Wednesday June 1st 2011

I havent posted in awhile so I guess I better give a quick update of everything that's been going on.

First off I had surgery on May 16th to remove the port out of my chest. The surgery itself was quick but they left me waiting for over 4 hours before they finally wheeled me in for surgery. So I'm even more sure that I'll no longer come back to this hospital once treatment is completey finished. I have come to despise this place and its people very much.

The incision has almost completely healed now. There will be a permanent scar there to remind me of this journey.

I have finally gone back to working out consistently on a daily basis. This was good to help relax the very tight muscle in my right arm. Now that its loosened I can raise my arm above my head and the swelling has gone down in my right breast so that it now appears almost perfectly normal.

I have 11 more radiation treatments left. Radiation is a daily Mon-Fri routine that you get used to as an interuption in your life. I have it first thing in the morning before work which took me some time to adjust to but I'm used to it now. The only down side is I've burned real bad now on the underside of my breast. They warn you that it can happen and now that it has I can tell you it is very painful. The rest of my breast for now is ok but the underside looks almost like a 3rd degree burn. I am trying hard to push myself through these last treatments but it gets harder and harder by the day. I dont want to take a break because that just adds to my time but how can you keep going when your boob is crispy? Sigh..

3 more days it will be exactly 6 mos since I was diagnosed with cancer. God willing I will finish treatment on June 15th which will be just past 6 mos since I started treatment. It has been a very long hard sometimes sad and extremely painful journey. There are days when you dont know how much more you can endure. When you want to give up but you keep going because you know you have to. I have seen the best and worst in others and found a strength inside of myself I didnt know I had.

I have been accepted to the University of Tennessee in Knoxville TN. My younger brother's in laws are permitting me to live in the home they own there while I attend school. I will be moving to Knoxville in August. The thought of leaving the only home I've ever known makes me very nervous, but I know that if I can survive a terminal illness I can get through 2 years of being a broke starving full time college student. I'm ready for the new adventure.

Wednesday May 11 2011- Day 128

I slept decent as I'm noticing he & I arent talking as much which really bothers me but there is nothing I can do. I get dressed and leave and get to treatment early. I am always tired but I somehow manage to keep a sense of humor about things. Today is doctor day which means this will be my first weekly visit with Dr. Ojong. After treatment I stay in my gown and go upstairs to wait outside 1 of the exam rooms. One of the nurses, Melanie, comes over and takes my blood pressure, weight, and temperature. She asks me how is treatment going. I tell her about the pain I'm experiencing in my nipple. She makes a note of it and leaves. Dr. Ojong arrives and we go in the exam room. I open my gown and he examines my breast. He asks if they have removed fluid from my breast as it appears to have some swelling I tell him no. He makes a note and says ok. He asks about the pain in my nipple and he tells me to ice it with the small ice pak he gives me. He asks if I'm having any other problems and I tell him no. He asks if I'm using any creams. I tell him yes twice a day. He says ok. After that I get dressed and leave. I get to work a little early and work through the morning. I do another day of circuit training and I work hard and intense til every muscle hurts. I finish and go back to work and finish out my day. I am exhausted so I shower and get ready for bed. I eat dinner and go to bed by 9. I text him during the night and we have a brief argument before I fall back to sleep.

Tuesday May 10 2011- Day 127

I wanted to talk to him a little through the night but I slept pretty good & only sent him 1 text which he didnt answer. I get out the bed and get ready for my day. I wake my roommate and have him get dressed so he can give me a ride to treatment. He gets ready and we head out the door. On my way there he text me and we go back and forth briefly. My roommate gets me to treatment at 8 am which is still 10 mins early but later than I normally get there. The difference is immediately felt when I get inside and they tell me to go downstairs. Already there are people waiting and 1 person changing. I change and as I'm coming out someone else comes in to change so now there are 4 of us waiting and 1 person in treatment. Needless to say it's going to be a long morning. I end up not getting out of treatment til 5 after 9 so I call my job to let them know that they were running behind and I would be there shortly. I hop on the train and ride 2 stops and hurry to my office arriving at 9:21. I ask my co-worker to go get me my smoothie and he does so atleast my day wont be off so much. I get through the morning and go to lunch to workout. I did circuit training yesterday so today I'm going to do some cardio. I finish my workout and go back to the office and finish out my day. When I get home my roommate is still home with pinkeye and he has eaten everything in sight so I know I'm going to have to order some food. I order some food from the carryout and go get it. I eat then shower and then lay down for the night. I fall asleep a little after 9 then wake up and go back to bed after 12.

Monday May 9 2011- Day 126

I am awake early mainly because I didnt sleep so well. I get dressed and get out the door and ride the subway to the treatment center. As I am 1 stop away I doze off & wake up as we are departing my stop. I have to get off the subway and ride back 1 stop and walk to the center but I'm still early thankfully. I'm usually the 2nd to arrive so I never have to wait long. So radiation is simple enough. I arrive and sign in. I wait til they call me downstairs. I go down to the women's lockerroom and I undress from the waist up & put on a gown and put all my possesions in a locker. I come out and wait in a chair that is separated by a screen from where 2 techs stand. One of the techs will come from behind the screen and call me over. I stand before a screen which has my picture on it along with xrays and alignment information. They ask my date of birth and I let them know then they lead me back to the radiation room. This room has a 6 foot thick lead door which swings open when we approach. In the center of the room is a machine that looks similar to a CT scan machine. I untie my gown and remove my arm from the right sleeve so that the gown hangs off my right side exposing my right breast (the one undergoing treatment). I lie back on the table and put one arm over my head in an arm rest that holds it in position during treatment. A foam pad is placed under my knees and a ring is placed around my feet to hold them together. One tech constantly pulls the sheet beneath me to adjust me just right under the machine. She is aligning the tattoos on my body with alignment measurements they have in their system for me. The second tech will highlight the tattoos over my right breast with a white marking pen to be sure they arent mistaken for moles and use these as a guideline for aligning the machine. The first tech will get a length of gauze and wrap it to use as a pad under my right breast to hold it up away from my chest area beneath. They have me turn my head all the way to the left and tell me to hold still. They make final alignments and have the machine which swings back and forth, moved off to the left side of my right breast. They then leave the room and the heavy lead door closes behind them. After a minute the machine makes a few clicking noises and then the treatment begins. I can neither see nor feel anything the only indication that I'm being radiated is the loud buzzing which continues for 30 seconds. It stops an the machine is adjusted and I am radiated a 2nd time on the left side for another 30 seconds. After this the machine is moved off to the right side of my breast. The tech comes in and changes a glass screen over the machine, slides it into place and leaves again. After another minute the same radiation done on the left side is done on the right. After this the 2 techs return to the room as the machine slides back to its original position. They adjust the table to bring me down and they remove the gauze from under my breast. I drop my arm, turn my head and put my arm back in my right sleeve before swinging my feet off to the right side of the table and getting up. This is the completion of treatment so I thank my techs and leave back to the lockerroom to change and leave. I hop back on the subway and even though in my head I know I'm supposed to ride 2 stops I get off just 1 stop over and walk out the subway station. When I get outside I realize my error and walk back downstairs and get back on the subway and head the 1 stop to my job. I stop and get my usual smoothie called a Power Booster (strawberries, banana, orange juice, protein powder & plain yogurt) and get to work early. I work through my morning and at lunch go and workout. I circuit train and do 5 mins of jogging on the treadmill then head back to the office with a salad and crystal light. I eat lunch then head home for the day. I get off at Capitol Heights metro and meet my roommate. I go home and change and then ride with him while he gets his infected eye examined. We then go to drop a phone off to his mother and she has us run her to the store. By this time it is close to 9 pm and I have to go to bed in an hour so I get him to stop so I can get some dinner. I get home, change into my night clothes & eat quickly. I fall asleep then I get up and shower and go back to bed where I sleep off and on til 4:47 am.

