Tuesday February 22 2011- Day 50

I have a dr's appt today to go back to see my original OB/GYN all the way out in White Oak. I'm glad that I'm leaving early because being up so late has me exhausted. I havent seen my Dr. McMillan since before my diagnosis but she has called to check on me so I know she's concerned about me. I leave work at 12 and make the 2 hour commute all the way to White Oak. I end up talking with a nurse about cancer telling her about my cancer and she tells me about her dad's battle. We talk for 20 mins before she finally leaves and I wait on Dr. McMillan. After 20 mins Dr McMillan comes in the door and she immediately gives me a big hug. I hug her back and tell her it's been so hard. I feel tears well up in my eyes but I blink them away. I explain everything that has happened since the last time I saw her. She tells me she will give me her cellphone number before I leave so I can reach her at anytime. Today all she is doing is making sure my IUD is still in place. She asks if my cancer is Progesterone positive because we may have to remove it if it is. I tell her no it is triple negative so it has nothing to do with my IUD. I tell her I dont know what the point is in keeping it in anyway since chemotherapy has left me infertile. She looks at me with understanding but I dont look at her. I have never regretted not having children but now having the option completely eliminated breaks my heart. They cant promise me 1 way or the other if I will every be fertile again. I'm 37 so there is a slight chance, but the abdominal myomectomy a year earlier left me with only 40% fertility anyway so chances are that the infertility is now permanent. I try not to shed tears over it. I have my 11 nieces and nephews and Tracie's 2 daughters to love if I never have a child of my own. Dr McMillan sends me her cellphone number and I leave the office shortly after and make the 2 1/2 hour commute home. I am tired by the time I arrive. When my roommate gets home a couple hours later we run to the grocery store and pick up a few more things before we both go to bed early. I am tired and know it's going to be a long week. I talk with Tracie for a little while late and sleep fitfully through the night.