to give myself one more day to recover. I still have to take the 2 Dexamethasone, 1 Loratadine twice a day today so need to remember that. I stay in bed most of the day and rest. I'm not 100% but I'm not terrible I just wanted the extra rest. Chemo is harder on the body then people realize. Not only the physical demands but the daily stress of trying to feel normal when in reality you really dont. Normal is different on different days. Some days normal is how much pain can you tolerate. Other days normal is almost close to what you remember before this began. Normal today is how much pain can I bare and how tired do I feel. I sleep most of the day. Resting, relaxing, eating some. My appetite is a little better. The Ondansetron stimulates my appetite so it makes me eat, but now I'm always hungry. I'm not a small girl so this isnt going to work for long. The Oxycodone always makes me dizzy and I hate that feeling but the back doesnt hurt so I must choose between dizzy or hurting. Not an easy choice. I look forward to going back to work tomorrow. Not because I want to go to my job, but because it gives me something to focus on other than laying in bed not feeling good. I spend part of the day making both mine and my roommate's beds. I do this because I want his other mattress pad that I strip off his bed before putting the new one on and then put 3 layers of mattress pads on my bed. I feel like the princess and the pea but if it helps me sleep I'm all for it. Takes longer than I plan to finish because I keep having to stop when I get tired or too sore but they are done before he gets home. We both enjoy our new beds that night but I realize I'm going to have to bring my pillow at work home cuz the new one I have is too firm for me and it makes my back and neck hurt. Ugh.

Sunday February 6 2011- Day 34

With lesson learned on the Dexamethasone I make the point of eating first before I pop my morning round of meds. Today I have to take the Dexamethasone and Loratadine twice a day (morning and night) instead of just once. Ok fine whatever. I take the morning dose along with the Oxycodone for the pain. Today the pain is worse. I know what the Neulasta is doing but what it does to me physically sucks in the interim. C'est la vie. Today is Super Bowl time so I dont really care. We need to do some things early so we can be back home in time for the game. My roommate and I get dressed and first place we head is to a wig shop up the street from our apt. I like the head scarves, but its cold in the winter and I'd like to have my head more covered. Not only that the scarves seem to highlight more that my head is bald and there are times when they are too loose or come unwrapped and I dont want them to come off and have people stare. I mean I'm comfortable with my baldhead now but I dont want to have to explain my baldhead to people. Not only that I worry about my little nephews who are 2 and 3. I dont want them to be traumatized if it happens. They are too little to understand. So we hit the Wig Outlet and shop around. I dont know how much Miguel is going to be able to help..but I know if something is terrible he's going to be honest. The woman behind the counter gives me a wig cap and I walk around looking for a wig. I try one on but once it's on I hate it. I keep looking. My favorite way to wear my own hair is in loose spiral curls around my shoulder so this is what I'm looking for. I ask the woman about lace front. She tells me that lace front or a wig with bangs would be my best best for now. I like her..she doesnt draw attention to my baldhead and is very helpful picking out styles and color. We finally get a lace front wig with the loose spiral curls I want and I try it on. It is a little longer than I anticipated, almost to my midback but I love the look and color and style. I set it aside and keep looking for another. I go to the human hair section. Other than price I really dont see what's so special about them. By now more customers are coming in. I want to hurry now cuz I dont want to hang around with a bald head. I pick a blondish shoulder length straight hair style with bangs. Once I try it on I hate the color. I tell the woman I like the style but the color is horrible. She disappears and comes back with the identical wig in a dark brown with light brown hightlights. I try it on. Perfect. It looks almost like my natural color. I decide this will be my everyday wig. In it I look the most like myself. The most like me before this all began. In the meantime I ask her to trim the lacefront of the curly wig. Another patron of the store looks at me and tells me how good I look in the wig I have on saying she didnt realize it was a wig. Wow..that seals it. I smile as the clerk finishes trimming my lace front wig. She then slips the straight one off and slips the curls on and styles it. Once its done I love it. The curls are parted off to the left and fall over my left eye in a sultry manner. I decide to keep it on and we pack up the straight one to go. I buy 2 wig caps, detangler and a comb as well as the 2 wigs. I leave the store feeling much more confident and normal. I smile as we ride down the road. We go to visit Miguel's mom over at his grandfather's house. She loves my curly wig and tells me how much I look just like me in it. I like that. We chill for awhile but I start to get very hungry so we finally leave and stop and get some food before hitting Target. With my back giving me so many problems I need to buy a mattress pad for my bed. It's a little too firm for my very tender back. I get a mattress pad and a new pillow and we head home. Its getting late in the evening and I want to lay down before the game begins. Im tired already. My energy levels arent normal yet so just those short trips have taken everything out of me. I eat and lay down and wake up in time to watch the Super Bowl. I manage somehow to stay awake through the whole game but collapse in deep sleep shortly afterwards.