Sunday May 8th 2011- Day 125

Today is Mother's Day and for me it is a heartbreaking gut wrenching day. I wake up around 8 am but realize I'm still tired so go back to sleep. I get up again around 10:30 am and go talk to Miguel. I'm so depressed & unhappy but I try hard to keep from crying. I miss my mom with all my heart & soul. On top of that he is acting funny again & I cant turn to him for the support I need on this day. Miguel & I watch a movie & I finally make myself eat some breakfast. It is now late afternoon & I just want to curl up in bed. Later Miguel asks me to leave his room so he can call his girlfriend. I go out and eat a little something and then lay on my bed. In the silence of my bed I feel the pain in my heart overwhelm me. I start sobbing uncontrollably. Someone once asked me when do you get over the loss of your mom. Never..not till the day you leave the planet. You learn to live with the loss and the pain subsides to become bearable but never do you just get over it. Days like today when everyone is celebrating their mom are the days I miss her the most. When I grieve the most for not having her by my side. He texts me & I return it but I'm angry with him for being distant again when I need him the most. He gets angry with my text & goes to end the conversation which I dont care about but I let him know what's going on with me. He apologizes but still ends the conversation which is fine by me because I really dont want to talk to him or anyone else. I hop in the shower and cry until I realize even the shower isnt going to help. I get dressed & go back to lay on my bed again. My roommate comes out the room & sees me crying on my bed and tries to console me. It doesnt work. I pull out my laptop and I begin to look for my mom. I dont know where she's buried..I want to find her. I look online and find her last known address and begin an online search of the cemeteries around the area. I dont find her. Meanwhile my brother calls me as he's looking for my step-mother's grave. He's in the cemetary but cant find the exact spot. I try to help him from memory but I havent been to her grave since she passed. I tell him to call my dad or my sister but he says neither are answering. I cant think of the exact spot but try to describe it. He hangs up and I focus my attention back to my search. I give up & close my laptop & lay down. I want to take a nap but I know I won't fall asleep. I get up and cook some food and eat a little dinner before lying in bed & watching tv. I get up later & take some sleep meds so I can fall asleep early. He text me late & ask me if I'm feeling better but I'm not & the way he's acting lately isnt helping. I tell him so & he stops texting so I fall asleep.

Saturday May 7 2011- Day 124

I wake up early so Miguel and I can hit the grocery store. I look to see about getting a store bought cake but they are so expensive I change my mind and decide to bake one along with cookies & brownies. We get home with the stuff and Miguel leaves to return the car while I lay down and take a nap. I wake up in the afternoon and start baking all the items I'm making. I eat breakfast while I'm baking and when I'm done I text my brother to ask what time he's coming to get me. He arrives around 8 pm and we get to his house around 8:30. I'm the first to arrive which is fine I get time to play with Tatiana before everyone gets there. She and I have fun while everyone gets dressed & ready for company to arrive. Folks start to trickle in bringing food and drinks with them as they do. By 11 pm there is ample food and drinks and lots of guests. Tatiana has fallen asleep and has gone to bed. I eat a little and talk with my cousins til the fight starts. After the fight Tatiana wakes up and she rides with me and Carla as I head home. I get home at 2:50 am and Carla text me at 3:26 am to let me know she got home safely. I fall asleep shortly after.

Friday May 6 2011- Day 123

I wake up early & go to radiation. I dont get the early train but I still get to treatment by 7:45 am & since I'm the 2nd person to arrive I am called down to treatment within a few minutes. Treatment is finished & I'm out the door by 8:10. I get to my subway stop by 8:25 so I stop & get a little breakfast which I take to my office & eat slowly while waiting for 9 am to arrive. Some of the staff is still going to be out so it should be a relatively quiet day. Another part of my staff go into a meeting that unfortunately goes on for more than 4 hours. I dont get a lunch break so I get a co-worker to come cover for me at 4:25 and I go home for the day. My brother text me about a fight party he's throwing & I let him know I'll come. I get home & lay down for a bit thankful that I'll get to sleep in tomorrow since I dont have treatment. Miguel gets home & I ask him about going to the movies to see Thor. He says no then changes his mind & says ok. I text Jermaine & he says he's already at the movies so we hurry to rent a car and buy tickets online and meet him there. We arrive to a huge line of people. We get our tickets and go to see the movie. The movie is great and we get home around 1 am. I tell Miguel I need to go the grocery store in the morning so I can get some things to bake for Robert's fight party the next night. He says ok & then I go to bed.

Thursday May 5th 2011- Day 122

He and I text from 4:30 am on so I'm texting him as I get out the bed & start getting ready for my day. It's 1 of those long but necessary convos we have every so often. I keep texting him as I rush out the door to get my bus. My bus gets to the station early and I hop on the early train to Foggy Bottom station. I get to radiation by 7:40 am and I'm the 2nd patient to arrive. Even the receptionist hasnt arrived yet. I wait for only 5 mins and then I'm called down to the treatment area. I change and go into treatment. After 5 mins of treatment I'm up & back out to change. When I walk into change there is another woman changing & she looks up pissed. Apparently there is radiation etiquette I havent learned yet. In my gym women all change in the same area so it's not a big deal, but here in radiation while 1 woman is changing the next person must stand by & wait until she's finished. WTF? This is so asinine & such a waste of my damn time. While you're taking all day to get ready I'm supposed to just stand around waiting? For what? I mean we're all women, we're all here going through treatment and we're all in a rush to get in and get out as fast as possible so what's the big damn deal if you see my breasts while I'm trying to get dressed or undressed? I've posed nude on the internet, I've changed in a lockeroom at my gym, I have no problem against being topless in front of folks. It's not like we're going to stand there staring at each other. I'm trying to hurry just like you are. Ugh. This stupid shit is going to annoy men before these 6 1/2 weeks are up. I leave and hop on the subway 2 stops back to McPherson Square and walk to my block. I stop & get a protein smoothie & then stop at CVS to pick up some supplies to help me get through radiation. I buy baby body wash, woolite & baby powder with cornstarch. This is on top of the calendula cream and aluminum free deodorant I already purchased. All this shit is expensive and annoying as hell that I have to buy but if it helps keep the burning, drying, peeling, blistering, etc to a minimum I'll do it. So far none of those things have happened but they tell me it will start as of next week so I want to jump on it early before it does happen. Maybe I can avoid those things happening all together if I treat it before it happens. You know like my dad says "clean it before it gets dirty & you wont have to clean" If I treat it before it happens maybe I can keep it from happening. At least I hope so. I've already switched to wearing a sports bra which I hate because it makes my breast look flatter but I know I dont want to cause unneccessary damage to my right breast so no underwire for now. My breast is already feeling a little tender so let's try to be gentle with it. I get to work at 8:50 am which shocks my co-worker. I tell her that I asked folks to be here to make sure just in case I was late someone was here to open the office up but because my treatment is so early I figure this is just precautionary. Part of my staff is going over to an award judging so I know I'm going to have a long wait for lunch relief. Sure enough I dont get a lunch break till after 3 pm. My sports bra arrived today so I decide to go workout. I dont want to sweat too much but I want a good workout so I decide to do some circuit training. I love lifting and after 25 mins I'm finished & leave the gym to grab some lunch from CVS. I get back at 4:15 so eat quickly and hurry up to finish out my day. I write Univ of Tenn finally about getting a delayed entry. I look around for scholoarships to get some money. I leave work & head home. I shower as soon as I get in & cook some dinner. I eat dinner & I'm in bed by a little after 9. I get up to take some motrin cuz I'm a little sore from working out & take some sleep supplements & go back to bed. It's going to be an early day again tomorrow.

