Friday, January 21, 2011- Day 18

I am feeling well enough again to go to work. It seems it takes about a week to feel normal after chemotherapy. I go into work and I get response emails from 2 young cancer survivor groups both advising me of the dates of their next meetings. I make a note to try to attend both. I also am exchanging emails back and forth with another cancer survivor a friend of mine growing up puts me in touch with. Today is not a good day. Learning to live with cancer means I go through bouts of sadness. I become emotional at the drop of a hat and will have a crying spell anywhere at anytime. It is something I'm getting used to. I really dont care who sees me cry..if you understood what I was going through you would just let me be. Today is one of those days. I am reading the brochures that the nutritionist sent me on the different effects of chemotherapy and the foods I need to avoid so as to not trigger my diarrhea further. On top of this I'm emailing the other survivor and thinking more and more about the loss of my hair which as I'm reading is going to start soon. This thought saddens me to no end. We live in a society that is caught up on looks. A woman's hair whether long or short is critical to her look. Without it you draw all the wrong kinds of attention and criticism. I am not ready to lose my hair. I am not ready to face a society bald headed. Thinking of this makes me incredibly sad. I start to cry uncontrollably at work. It is near the end of the day so I go back to 1 of my co-workers offices and cry on her shoulder. I am overwhelmed with sadness. It seems so unfair that this is happening to me. I dont understand it. I pull myself together enough to leave work but I cry on my way home. I run into a neighbor on the bus who talks to me til I calm down. I finally feel better. I go home and call my sister in law, my spiritual advisor, who I always tell good things to. She is happy for me that I was able to find someone who was able to calm me down. I have an uneventful evening and sleep well that night.