Saturday February 5, 2011- Day 33

So I wake up still nauseous, sore, tired..apparently the usual for chemo. I take the 2 Dexamethasone, 1 Loratadine and 1 Oxycodone to try to ease the pain. My roommate and I are going to breakfast this morning with his sister. Now had I been paying attention I would've noticed that the Dexamethasone specifically says take with food so I shouldnt have popped it not knowing how soon I was going to be eating. I assumed it would be pretty quick, but it ends up taking 2 more hours before we finally go to breakfast. The meds kick in long before then and I end up being very sick. After going to iHop I have to hurry home because I can barely hold it together. I feel nauseous and very sick. I lay down in bed and as my roommate comes and goes the rest of the day, I stay in bed trying the rest of the day to feel better. Lesson learned on the Dexamethasone. The only break in the day is when I get the news that Shannon Sharpe is going in the NFL Hall of Fame. Looks like I'm headed back to the hall in August. Something to look forward to. Til then rest and get better.

Friday, February 4, 2011- Day 32

Friday after chemo is the neulasta shot day. I actually hate this day more than the chemo, but I'm hoping with all the new drugs they have me on I wont suffer as much. To give a run down I am on Ondansetron for nausea (on as needed basis), Diphenoxylate for diarrhea that so far I havent had to take this time around, Dexamethasone for nausea that I must take twice a day for the first 4 days after chemo, Oxycodone for pain which helps for the severe bone and joint pain I suffer due to the neulasta shot, and Loratadine an allergy med that amazing somehow supresses some of the pain from the neulasta shot. So this morning I have to take 2 Dexamethasone, 1 Loratadine and 2 extra strength Tylenol to start the day. This is a preventive measure to try to keep the bone pain to a minimum. My dad arrives early and we get checked in. They take me over to check my vitals again (height, weight, temperature and blood pressure). I wish they didnt have to do it every single visit but oh well. They leave me sitting outside the lab til they take me back to transfusion. I go back and my nurse Teresa is there. She preps my right arm real quick and gives me the shot. I forgot that the shot burns like hell. Guess I was so focused on the pain my back and chest were going through I forgot the shot feels like fire going into my arm. The shot itself is over in a second but the burning will continue for atleast a couple of hours. My dad has alot of running around to do so he drops me off at home and I lay down for awhile and get some rest. I get up after a few hours and go get my nails done. With the loss of my hair it is hard sometimes to still feel pretty so little things like this help me to still feel girlie. I come back home and take some Oxycodone and lay back down. The back pain this time isnt anywhere near as severe but I dont take any chance of it getting worse. Every 4 hours when it starts to wear off I take another 1. I refuse to tough it out this time. I dont see how people get addicted to this stuff. For me it just barely edges the pain off. It does make me dizzy so I have to get up slow and walk slow but if it means no pain, I'm willing to deal with it. I do have a headache I cant seem to shake but its mild and its better then having my back killing me. I sleep off and on all day. My appetite is pretty much gone so I eat chicken broth and drink vitamin water all day. That night I take an oxycodone and 2 alteril and fall into a broken sleep. I cannot sleep through the night. Every 4 hours I have to take more pain med. I'm hoping after the first few days I will be able to cut back or stop taking the oxycodone altogether and just use advil. We'll see. I'm just grateful that there is no diarrhea and no severe pain. Let's pray it stays this way.