Wednesday May 4 2011- Day 121

This is my 2nd day of treatment, the first at my regular time at 8:10 am. So I get out the bed at 6 am and get ready for work. Miguel had offered to take me to the subway station but I dont want to wake him out of sleep so I hop on the bus and head to radiation. I arrive at 7:45 am and sign in. The doctors are running late because it is raining like hell. I'm early anyway so it doesnt matter to me. I end up waiting just a short time and head down to radiation. Since I'm already marked up the process goes really quick. I get dressed and head to work. I get there early and my co-worker tells me he's not ready to give up the reception desk so I go get some breakfast and come back. I start my day and work through til lunch. I want to workout but I cant because I now have to wear my sports bra everyday. I ordered another 1 so I'm just waiting for it to arrive so I can start working out. So lunch time I just walk around the neighborhood with Bruce until we figure out we want PotBelly. He walks to go get sandwiches while I go back to my desk. He returns and I eat lunch and then finish out the rest of the afternoon. I get home on time and take a shower as soon as I get in the door. I decide to finally start working on my photos from the NFL Draft. It takes me awhile to go through them all and edit them to put up on my page. When I'm done it's late so I make a little dinner then take some sleep supplements & go to bed. He texts me in the middle of the night and we talk til time for me to get up.

Tuesday May 3rd 2011- Day 120

It has now officially been 4 mos since this journey through hell has began. Has it really been that long? I finished chemo on March 24 and had surgery on April 7th..now I wait for the return of my hair which makes no signs of appearing. I pray it will grow back soon. Today I will need to meet with my oncologist and then have my first radiation treatment. I get dressed and ready and leave out with Miguel at my regular time. This will be the last day of this for the next 6 weeks. I get to GW Hosp MFA building and go up the first floor to the oncology department. I sign in and they call me to get my vitals. They check my weight, height and blood pressure and then tell me I need to have blood drawn. I tell her to take it from my arm, I dont want to go through the hassle of them taking it out my port. She says ok and pulls out a butterfly. She ties off my right arm and finds a vein. She hits the vein but the blood barely drips out. She pulls it out and tries a 2nd time. This time in the process of hitting the vein she hits a nerve. I feel a sharp piercing pain that shoots all the way to my elbow and down to my hand. I let out a scream and feel tears behind my eyes. Again the vein refuses to bleed. She moves the needle around in my vein and each movement sends a shooting pain through my arm. I finally beg her to take the needle out which she does and I try hard not to cry as I pull my arm away. She tells me they will have to draw blood out of my port. Whatever I dont care anymore. She takes me back to the infusion area and tells me to have a seat and wait. I take a recliner and start to cry behind my sunglasses. I hate this fucking hospital so much. I sit and wait and more than 40 minutes go past before a nurse finally tries to draw blood. Even through the port the blood refuses to come. My nurse Theresa orders a clot buster while the scheduler keeps coming back and forth asking if she can take me back. Theresa says no not yet. When the clot buster arrives she injects it into my line and tapes it down down so they can draw blood after I meet with Dr. Tabarra. I go back to the waiting area and they call me back. I meet with another oncologist who is happy for me about my pathology report and says he understands that I want to get my port out soon. He tells me they typically wait til after radiation is done but he will ask Dr. Tabarra and see. I show him the scar on my breast and he tells me he doesnt think it's anything but to go see Dr. McSwain to be sure. I say ok and he leaves the room to go talk with Dr. Tabarra. He returns along with Dr. Tabarra. Tabarra is happy for me that my pathology report is clean. He tells me that typically people keep the ports in because after surgery there is still residual cancer but since there isnt any lingering cancer the option is up to me. I tell him I dont want a reminder of what I've been through. That if I still had cancer I would of course keep it in but since I dont need more chemo I dont want it there. I have no intention of coming back once a month to get it flushed for the rest of my life. He agrees and says ok he will send a request for it to be removed. That I should have it scheduled before I leave. He tells me he doesnt need blood from me that day so I am pissed that I went through all this pain to find out he doesnt need blood. He leaves and I head back out front where they take me back to infusion area to have the line taken out of my port. Theresa hands me 2 pieces of paper so I can schedule my port removal. I head back to the waiting area and the scheduler calls me up to schedule my appointments. She tells me I need to meet with Dr Tabarra in 3 mos. Fine whatever. We schedule it for early August. After this she faxes over the order to have my port removed. She tells me they should call me within 2 days if not to call them. Got it. She tells me I have an injection scheduled for Thurs. I tell her to cancel that because it's the 6th round of chemo which isnt required since I already had surgery. She cancels it out. After this she hands me paperwork and I head out. It is now 11:10 and I have 20 mins to get to radiation. Before I leave though I decide to stop by and see if I can meet with Dr McSwain real quick to show her the scar and have her tell me that its ok. She has a minute and I show her the scar and she explains its just some swelling and should go away. She tells me to meet with the physical therapist to work out the tightness in my arm so I can raise my arm over my head again. She hands me the PT's card and I rush out of there to hurry over to radiation. I arrive at 11:35 for my 11:30 appointment. They take me down and I change quickly. Today they explain will take just a bit longer because they have to make some final alignments and give me more tattoos. Ok fine. They adjust the machine and call out calibrations and draw marks all over my right breast with a magic marker. She finally applies the ink and sticks me with a needle to place the tattoos. After that they quickly give me 2 shots on each side of radiation. The whole process is over in 15 mins and I hurry to get back dressed and head to work. I get to work around 1 pm and I get a co-worker to get me lunch. I finish out the day and head home. I am tired & I know I need to go to bed early so I can get up early so I make a bowl of cereal, take some sleep meds and go to bed.

Monday May 2nd 2011- Day 119

Today is my last day before radiation therapy starts. I am grateful for the ability to sleep 7 am. I get up and get my day started and head to work. My feet are still hurting and as bad as I want to workout I know there's no way my feet will let me do it. I work through the day and get home at my regular time. I change out my work clothes and take my shower so I dont have to stay up late. I make some macaroni and cheese, snap peas and cornbread to go along with the baked chicken I made last week for dinner. I make a plate and eat it and put the leftovers away. At 9 pm I watch my show and after that I wind down and call it a night.

Sunday May 1st 2011- Day 118

Sunday is another lazy day for me. I am still exhausted and my feet are still extremely tired. Miguel decides we need to hit Burlington Coat Factory for some clothes. I say ok and we both get dressed and head over there. Walking around makes me tired again and my feet are throbbing within 5 mins. I dont find anything in the womens section but I get 2 tshirts from the mens section and get 4 dresses from the baby section for Tatiana. We checkout and head home where I desperately need to get off my feet. We eat breakfast and I take a nap. When I wake up later I work on my laptop a little and then he calls. He and I talk a little while I decide to head to the cornerstore to get juice. I get some carryout and juice and head back to the apt. I eat and then lay back down again. I get up later and download the pictures off my phone onto my computer so I can upload them later to my facebook page. I start to manipulate them resizing each one and trying to correct the dark or light on each one. After awhile I get tired again and take another nap. It gets late and I decide to go to bed. Im asleep before 11.

Saturday April 30 2011- Day 117

I am still exhausted from the 2 long days in New York and the very early trek back to DC yesterday. Try as I might to get my day going I cannot get up out the bed. I sleep until 11 am and then Miguel and I go to breakfast. When we get back he goes back to working on our websites while I crawl back in bed. I sleep until 5 pm. When I get up again I go and talk with him and then I lay down and doze off again. Try as I might I cannot stay awake more than a couple of hours at most. I order some food and have dinner and then go back to sleep. I am in bed for the night by 10.

