Saturday, January 29, 2011-Day 26

I wake up at 7 am because I fell asleep so early. I lay in bed for a long time though and just read a book till I finish it then I start texting folks. Tracie text me first cuz he's bored at work. He's once again only texting me random nonsense not checking on me which bothers me but I'm used to it on some level. I know he still cares but I need constant reassurance and I'm sure it wears on him. I hate being this way. I hate being so emotional..I dont like the person I'm becoming. I dont like crying so much and feeling so sad all the time. It takes effort each day to try to feel better. I never leave my hair down anymore, I just switch from a day headrag to a night headrag and vice versa all the time never looking at my head anymore. The only time I dont have a rag on my head is when I shower otherwise I always keep my head wrapped. My roommate's sister shows up at 10:30 but Miguel has told me to keep her at the apt because he's not ready yet. She and I sit and talk for more than 2 hours til he finally text me to tell me that they are now going to lunch at Golden Corral instead of breakfast. It is now 1 pm and his sister has to be at work at 2 so she only has enough time to drop me off at the restaurant and head off to work. I get to the restaurant and I look for my roomate who comes to the door to get me. I come in for lunch and his brother and sister-in-law are there as well as his mom, his girlfriend and his son. This is the first time I'm ever meeting his girlfriend and the baby so I'm a little nervous. They've been together for 5 years, but we've never met face to face. It feels a little uncomfortable but I stay cool. I just enjoy seeing the baby. We leave the restaurant and go to check them into a hotel. We get to the hotel and he finally hands me his son. I love holding Osiris. He's so adorable and kissable. He loves to growl and bounce. I cant help but laugh at him. We leave the hotel to get his brother and sister in law checked in at their hotel and as we leave there my brother text me to let me know that he's on his way to my house. His brother takes me straight back to my apt and I barely get in the door and go to the bathroom when my brother text me to tell me he's out front. I come out and we head over to his house so I can spend more time around kids. I get to spend time with my brother's kids, Kaylah, Niyah, Triston, Robbie and Tatiana. Carla hands me Tati once I get settled and I look down at this baby who looks up at me with a face that looks just like mine. I hafta laugh. She looks just like me even down to the rosacea on her little cheeks. I show Carla that I have the same small red patches and tiny bumps on my face. I let her know that mine is being aggravated by the chemotherapy but typically it looks just like Tati's and that there is nothing wrong with it. It doesnt hurt or itch and most times I'm not even aware of it till someone mentions my rosey cheeks. Carla laughs a little and points it out to my brother who looks at my face and nods. I walk Tati around the lower level of the house so she falls asleep and I keep holding her. Carla's friend shows up with her son and then her brother shows up with her son so that at some point I'm surrounded by 7 small children. I sit and rest with Tati on my shoulder til she wakes up and then I walk around the house again til she falls back asleep. My shoulder which has been bothering me for 2 days starts hurting again so I take 2 tylenol and put a heating pad on it which puts me to sleep. The next sound I hear is Robbie coming in the room screaming as he tears across the room to the couch. I open my eyes then and I see my brother is in his coat and ready to take me home. How long had I been asleep? I look at the clock and it's now 11:30 pm. Ok definitely time to get home. I get home and I need to oil my scalp because it's so dry and itchy. I start running my hands through my hair clump after clump after clump comes out in my hand. By the time I'm done the hair in the front of my head is gone. I cover the mirror with a towel and wrap my head up for the night. I text Tracie who doesnt answer and I fall asleep crying.