Thursday February 3- Day 31

31 days and now it's time for 2nd chemotherapy treatment. I dread these days so much. Mainly because they make me feel so horrible. The morning starts with me talking on the phone with Tracie and afterwards getting into an argument via text. Not a great start to my day. I get ready for the hospital visit and in the process my dad calls to let me know he's on the way. I finish getting ready and as I finish up my bagel (dont have chemo on an empty stomach) I throw my applesauce and yogurt into a bag and grab my water and leave out. On the drive there my dad gets lost and ends up finding a quicker way to get there shaving 15 mins off of our time. We get up to oncology at 8:20 for an 8:30 am appt with my oncologist Dr Tabbara. They take me to the lab to check my vitals and draw blood and shortly after they bring me back to wait to meet with the doctor. I'm not waiting long when they call me back. I sit for 5 mins and the first doctor (whose name I keep forgetting) comes in and asks me how did the first chemo go. I proceed to tell him about all the horrible side effects (nausea, diarrhea, severe pain, etc). He asks me why didnt I call. I tell him I didnt know I was supposed to. He said yes if you have any complications you call our 24 hour hotline and a doctor will be paged and we can prescribe you medication for all of your symtoms..you should never have to suffer like that. So he writes down a list of medications he will give me prescriptions for that I can have filled before I leave the hospital. I say ok. He tells me if I still run into any complications to please call. I agree. So afterwards Dr. Tabbara comes in and asks me how I'm doing. I tell him the same thing and he again chastises me for not calling and for just suffering through the way I did. Ok lesson learned..dont tough it out..get help. Gotcha. He tells me to get undressed from the waist up and he will examine my breast today. I tell him I'm happy because I think I notice a difference. He said ok good let's check it out. He leaves the room for 5 mins and I pull the curtain closed so I can get undressed while my dad sits in the chair next to the examination table. I come and sit back on the table and the 2 doctors come back in the room. Dr. Tabbara asks me to lay back and put my arm over my head so he can examine my right breast. He does the exam and seems shocked. "It appears to have shrunk" he says. He has the 2nd doctor come over and repeat the same exam. He nods his head at Dr. Tabbara. He has me sit up and he looks at my 2 breast hanging side by side. Where before the massive lump stuck out like a golf ball on the inside of my right breast, now it just hangs the same as the left one. "I am amazed..and only after one treatment. It appears the tumor has dissolved." I tell him I noticed it disappearing and that I couldnt find it anymore either so I was glad he was confirming what I noticed. He says "Ok well that is very good. We are going to continue with the chemo today and in 2 weeks you will meet with the Dr. McSwain (breast care doctor) to have an ultrasound to see if you are finish with treatment or if you can move onto surgery and chemo again afterwards but everything looks very good." I am very pleased. I am hoping that I'm done with treatment or atleast I can have the surgery and radiation and be done with all this by sometime in March. I post a message on FB, text and call everyone and let them know the good news. Everyone is happy and excited but I tell them that we will just have to wait on the next part of the story til after Feb 18th. I go back to wait and they proceed to take me back to the transfusion room. I take a seat in one of the recliners on the far wall and my dad sits next to me in a chair. I have a new nurse today named Teresa who will be changing out my meds every few hours. I ask if I can have the lidocaine cream first. She tells me she can write a prescription for it that I can go downstairs to the pharmacy and get. Ok fine. I take the prescription down and fill it and put it on. I have to wait an hour after its on. We head back upstairs and go back to our spot and wait. After 1/2 hour Teresa decides to start anyway. Oh well. She hits my port with a half inch needle and I tell her she has to switch to the 1 inch (learned that from the first time). She flushes my port but doesnt get any blood return so she gets a solution that will dissolve anything that may be clogging my line. After the first try she still doesnt get any return. She waits 15 more mins and tries again. Success! Time to start the chemo. They start with the saline that runs through the whole procedure and the anti nausea. Then a second anti nausea. Then the actual chemo drugs. All the water and saline makes me hafta go to the bathroom so at some point I need my dad to move the table they have across my lap. The table comes from the left side and lifts over the arm of the chair and rest over both arms. When I ask my dad to move it he takes everything off first and goes to lift the table and somehow manages to break it. I die laughing. Even as he manages to slide it back in and set it back up crooked I cannot stop laughing. I now remember why I love having my dad with me. It's not just our good talks..the man is a source of comic relief which in this very somber room is very welcome. I go back and forth to the bathroom and then get our crooked table set back up in time for the next drugs to be changed. At one point I lean over talking to a nurse and tell her they need to have a tv or a radio or something in this room. She said she agrees and so do all the nurses. I explain to her that the room is somber enough and that it would provide a distraction from the silent sadness that fills this room. Alot of the patients in here especially the women are alone. Many seem to prefer this. For me the journey is hard enough I cannot imagine being alone in this room for hours on end. My dad has brought lunch for us but I only eat a little. My appetite starts to fade as the chemo wears on. I try to doze off a little but the constant beeping noise prevents that from happening. At 3 pm we are finally finished. I am happy atleast for it to be over even though I have that same knot in my stomach I did last time. I explain to my dad that the knot just sits there and will continue to grow overnight when I will become feverish and achy. It sucks but I know it from the first time. We go to applebees where I enjoy my last good meal I'll have for several days till my appetite returns and I can eat normal without fear of getting sick. I am going to stick to my B.R.A.T. diet for the next several days atleast til I feel more normal. I get home and I pop an anti nausea and take some advil pm and some alteril (sleep supplement) and fall asleep until my roommate comes home and wakes me out of dead sleep. I'm not awake long. I drift off again until 1 am when he wakes me to get out his bed and go lay in my bed. I go back to sleep and sleep fitfully through the night. The fever comes and I am delirious and hot and chilly all at the same time. I know it will pass but it makes for a rough night.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011- Day 30