Friday April 29 2011- Day 116

My alarm goes off at 4 am and I can barely shake off the tiredness. I have only had less than 2 hours of sleep. I need to shower and get dressed and throw the last of my things in my bag so we can go. I brush my teeth wash my face and shower and then call Miguel. He's still asleep. I tell him to hurry up so we can get ready to go and to call a cab now so we dont have to wait too long. I finish getting dressed and throwing things in my bag and then go next door and knock. Miguel lets me in and he finishes getting ready and we head down to the front desk. They tell us the cab is on the way and right then it pulls up. The cabbie asks if we would like to take the Queensboro Bridge or the 59th Street Tunnel. It is now 4:42 am and we have to be there at 5 am so we tell him whichever way is faster. He takes us through the 59th Street tunnel which ends up having a toll. We get to Penn Station at 4:54 am which is remarkable to me. I tip him for getting us there so fast and we head into the station. We have a seat in the Amtrak area and wait for our train. At 5:15 am we hop on our train which pulls out at 5:30 am. Miguel is immediately asleep but it takes me awhile to get comfortable and drift off. I wake up off and on but mostly sleep through the long trip until we get outside of DC where I wake up enough to wake Miguel. We get off our train around 8:50 and both rush off to work. I get to work at 9:10 am and work a full day. My feet are too tired for me to workout that day so I rest during lunch. I get home that evening and immediately lay down in bed. Miguel wakes me up when he gets home but I fall back to sleep. I get up at some point to have dinner but I immediately go back to bed and fall back to sleep.

Thursday April 28 2011- Day 115

I wake up early and call Miguel..I want to be sure he hasnt gone down for breakfast already. He says no so I hurry and throw some clothes on and knock on his door. We head down together and when we get to the lobby Jermaine and Rah are already having breakfast. We come and sit at their table and get breakfast off the breakfast bar. We sit around trying to decide what we are going to do before the draft. Jermaine wants to get started at 9 am. Miguel wants to sleep in til around 12 or 1. Rah wants to compromise. Miguel and I go back upstairs. I tell him I'm going to lay down for awhile and when he wakes up to call me so we can plan. I doze off and sleep til around 2:45 pm when I wake up and call Miguel. He's still asleep as well. He says Jermaine called him around 11 to tell him they were headed into Woodside to walk around. I tell him ok. I suggest we get up and get ready so I can go pick up the money he wired to me and then head into the city. I want to hang out around Times Square. He wants to go to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum and I want to go to the Madam Toussant Wax Museum which I know are both in Times Square. We get dressed and ready and take the shuttle over to Woodside. When we get there are friends are still there. Miguel and I rush to the western union office to get the money which sends us to a second western union office. We finally get the money and by now it is pouring down rain. I dont have an umbrella with me so we stop in a shop real quick so I can buy one. By the time we walk the block back to the subway the rain stops. We hop on the subway and ride back to Times Square-42nd Street station. Jermaine, Rah and Lanod all walk off as Miguel and I go into a shop to grab a late lunch. We eat and they come back..we spot Ripleys & Madam Toussant next door to each other but the time is getting late and we need to get over to Radio City Music Hall to get our tickets. We walk the few blocks over and notice once again a very long line filled with NY fans. This time I am even more decked out in Denver Broncos gear but so is Jermaine. Miguel has on Redskins shirt and Lanod has on a Dolphins hat. We get a loud round of booing and jeering but as with the night before I just laugh. We get in line and wait. As we are waiting Roger Goodell comes through to sign autographs, take photos and talk with fans. I get an autograph. Verizon is coming through with free goodies to give away as well as taking photos and the NFL Network has towels to give away. As I'm waiting NFL Network comes through to ask if I mind being interviewed for Madden '12. I tell them no problem and a few minutes later I get interviewed. After this someone from NFL Network asks if Miguel and I would like to hit the red carpet. We both say yes and he pulls us out of line. He tells us that we will have to get back in line for tickets but we should be ok since we already have our armbands. We get around to the red carpet and as we approach a cop tells us we must go back and find the person who got us. We rush back but Miguel and I get separated. I get to the guy and he gives me an arm band so I can go back to the red carpet area. By now my camera has died which sucks so as I step onto the platform in front of the red carpet area I will have to take pictures with my cellphone. My cellphone cant lock fast enough for me to get great pictures but I manage to get a few good ones of players arriving. Miguel calls and I tell him I'm on the red carpet taking pictures. He tells me he's already in the hall so I will be on my own. As time for the draft approaches I rush off the platform and head back to the line to get a ticket. I get into the hall and call Miguel again but now I cant reach him. I head to the area where my seat is and I'm handed a gift bag before heading into the sitting area. I get my seat and try to get a picture of the platforms for NFL Network and ESPN but the bright lights dont allow my camera to get a clear picture. The program begins and I sit and attentively wait for the draft to begin. Roger Goodell is booed when he hits the stage. Everytime the cameras turn towards my area the cameraman for ESPN gives a motion for the crowd to get loud. He tries to get us to move in close but the Hall staff keeps moving us back. I make friends with 2 guys who sit behind me and we talk through the whole draft. I put on the small radio they give us so I can listen to commentary from both NFL Network & ESPN between picks. We move back & forth trying to give the cameraman the loud rowdy crowd noise and cheering he wants. One of my new buddies Dimitri actually gets on tv which we both laugh about. He is texting me through the draft and I tell him how things are going and send him the occasional photo that I post on facebook as well. When the draft is finished I separate from Dimitri and Steve and meet back up with my friends in the concession area. It is now close to 12 so we need to find some food and head back to the hotel. We call the hotel to find out what time the airport shuttle stops running and they tell us 12:45. It is 12:37 by this point and there is no way we can get to Woodside station in 8 mins so we call our gypsy cab driver again who tells us 20 mins. Meanwhile we get some food from Burger King and wait. I have been standing now for almost 2 days straight so my feet are killing me. I know we have to hurry and get back to the hotel since Miguel and I are catching a 5:30 train back to DC in the morning. Our cab arrives and we get back to the hotel quickly. I hit my room and immediately start packing. I eat quickly as I pack and by now it is past 2 am so I crawl in bed so I can catch a couple of hours of sleep before morning.

Wednesday April 27 2011- Day 114

Today I'm leaving for NY for the NFL Draft. I'm glad I'm finished chemo and surgery so I can travel even if it means putting off radiation for a week. I wish my hair had grown back in time but oh well. My roommate and I finish throwing things in our bags and then we take ride our rental car to the subway station and catch the subway to Union Station where we'll catch a bus to NY. We arrive around 11 am and my roommate realizes he left the business account credit card at home..UGH! We eat some food and wait for our friends that are traveling with us to arrive. My roommate plans to rush to the bank to withdraw the cash but he looks up the bank and realizes that there are branches in New York so we'll wait until we arrive to worry about the money for the hotel. We walk to the bus depot and wait in line for the bus to NY. Our friends arrive just behind us and we all wait as the bus arrives late. We all hop on the top level of the doubledecker bus and head to the very back. We all sit together and my roommate and his friend try to find the wifi connection on the bus. My laptop is locked up below so I play with my iPod touch but cant find the signal. The 2 of them get their iPads connected and work online for awhile. About an hour into the trip I'm starting to get sleepy so we all stretch out and fall asleep in our spots. I doze off and on wake up in Delaware, fall back to sleep, wake up outside of NJ. I stay awake the rest of the way there. My roommate and I decide to wire the money to me so I can go pick it up as opposed to try to locate a bank and such. We get into Manhattan and after trying to flag down a cab, call the hotel who tells us to catch the subway to Woodside-61st Street Station in Queens. It ends up being a long ride changing trains carrying luggage and chairs. We arrive and call the hotel who sends us an airport shuttle. We arrive to our hotel which is unfortunately situated across the street from a cemetary. Explains why the room was so cheap for a suite. We check-in and get to our rooms. I am glad to have a room to myself which includes a bed and a pull-out couch. Unfortunately the view out my window is of the cemetary so I keep my shades drawn. We get settled and decide to head back into the city. We are all tired so we cant imagine catching the subway again so we catch a cab with all of our chairs so we can go to the draft straight after. We arrive at what we think is early and discover a long line has already formed out front of Radio City Music Hall so we decide to go ahead and stand in line. I am dressed in Denver Broncos gear from head to foot so as I walk pass the line of NY fans I get a loud chorus of boos and hisses and jeers. I laugh and pull my hood on so they can see the Broncos logo on the side. We get to the back of the line and wait. As we wait we realize we are all hungry so 4 of us decide to walk to find food while my roommate waits in line. We find a pizza parlor a block over and decide to order a pizza and some sodas. The place is an authentic italian restaurant so they handmake our pizza. While I'm waiting my friends walk off and leave me. Jermaine comes back with his girlfriend Rah now wearing a jacket since it has now gotten cold. His cousin returns after taking a call. By now the pizza is ready. My roommate calls to tell us we lost our place in line but we need to hurry back. We grab the pizza and our sodas and run back to the line. We have to get in the back of the line and as we run in the barrier they close it behind us. We will be the last ones in our section. We pull out our chairs and sit down and eat pizza. Miguel is up front somewhere but he's crowded in and cant sit down and doesnt want pizza. We stay in our area listening to the NY fans boo people as they come through in any jersey other than Jets or Giants. After an hour or so of waiting they move the barricade and move us up further. An hour after that the line moves through and we move into the Hall to get our armbands. I'm glad we're moving because it has gotten breezy and much colder. We all get our armbands and decide to catch a cab back to the hotel. We have the number for our gypsy cab driver who arrives 20 mins later and takes us back to our hotel. It is late when we get back and we are all tired so we each go to our separate hotel rooms and go to sleep. I have been texting him all afternoon so he knows where I am and what's going on. I know he's most concerned that I'm sleeping alone so I make sure to take a pic of my room so he can see I'm there alone. After a few more text and talking to my roommate about breakfast in the morning I fall asleep.

