Wednesday February 16 2011- Day 44

I wake up in a very depressed mood. It is just something that happens with this journey. I cant explain it. I text Tracie how I feel through the night then fall asleep..when I get to work the next morning he is texting me. I ask him if he has read and understand what I'm saying. He says he does and he agrees to stop shutting me out..we'll see. I am hopeful but realistic. I am in a sad mood that morning..I cry on the train on the way to work. I cry when I get to the office. My dad calls and asks me what's wrong. I cant explain it to him. I simply tell him that this is just part of it. You just have bad days. Emotional days where you cant explain why you are so unhappy but you just are. You can talk to other survivors and maybe get a short lift, but reality is somedays just suck and you have to find a way to get through it. What is it that's bothering me? I guess a sense of mortality that never existed before. A sense that tomorrow isnt promised anymore. I could live another 6 months, 6 years or 6 decades..who knows but now time is more important to me. Things are no longer in the "someday" category. I wont get my college degree "someday" or get married "someday" they now exist in a time vacuum where I can no longer afford to waste time. I want to get well so I can get back to school next semester not next year or whenever and finish within the next 2 years. I want a serious relationship cuz I dont have time to waste on someone who isnt about me anymore. I'm over those days. My career in journalism is important to me..it is on a 3 year plan now. Let me get to my career, let me accomplish my goals, let me survive to see all that I plan and dream come true. Time..I am consumed with time and how much more of it I have left. It is an all consuming thought that depresses me to no end. I tell my dad that Karen, my step-mother, only lived to be 44 with cancer..I am 38 now (or will be next month atleast)..what if 6 years is all I have left? That thought is just too heartbreaking. I've never been married, never had kids, never had my career or got my bachelors degree. Things that I have never in my life regretted now haunt me. What if I got it all wrong? What if I fucked it all up and now there is no time left to fix it? Cancer makes you face the reality that you wont live forever. That not only will you not live forever, that you may not live much longer. How is that possible? I'm 38, vibrant, hard working. I exercise, eat right, keep my stress to a minimum. I do all the things you are supposed to do in order to live a long healthy life and yet here I am facing my own death. The thought is too sad to put into words. I spend the day trying to shake that feeling but it weighs on me heavily. I am not always morbid or depressed but these days happen. Facing a terminal illness that you know you will now have for the rest of your life has that effect on you. I think about could I go through this over and over again in my life. Get well and then it come out of remission and have to do it more times. The sickness, hair loss, emotional loneliness that fills your days..if I had to I would do it but God please dont let me have to go through this again. Let it stay in remission for the rest of my life. It is all I pray for now.