Monday, January 31, 2011-Day 28

I wake up with my scalp still sore. The hair is still coming out real bad. I cant stand the way it looks and I hate that my head is so sensitive and hurting all the time. I go to work and have a breakdown at work. I hate that I cry so much now but I cant help it sometimes. This journey is just too damn hard somedays. I appreciate that people want to console me and do their best by saying "This too shall pass.." and all that good crap you need to here but honestly when you're going through it nothing can console you. You must find your own way to get to the other side. Even though many have taken this journey before me and many will after me, it is still a personal journey for each person. Yes another survivor can tell me their experience of it, but it is just that..THEIR experience. What one might experience another may not. The fatigue, the diarrhea, the severe pain..I cant say that this will be someone else's experience..they are MY experience. Some tell me they didnt lose their hair till after their 2nd chemo..I lost mine 14 days after my 1st one (which I read online is not uncommon)..again that is my experience. I can tell you that it is extremely emotional that cannot be ignored or denied. When I need help I talk to other survivors but I know that I must find my way to get to the other side..the side where I accept that this is just what I must endure for now. I finally tell my cousin via text that I'm going to shave my head. Watching it fall out everyday is a daily reminder of what I'm going through and it is much worse. I first pull out the hair that is coming out, then I take a pair of scissors and cut the rest short and finally I take a razor and shave my entire head. When I'm done I uncover the mirror and look at myself. It is weird to look at my baldhead, but I see my face staring back at me minus hair. I stand their staring at myself for a long time til I finally just accept the woman staring back at me. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes for now and though the chemo has mad my rosacea a little worse, my skin is mostly clear and my dark eyes look sweet and sultry. My lips are unpainted but they still have that pouty look. I'm still a very beautiful woman I just have no hair on my head. My scalp is no longer hurting I just feel a constant breeze on my bald head. For now I have eyebrows and eyelashes but when the time comes I'll put on fake lashes and draw on eyebrows to give my look a sense of normalcy. For now I'm ok with who I am and the journey I'm taking. It has take a few days to get to this point, but I'm finally on the other side. I text Tracie that night and we talk for awhile. I let him know that I know I'm more emotional lately and I ask him to be more patient with me cuz it drives me as crazy as I know it does him. He says it does but he knows and is very patient with me. I appreciate him for being here on these hard nights. When I'm not completely fatigued from chemo, I suffer from insomnia. I've been dealing with long bouts of it since I was 15. It's kinda annoying, but something I've grown used to. Now that he works night it's ok cuz I know I can talk with him through most of the night. I text him most of the night til I doze off around 3 am.