Tuesday April 26 2011- Day 113

Today will be the day I get measured for my first radiation treatment. Basically they are going to align me on the machine and draw marks on my body with ink that they push in with a pin. They refer to them as tattoos. My appointment is at 8 am so I need to be up out the bed by 6 and out the door by 6:51 to catch a 6:56 bus. It's rough for me getting up because I'm not a morning person and getting up an hour earlier is a struggle. I manage to get out the door on time and arrive at radiation at 7:45 am. They give me some paperwork to fill out and then leave me to sit until a nurse comes to get me and take me down to radiation. They take me to a dressing area and tell me to undress from the waist up and put on a gown. I quickly change and forget to take off my bra and necklace which the nurse tells me to remove. I am then put on a radiation simulator. This machine wont actually radiate me instead it will give them the alignment needed for treatment. They get me positioned and begin drawing dots and lines on my body. The whole process takes about 10 mins. I get back dressed and go back upstairs. I meet with Dr. O my radiation dr and I show him a scar that has developed along my right breast. He says it's nothing to be concerned about just scar tissue developing. I say ok and leave. I get to work on time and at lunch time I do a hard 30 min workout and I'm exhausted by the end of it. By the end of the day I'm not sure if it was a good idea considering that I still need to wash and pack before we leave for our trip tomorrow to NY. I am so tired when I get home I want to lay down and sleep but I know I need to throw clothes in the wash and get packed. We also need to run to the store and get some groceries. By the time I finish everything it is well after midnight. I dont finally fall asleep til after 1 am. Thank goodness I dont have to work tomorrow.

Monday April 25 2011- Day 112

Monday I am determined to do another 25 mins in the gym..if I can I may even push for a full 30 mins. I push myself and do a full 30 mins..I am exhausted but the workout is worth it. I feel my lungs burning slightly but I'm proud of myself for being able to go that long. I have a good lunch and finish out my workday. I get home and we need to wash clothes but still dont have quarters. I dont fret..I figure I'll do it tomorrow after work before I pack. I go to bed and text him once during the night then sleep through.

Sunday April 24 2011- Day 111

Today is Easter Sunday. I am hoping he will send me photos of himself and his daughters but they never manifest. I'm not going to bug him to death about it. I want to say something but I dont. I get a few text back and forth from friends wishing me a happy easter. I mainly lay in bed and relax and play on my laptop. I'm glad I bought it just so I can have it next to me when I'm in bed. I often wake up in the middle of the night and get on it just to send him some photos. He loves that especially when he's at work bored. He doesnt work today so I dont talk to him that much. I talk with my dad a little and text back and forth with my brothers but mostly I nap off and on and go to bed early.

Saturday April 23 2011- Day 110

Its Easter Saturday..I get pictures all day from my sister in law Carla. They are Adventist so today is their Easter service. I love the pictures of everyone dressed in their finest Easter attire. The baby is so adorable in the lilac dress I bought her and all the kids look so beautiful as do my brother and sister in law. Miguel and I go shopping for some last minute things for our trip but we arent out long. Mostly we chill that day..we are so focused on our trip. I have alot on my mind right now. I spend the day chilling and go to bed at a decent hour.

Friday April 22 2011- Day 109

I'm so glad it's Friday..it means a short week next week and then I can go to the NFL Draft in NY. This will be the first time I've left DC since before this all began. My last time leaving town was to visit him and that was in October. Fighting cancer has left me trapped in DC and it depresses me to no end. I'm looking forward to going to NY even if that means its going to throw my treatment off by 1 week. Oh well. I have a great workout which exhausts me but makes me feel good. I eat a nice salad and plan to have a restful weekend. I have no plans for the weekend. We go shopping to put juice and things in the apt. I am beyond tired so I lay down and go to bed for the night around midnight.

Thursday April 21 2011- Day 108

My Denver Broncos chair arrived the day before at work but I couldnt carry it with me to my doctor's appointment so I left it at work. Today I'm going to take it home so I can put it together with the rest of my Broncos stuff to take with me on my New York trip next week. All this treatment and sickness depress me to no end. The trip gives me something to look forward to. I do a short workout..about 25 mins that make my chest burn but makes me feel better that I can even workout at all. I end my day and go home to a quiet apartment til my roommate gets home. We talk about our plans for next week and try to figure out how we are going to get home from New York which we still havent worked out yet. I get tired of trying to figure it out and go lay down and rest for the night.

Wednesday April 20 2011- Day 107

Today I have to leave work early because I have to meet with the radiation doctor. If it's not 1 goddamn thing it's another with this bs. I get tired of having to deal with treatment. So after a full day of work I leave at 2:30 to walk down to GW Hosp. I meet with the radiation dr who proceeds to tell me that it is in my best interest to go through radiation. That I shouldnt suffer through the same kind of side effects I did with chemotherapy and that the most I should have to deal with is skin changes similar to a sunburn including dry itching and peeling. Great just what I need. He says that radiation isnt required but it reduces my chance of reoccurence from 40% to less than 10%. With that information it's clear that radiation is not in fact optional. He tells me that he will set me up with my first appointment which will just be measurements for next week. He asks me the date..I tell him I'm leaving town Wed-Fri of next week so he says fine let's plan for Tues with the first radiation beginning the following week. Ok fine whatever. He asks me what time..I tell him at 8 am. He leaves the exam room and returns shortly with an appt card for the following Tues at 8 am. It's more shit I'm not looking forward to including get up an hour early for the next 6 weeks but this seems unavoidable. Such is my life now while battling cancer.