I work all day with that sense of dread of what is to come tomorrow. I think the dread has me not feeling 100%. I go do a short workout and finish my day out. At some point I pull off my head scarf and send a picture to my family. Everyone but my dad seems to be ok with my bald head. I've gotten ok with it. It's an adjustment in my life. I havent gotten a good wig yet, maybe this weekend if I feel ok and can convince my cousin, but if not I'll stick with head scarves for now. They are easier to workout in anyway. I talk with 1 of my co-workers who keeps using that word courageous. She tells me when her son went through leukemia treatment she refused to come to work everyday that it was too hard to face everyone, but somehow I have found courage to try to keep my life as normal as possible despite going through treatment and not always feeling 100% physically or emotionally. Normalcy is all I seek in my life, but it isnt always easy. I leave work a little late and I head home. My roommate wont be home til tomorrow night but when I get home he has left the rent money and has installed a new 50" plasma tv. I sleep soundly watching it til he wakes me up around midnight by scaring the hell out of me. I just wake up to a black shadow standing over me and touching my leg. I scream and leap up. He laughs hysterically at me but proceeds to install the surround system he has bought as well. It sounds so good and I cant wait til the Superbowl to really enjoy it. Not quite the same effect with re-runs of family guy..lol. I fall back to sleep til around 2 am when I start texting Tracie off and on as I drift in and out of sleep til morning.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011- Day 29

Has it really been almost a month already since I've been diagnosed? Hard to believe 29 days have passed already but they have. Now I know when people read the rough days they feel the need to comfort me. Please understand that writing this journal is my therapy. I write it to be honest with you about what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. If I didnt do that I'd be lying to myself and to anyone reading this. I'm not going to lie and say everyday is sunshine and rainbows and that I'm always happy cheerful and optimistic. No, there are days when I'm unhappy, there are days when I'm extremely emotional and cry all day and nothing anyone, family, friend, or another survivor even can tell me that will comfort me. That's reality. This is a difficult emotionally exhausting journey. Regardless it is a journey I must make. I can do it kicking and screaming all the way or I can say f'ck it and accept that this is just something I must go through now. Me shaving my head was me just accepting that this was just the next inevitable step in the process. It isnt easy and I did not do it willingly, I did it to face this monster that has possession of my body right now. I can let it win or I can fight with everything I have inside me and do all I can to not let it beat me down neither physically nor spiritually. Simple as that.


This morning on my way to work I call my dad and let him know I shaved my head. I tell him that he must not cry when he sees me on Thursday. He tells me that when he talks about me now he always tells people he is amazed by my strength. He says its hard for him and he will get there on accepting it, but he's amazed at how I carry myself on each day and the courage and strength I display. Strength? Courage? I keep hearing these words..I keep hearing people say them when they talk about me now. I dont know about strength or courage. When I'm sobbing uncontrollably I dont feel strong or courageous. I feel weak sad and afraid. But then folks explain it takes strength to just shave your head and accept that you're baldheaded now. Mind you I wear scarves on my head all the time now but I'm ok with being bald. I wear the scarves mainly because it's winter and a baldhead gets cold easily and because I know other people will have a problem with a woman having a baldhead..I dont want folks staring at me. I dont like being the center of attention. I know as a nude model that sounds funny for me to say but honestly I like attention on my own terms not when it's forced upon me. Cancer has forced attention on me that I had never wanted nor expected. I accept it begrudgingly but I will be glad when this ordeal is over and I can go back to a normal existence of not being the center of attention for so many people. As far as strength..I dont know. You have to keep a sense of normalcy in your life. For me that means going to work, working out, spending time with family and friends and trying to find humor in the everyday. If that equates to strength to some people than ok I'm strong. But honestly I see it simply as you have to continue on. You cant let this thing beat you. Sitting around all day feeling sorry for yourself will not help at all. After my mom died I sank into a deep depression. I cried all the time. Didnt eat, slept all day, never got out the bed ever. I didnt work or go to school or anything. I just lay there hour after hour miserable wondering why I was still alive and she was gone. It took months for me to recover from my depression and I vowed I would never let myself sink that low ever again in life. So as hard as this has been and as hard as some days are for me, I dont allow myself to feel sorry for myself for very long. Yes, cry, feel bad, feel sorry for myself and curse the heavens for this happening to me but then I get over it pull myself together and move on. Life is too short for me to sit around crying all the time. I have a blessed life. I have good friends, good co-workers, great family and a man who loves me. Minus cancer I am healthy and fortunate to have good insurance that covers most of my bills. I have a long life planned out ahead of me. Who will or wont be in it is beside the point, but the things I want to accomplish are what are most important to me. I just have to get through this little side bar. So if all that shows a level of strength and someone feels encouraged by that message than by all means feel that way. I am only telling you how I am living my life now.

