Sunday January 30, 2011-Day 27

I wake up the saddest I've been so far. I no longer feel and look like me. The young woman with the shoulder length black hair and ready smile is gone. Staring back at me is this creature. I have an inch long scar on my chest where the port is that refuses to completely heal. It leads up to 2 more scars on my neck where the catheter runs into my jugular. They are a constant hideous reminder of what I'm going through. On top of that now is my balding head. The front and back are almost completely gone only a patch of hair remains at the crown of my head. Looking at this creature just makes me cry uncontrollably. Why me God? Why am I going through this? What did I do to deserve this? Is this a punishment for some unknown sin that I didnt realize I committed? I keep the mirror covered refusing to look at this thing I've become. I hate my life. I hate Tracie for not being more supportive. I hate the fact that I have to wake up and face this every single day. Yes everyone says it's only temporary and I only have a few months to go through this but time passes slow and each day I must face this thing..this creature I dont recognize and hate. I text my friend Jermaine and we go to breakfast. While I'm at breakfast my roommate's sister calls to tell me she's on the way to the apt. I tell her I'm at Ihop and she says she'll come past. She instead calls back a few mins later to tell me she's at the apt and that Miguel is with her. Ok fine. I finish breakfast and text my roommate who says he's at the apt. Jermaine and I arrive at the apt and I come in the room to talk to him. His sister is gone and I tell him about my hair. He asks me to take off the scarf to show him. I pull it off and lower my head and cry as he looks at it. I put the scarf back on my head before Jermaine comes in the room. Miguel tells me it'll be ok it's only temporary. Miguel is bald and his started falling out in his 20s and it's permanent. I atleast know mine will come back eventually where his will never come back. I tell him that as a man it's more acceptable for a man to be bald but we dont live in a society where it's acceptable for a woman to be bald. He still tries to comfort me but I dont want to hear what he's talking about. He and Jermaine leave a few minutes later and other than wash a load of clothes and walk over to the corner store I avoid leaving the apt or being seen by anyone the rest of the day. I try to text Tracie but I only get some answers and I finally grow frustrated and stop. I'm tired of trying to make him be more supportive. I dont think he knows how. I know he's trying but there's only so much he can do from TN. I need him here. I'm tired of making any effort. I dont want to talk to anyone anymore. I cry all evening til I get tired of crying and drug myself into a broken sleep. God help me get through.