Tuesday April 19 2011- Day 106

I have a 9 am appt with Dr. McSwain..this is a follow-up after surgery. She has already told me the good news so I'm kinda looking forward to meeting with her. I leave at the normal time for work and go to the GW MFA bldg. I arrive on time and wait. They bring me back and have me get undressed from the waist up and wait for Dr. McSwain. She comes in and checks on the progress of my surgical scars. She tells me everything looks good. She then proceeds to show me the pathology report with the information she already let me know last week. Now she tells me all I need to do is go through radiation. My heart sinks. I dont understand..I thought once I was cancer free I didnt have to do anymore treatment. She explains that radiation is not required but is highly recommended. That I should come back the next day and meet with the radiologist who can explain it better than she can. I'm too depressed to say anything other than ok. She asks if I have questions and I ask her when can I get the port out of my chest. She says she will talk to Dr. Tabarra and find out..he has to approve that. Ugh..this bs is so damn frustrating. I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of bs. She tells me to get dressed and she's going to have Casey meet with me and she'll call the radiation office to see when they can schedule me. She comes back and tells me I have an appt the next day at 3:30 pm here to meet with the radiation dr. Whatever I dont care anymore. She leaves and shortly after Casey comes in. I talk to Casey for awhile and start to cry. I tell her I'm just sick of treatment. I'm sick of all of this. It feels like it just never fucking ends. I want to live my life and everytime I think I can it gets put back on hold for this bullshit. She tries to console me but it doesnt help. I just want to leave and get to work. I get to work and let them know what they tell me. They are sad for me too. I work the whole day and after work Miguel rents a car and we go to VA to get Jermaine and go to dinner. We go to Ruby Tuesdays and eat and talk about the draft next week. We are excited about that atleast. After dinner we drop Jermaine off and go back to MD..we stop at the grocery store to get some things and then go home. I drop off to sleep around midnight.

Monday April 18 2011- Day 105

I text my boss and my co-worker and let them know I'm going to be out sick that day. I then get out the bed and start getting dressed and ready for work like normal. I take my gym clothes out my bag and pack in a change of clothes and some other items for seeing him. I am trying to stay calm though inside I'm nervous as hell. He still gives me butterflies even after 2 years and 8 visits. My roommate and I leave and catch the bus to the train station. We catch the train and I get off the train a few stops later and catch it back the opposite direction so I can catch the MARC train out to BWI. He tells me he's going to arrive at 10 but there isnt a plane set to arrive at 10. He clarifies that he means 11, 10 his time. Ok fine. I get to New Carrollton and pick a 9:40 train so I wont get out to BWI too early and have to just sit around. I get a muffin and some apple juice for breakfast and slowly consume them while I watch and wait. I finally go upstairs and catch the train. I get to BWI and I sit on a bench waiting. I look on Facebook and notice he's updated his status..how is that possible if he's on a plane? I text him and asks him where is he. Now I'm starting to think he isnt coming. I get on the phone with a friend chatting. As I'm talking I see him walking towards me. Before I can hang up he has his arms around my waist. He's shaking as he's holding me. I loop my arms around his neck and kiss him on his cheek and neck whispering to him it's ok I'm right here. He still holds me. He finally lets me go and we head downstairs to catch an airport shuttle to our hotel. We talk as we ride the shuttle. We get there and check-in and go to our room. I want to cry as I look at him. It has been 6 long months since I've last seen him. He's lost weight and looks so good..still the man I've loved for so long. I wish I could keep him here. He sets up his return flight and I know that I only have a few hours with him. It makes me sad that this is all I get after so long but it's better than nothing at all. We spend the entire day in bed together snuggled up. I dont want to leave his side for a minute. He makes me take the wig off and I wear a headwrap the whole day with him. I hold him or he holds me. I lay my head on his chest or he lays his on mine. I kiss him over and over again. He kisses me or rubs my legs. We eat lunch and then take a nap curled up together. He is shaking in his sleep so I hold him close against me whispering to him that it's ok. He is holding tight to my leg. When he wakes up he tells me his dream and I smile at him. Our time is almost over now and I'm sad. I get back dressed including the wig. He tells me he hates the wigs..he hated them when his mom wore them..I tell him I know I hate them too. He asks me how long will it be until my hair grows back. I tell him I dont know..soon I hope..I've never had to go from no hair before. The conversation makes me uncomfortable. I am self conscious now..I dont feel like myself anymore and now I'm wondering if he's looking at me different. Does he love me less? Does he love me at all? I mean he's here right? I cant shake this feeling and I hate it. We go to the airport and I wait with him while he gets his pass to get through security. We hug 1 last time before he goes through security and I walk off towards ground transportation. I call my sister in law, 1 of the few people who knew he was here. I tell her how the day goes. I tell her how I'm feeling now. She tells me not to worry but I cant help it. I call my co-worker who knew he was here and we talk while I wait on a supershuttle to get me home. He and I text back & forth while he waits on a flight home. I'm worried he may not make it & I'm tempted to stick around in case he needs to stay the night but I figure it's best to get home in case he does get a flight. It takes me a while to get home and he calls to make sure the last flight is available after the flight he's trying to catch is booked up. I tell him it doesnt look good. An hour later he tells me he's got a ticket on the flight. I'm kind of happy but kind of sad. I was hoping to have a little bit more time but I know he needs to get home so he can work that night. I text him and tell him to text me when he gets back home. I dont hear from him again. I go to bed late and wake up in the middle of the night to text him which goes unanswered.

Sunday April 17 2011- Day 104

Miguel gets home from Novia Scotia around 12:45 pm. I havent gotten up yet so I finally get out the bed when he gets in. I realize I need to start getting ready if my brother is going to show up around 2. I figure he'll call me first and let me know he's on the way. As I step out the shower and grab my phone I see a text from my brother letting me know he's out front. Crap! I now have to rush to get dressed and ready. I throw on clothes and rush out the door. Robert and I ride and talk all the way to his house. When I arrive Carla immediately hands me Tatiana. I put her on her usual spot on my left shoulder and walk with her to the livingroom. WHen I get there my dad is sitting there and I come and sit next to him and talk. We talk about my meeting with my doctor on Tues and I go over what I was told on Thurs. We are both happy. He sticks around for awhile and I get to play with Tati as she wakes up and falls back to sleep. I lay her over my heart and snuggle in with her. I just love to hold her and look at her. She is my reason for living. She is my kindred spirit and when I'm with her I remember why I fight this battle everyday. When she wakes I walk and talk with her..so long as I stay in motion she doesnt cry..she has me trained that way. I stand in the mirror and show Tati her reflection which makes her laugh..love the sound of her laugh. This baby is what keeps me going. I get a text around 9 pm from him saying he will come to town tomorrow morning. Aww hell. I didnt really think he would come but now I have to plan to have the day off. I stay and have dinner with my brother's family and finally get home around 10. Before I go to bed I book a hotel room near BWI Airport and let him know I'll be there to meet with him at the airport in the morning. I'm nervous as hell but need to sleep so I go to bed around 12 and keep waking up every hour or so through the night.

Saturday April 16 2011- Day 103

My roommate leaves at 4:30 am to head to Novia Scotia for a shoot. Around 8 am he keeps ringing my phone til he finally wakes me out of sleep. He has left the credit card behind so he needs the numbers off the card. I'm groggy as I get out of bed and going searching in his room for it. I finally find it on his nightstand. I read off the numbers and then fall back to sleep in his bed. He wakes me again a little while later asking for it again. I read it again and doze off. I talk to my sister in law shortly after that about my visit tomorrow. Robert will come around 2..ok cool. I dont have any plans for the day so I spend most of it in bed sleeping and watching tv. I finally eat somewhere around 3 pm. I spend the rest of the day surfing the internet, tweeting, watching tv and napping off and on. My ex text me about hanging out with him but that doesnt pan out thankfully and I go to bed around midnight after talking to my roommate about the shoot.

Friday April 15 2011- Day 102

Part of the staff is out on Friday. I still dress fly and wear my jordan boots. I'm in a very good mood. I feel light hearted and happy. It's amazing how good you feel when you get good news. All I've been hearing is depressing news for so long I've forgotten what it's like to hear any good news. So now I'm happy..I work through my day with a bounce in my step. I was hoping he would come to town this weekend but he tells me last minute that he's not. It's cool I guess..I can make plans to see my brother's family instead..I havent seen my Tati in weeks and I miss her. I get home that evening and while my roommate stays up packing I go to bed.