My day at work is uneventful but I had a great workout and I went home and crashed in bed early. I wake up wide awake at 2 am and stay talking to Tracie until 6 am. I miss him terribly and he reminds me that he loves me and misses me too. I know we will have to see each other very soon. Being apart is becoming harder for us as we grow closer. This experience has brought us much closer and I've come to appreciate his love. I didnt know if he could handle it, but he has been good to me and his support helps me on the really hard days. He reassures me and is patient with me on the days when I am the most unhappy and insecure. It takes alot because there are times when I'm so emotional I drive myself crazy so I can only imagine how it drives him crazy. But we get through each day together and that has been a great blessing through all of this. What happens in the future I cant worry about but I just enjoy him each day I wake up and have his love & support in my life.

Monday, January 31, 2011-Day 28

I wake up with my scalp still sore. The hair is still coming out real bad. I cant stand the way it looks and I hate that my head is so sensitive and hurting all the time. I go to work and have a breakdown at work. I hate that I cry so much now but I cant help it sometimes. This journey is just too damn hard somedays. I appreciate that people want to console me and do their best by saying "This too shall pass.." and all that good crap you need to here but honestly when you're going through it nothing can console you. You must find your own way to get to the other side. Even though many have taken this journey before me and many will after me, it is still a personal journey for each person. Yes another survivor can tell me their experience of it, but it is just that..THEIR experience. What one might experience another may not. The fatigue, the diarrhea, the severe pain..I cant say that this will be someone else's experience..they are MY experience. Some tell me they didnt lose their hair till after their 2nd chemo..I lost mine 14 days after my 1st one (which I read online is not uncommon)..again that is my experience. I can tell you that it is extremely emotional that cannot be ignored or denied. When I need help I talk to other survivors but I know that I must find my way to get to the other side..the side where I accept that this is just what I must endure for now. I finally tell my cousin via text that I'm going to shave my head. Watching it fall out everyday is a daily reminder of what I'm going through and it is much worse. I first pull out the hair that is coming out, then I take a pair of scissors and cut the rest short and finally I take a razor and shave my entire head. When I'm done I uncover the mirror and look at myself. It is weird to look at my baldhead, but I see my face staring back at me minus hair. I stand their staring at myself for a long time til I finally just accept the woman staring back at me. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes for now and though the chemo has mad my rosacea a little worse, my skin is mostly clear and my dark eyes look sweet and sultry. My lips are unpainted but they still have that pouty look. I'm still a very beautiful woman I just have no hair on my head. My scalp is no longer hurting I just feel a constant breeze on my bald head. For now I have eyebrows and eyelashes but when the time comes I'll put on fake lashes and draw on eyebrows to give my look a sense of normalcy. For now I'm ok with who I am and the journey I'm taking. It has take a few days to get to this point, but I'm finally on the other side. I text Tracie that night and we talk for awhile. I let him know that I know I'm more emotional lately and I ask him to be more patient with me cuz it drives me as crazy as I know it does him. He says it does but he knows and is very patient with me. I appreciate him for being here on these hard nights. When I'm not completely fatigued from chemo, I suffer from insomnia. I've been dealing with long bouts of it since I was 15. It's kinda annoying, but something I've grown used to. Now that he works night it's ok cuz I know I can talk with him through most of the night. I text him most of the night til I doze off around 3 am.