Thursday April 14 2011- Day 101

My roommate wakes me up early. He has rented a car that has to be back by 8:30 am so we have to get out the door a little earlier. I take a few minutes to send a few pix to him and get out the bed. We rush to get ready and out the door. Unfortunately when we get to the car the battery is dead and we are unable to start the car. We go back in the house and call Zipcar who sends out roadside assistance. In the meantime I decide to go hop on the bus. As I board the bus roadside assistance pulls up. I call my roommate and tell him to pick me up from the subway station. It takes another half hour for roadside assistance to get the car running and my roommate to show up. By now we are very late. I text my co-workers to let them know. I get to the office building and decide to get some breakfast before I head up. I get in my office by 9:40. He calls me as I walk in the door and I tell him what happens and after he laughs we talk about him coming to visit and a plane ticket. After we get off the phone I start my morning. Lunch time rolls around and I decide to lay down and take a nap. I get back to my desk and around 2:42 pm my phone rings. It is a GW Hosp number so I answer it. It's Dr. McSwain. She asks me if I'm free to talk. I tell her yes. She proceeds to tell me that my pathology report is in and that I am cancer free. I let out a scream and start to cry. She asks if I'm ok and I tell her yes that she's made my whole week month year day weekend. She says ok and tells me the test on the lymph nodes came back negative as well so the cancer has not spread. That I am now completely done treatment. I will have my follow up with her on Tues and we will go over everything but that is it. I keep crying as she talks and I hang up the phone. I tell my co-worker Lauren who happens to be next to me at the time. I call my dad and as the phone rings I tell my co-worker Isabelle which my dad catches when he answers as I'm telling her. We both celebrate. I call him and let him know and he keeps repeating "I told you I told you." I tell him I love him and he says the same and we hang up. I call my sister in law Carla who prays over me and then my cousin Lisa who wants to throw a party. I call my roommate and tell him and he's very happy..he has been the one who has seen the worst of what I've had to go through these last few months so I know he is the happiest. I call my sister in law May and then my brother James calls and I let him know too. I post a message on Facebook and Twitter and send text to everyone in my phone. My phone goes off the rest of the evening with congratulatory text and phone calls and folks reply to my messages on Facebook & Twitter. I want to go out and celebrate that night but my breast starts to hurt so I lay down and rest. My roommate gets dinner and I eat and then take some percocet. I fall asleep til he makes me get up and go lay in my bed. I sleep the most peaceful I have in a long time. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and a light enter into my life that had been missing for a long time. It is the happiest I have been in a very long time.

Wednesday April 13 2011- Day 100

I try to work out going to see him this weekend but all the flights there are booked up. I let him know and he suggests that he come up here. OMG!? Did he really just suggest that? We have been seeing each other for 2 years and he has never once suggested it. I say yes that would be great. I tell him I'll send him the buddy pass but it should be easier for him to get here then me to get there..we'll see what happens. I dont believe anyone til I actually see them. The mere suggestion is progress though. I havent been eating right in days so I make a point to actually eat some cereal at breakfast and a salad at lunch. Neither stay down long but at least my appetite is starting to return. I am tired by the end of the workday so I get home and shower and lay in the bed. I dont cook dinner I decide to just eat a bowl of cereal. I take the percocet shortly afterwards and doze off til sometime around 11. I wake up take some motrin pm and sleep supplements and go back to sleep. I still wake up around 2 and text him for a couple of hours til I can finally fall back to sleep.

Tuesday April 12 2011- Day 99

I'm determined to do a full day today..I'm tired but I need to make an effort to get through the day. I have some calls and emails to send. I call Univ of TN and speak with Beth Cole about the award that I got notice about. She tells me that they keep it a surprise til after the award ceremony. She asks if I will be able to attend..I tell her no. She tells me she will mail me a notice the day after the ceremony which means next Wed. She says it's a good surprise. I'm thinking it's a scholarship since I cant imagine any other award coming to me from Univ of TN considering I havent actually gone to school there. I guess I'll find out sometime next week. I call the Cancer Care organization again but get voicemail so leave a message and send an email hoping I'll hear from them. I talk with my dad about the award and he's excited for me. He tells me if I find a place to take driving classes he'll pay for half. Damn..guess I better get on the ball with that. Especially if I'm going to go away to school like UofTN. Near the end of my workday UPS delivers a couple of big boxes..he leaves them at my desk and departs. I cant keep boxes at my desk so I get up and try to push them with my foot towards the far hall. When that doesnt work I give up and push them. After just a couple of pushes I feel my right armpit start to scream in pain. I stop where I am. My co-worker sees me trying to push the boxes and she snaps at me and pushes the boxes the rest of the way to the hallway. I go back to my desk in pain. I take 2 motrin and hope that the day hurries up and finishes. I get home and my armpit is in even more pain..I knew it was stupid to push the boxes but I didnt think it would be this bad. As I walk in the door my phone is ringing..it is the Cancer Care organization. I speak for nearly an hour with Kristy who talks with me about my journey and what the organization can do to help me. They are going to send me a check for $150..it isnt much considering all the bills but it's atleast something so I guess that's good. She tells me I need to take more pain meds when I explain to her what I had done. After I hang up I take 2 percocet. My roommate gets home and hands me an envelope..inside is a check from my old job. Apparently I never rolled out my 401K and since I didnt give them any information where to roll it they mailed me a check. It's only for $450 but that's cool..I wasnt expecting it. My roommate tells me I have to pay the $500 server bill for our websites so the $450 will almost cover what I'm about to lose. I make a little dinner and after eating I lay down and start to doze. My roommate wakes me and makes me go lay in my own bed. I sit up for awhile and type but eventually the drowsiness overtakes me and I fall asleep. I try to wake up to talk to him but I sleep straight through the night.

Monday April 11th 2011- Day 98

I have decided I am going into work..not sure how long I'm going to make it through the day. It all depends on how I feel. For now I'll plan for a half day and if I'm feeling up to it I'll do the full day. I get dressed and leave for work. When I arrive everyone seems shocked but very happy to see me. I get lots of hugs from everyone. The first part of the day goes well but as the day drags on I feel myself start to get more and more tired. This is the most hours I've been awake so it's hard for me to function. By 11 am I know I'm not going to make it the full day. At 1 pm I finally give up..I leave work and head home. I order some lunch since I havent eaten anything yet today. All I've had so far is a glucerna and 2 protein shakes..I know I need to eat. I eat and take some pain meds and finally fall asleep around 4 pm. I wake up to the sound of my roommate coming in the door around 7. He hands me a notice from Univ of TN. I open it and it's a notice that I'm receiving an award next week. Now the only award I applied for was a scholarship so this is the only thing I believe it is. Wow..if it is that's super..it means I have something to look forward to and and reason to hurry up and get well and get back to school. Also if it's a scholarship I guess that means my mind is made up where I'm going to school (go with who is giving me $ to go to school). I know I will have to call them in the morning to try and find out. I also get a call from the oncology dept telling me I have chemo on Thurs..wtf? I'm post surgery and wasnt informed I need more chemo..something tells me the right hand isnt telling the left hand what it's doing which is causing mass confusion and getting on my last damn nerve. I fall back to sleep and my roommate wakes me around 9 and I go to my bed and fall back to sleep..I wake up a couple of times but I cant get out the bed. I text him around 3 am and we talk til around 5 am. He is happy about Univ of TN too but we'll see what happens. Alot of things are swiming through my mind..I have to call UTN about the notice..I have to call the oncology dept to cancel the chemo..I have to call my breast care dr for a follow-up..I have to call the cancer care organization about my rent..so much to do..so much to think about. My mind is racing so I fall in and out of sleep all night long.

Sunday April 10th 2011- Day 97

I sleep in late..I wake up once early but fall back to sleep..I cant seem to get out the bed. I'm just too tired and sore to make a serious effort to get up. He calls me sometime in the afternoon and we talk briefly..he has his daughter and I'm happy for him. It's good to hear his voice even if he does annoy me to no end sometimes. I get constant text so I eventually go in my roommate's room and lay down leaving the phone in the livingroom so I can rest. My roommate wakes me when he wants to take a call or take a nap. I dont care really all I want to do is sleep anyway. My armpit is still tender. I still have a sore on my butt that hasnt fully healed and I'm tired of looking at all these bruises and unhealed needle marks that cover both arms. Now that surgery is over I look forward to the day when I can finally fully heal and not have to look at all these marks. I'm having a decent day but I still dont eat well..not sure when my appetite will return to normal but for now I just deal with it. I sleep all evening then get up shower and lay down for the night around 11 pm.

Saturday April 9th 2011- Day 96

I am very tired today. Even though I can see the sun is shining and I'm sure the weather is warm I have no interest in going outside. All I want to do is sleep. My appetite is off so I only eat twice maybe once..I lose count cuz I dont really feel like eating. I eat because I have to in order to take my pain med. I only take the percocet once a day preferring to take motrin the rest of the time. My breast doesnt hurt at all, only my armpit gives me some pain. Short of that I'm ok I'm just exhausted and want to rest constantly. My only movement is going from my bed to my roommate's bed to sleep and back again. I watch tv in short spurts but I call it a night very early.

Friday April 8th 2011- Day 95

Today is my first post surgery recovery day. I'm glad that the lymph nodes tested negative for cancer and that they only had to remove 2. I'm even more grateful that because of that I go to come home and sleep in my own bed. Here I can lay in a comfy bed with 3 layers of mattress pads. I can run my fan to keep me cool and my humidifer to keep the air moist to try and cut down on my nose bleeds. I can also keep the heat on so that it's toasty warm when I get out the bed. I'm going to stay home from work today and allow my body to heal. My right breast and arm pit are tender but not unbearable. Definitely less pain then the back pain that the neulasta shot causes. I know I'll be ok. I spend the day resting, laying in bed writing and napping when I can. I eat a little but mainly I try to take it easy. I cant shower yet but I do remove the bandages. I stand in the mirro and look at my breast. There is a 1 inch scar on the inside of my right breast and a half inch scar under my right arm pit. When I look at my breast straight on in the mirror I dont notice any difference in their size. The tumor had been real small so there isnt any noticeable difference between the 2. I am grateful for that. It means that the chemo did its job even if I had to suffer a lot in the process. All I do now is pray that I get the all clear in 10 days. I spend all day not hearing from him so I dont bother to text him. He finally text me late that evening but he keeps the convo short & I dont bother to try to force him to talk. I'm tired and I want to rest. I go to bed early around 9 pm and I sleep broken through the night.

Thursday April 7th 2011- Day 94

This is it..today is the day I'm having surgery. It feels like I've been waiting on this day since forever. I really didnt sleep that well through the night so when my dad calls at 6 am I am already awake. I just lay in bed tl 6:30 because I already took a shower the night before, I'm not wearing a wig and I'm not wearing contacts so it will only take a few short minutes to get ready. I wash my face, brush my teeth and get dressed. I throw my laptop and my pooh bear in my backpack just in case I have to stay the night. I'm still not clear if I will or won't so I prepare either way. My dad arrives and I leave for the hospital. We get there around 7:30 and we finish all the paperwork and sit in the admissions waiting area. While sitting there I remove my hat so just my pink ribbon headscarf is visible. My dad looks at me and asks me to remove it. He has not seen my baldhead and I'm scared to show him. I take a deep breath and I take it off. Tears slide down my cheeks but my dad just smiles at me and kisses the top of my head. I slide the scarf back on and wait. After an hour they finally call my name. One nurse asks if I had the procedure done. I'm assuming she's talking about the nuclear medicine injection from the day before. I say if that's the one you are referring to then yes. She walks away and we are lead upstairs to the 2nd floor where I change into just a gown and toss all my clothes in a bag. While I'm sitting and waiting my phone rings and it's the hospital number showing up. It is Dr McSwain's office calling to ask me where am I. I tell them I'm in the hospital. They tell me I'm supposed to be at MFA building a block away. That I'm late for an appointment to have a wire put into my breast. Without the wire Dr. McSwain cant perform the surgery. She asks where have I been..I tell her I've been in the hospital since 7:30 am and no one told me that I was at the wrong location. She asks how long will it take me to get there. I tell her I just need to redress and walk over. I tell my dad what's happening and he looks as agitated as I feel. I throw on my clothes and grab my backpack..I tell the nurses what's happening and they call over to get clarification. They tell me I have to go. I leave and head ove to the MFA building. I am furious that I have been sitting in the hospital for over an hour and a half and no one had called me or checked on me or even informed me I was in the wrong area. I get over to the radiology in the MFA building and they rush me through to get me to the mammography area. A nurse comes to get me who explains they are going to take a picture to find the tumor and then place a wire into my breast to mark where it is as a guideline for Dr McSwain to follow. They take the pictures, then numb my breast and finally put the wire in. She takes a pic while the wire is in and then adjust it til it is perfect. They take a final photo and then tape down the part of the needle that is sticking out my breast. She tells me not to put my bra back on and to go out to the main waiting area to wait for someone to walk me back over to the hospital. We get back over and we are lead straight back up to the 2nd floor. They kept my same waiting area #8 ready for me. I hurry and change back and wait for my doctor. She comes in shortly after and I introduce her to my dad. She explains everything to me that is going to happen today. When I asks her about having to stay the night she tells me it will be determined what they find when they remove the lymph nodes from my armpit. Whatever. She leaves and a series of nurses come through and asks me to keep signing paperwork. Authorization for surgery, power of attorney, etc etc. The next nurse, Moon, starts the IV line in my left wrist. When she leaves I start to cry..my dad comes over and hugs me. I lean into him. I tell him I just want this to bo over..I dont want to do this anymore. He consoles me while he holds me til I stop crying. The next person to come in is the other doctor who will be working with Dr McSwain..I dont remember his name but he's a surgical resident. The next person is my anesthesiologist Dr. Lee. He has me sign more paperwork. He goes off and another nurse takes all my stuff away and puts them in a locker. For now I keep my glasses on but they give me a bag to put them in so they can take them away. Dr. Lee returns and gives me a shot. Shortly after they make me give my glasses to a nurse who puts it in a locker with the rest of my stuff and then they wheel me away. I get to the surgery room and I get on a table for surgery. I wake up in recovery..I feel groggy, dizzy and lightheaded. I lay for awhile til I can open my eyes. The first nurse asks me how I feel. I just nod at her. She asks me if I would like something to drink and I tell her apple juice. She goes and grabs me 2 small containers of apple juice. They are cold and feel so good going down my throat which is now raw from having a breathing tube down it. I asks how did it go but she tells me she doesnt know I will have to wait on my doctor. I asks her if I was going home that day. I know if she answers yes that the test on the lymph nodes went well. She tells me yes I'm going home. I cheer to myself a little. They go get my dad who tells me what Dr. McSwain told him..that they removed a very small almost pea sized tumor along with just 2 lymph nodes. The lymph nodes tested negative for cancer so they didnt need to remove the rest of them. We are both happy and he hugs and kisses me. He gets to stay with me for awhile but eventually they send him back downstairs to wait for me. They switch me from a bed to a recliner so I can sit up while I'm recovering. I start to get dressed and as I stand up the room starts to tilt and I feel my stomach lurch. I sit back down and take a deep breath. The nurse explains that they have given me a large dose of anesthesia and that it will make me very sick to my stomach and vomit. She gets me a dose of a nausea med and injects it into my iv line in my wrist. I sit and wait while my stomach settles. They move me to another recovery area. Over here she gives me a bottle of water and puts a motion sickness patch behind my left ear. She said it should help with the nausea. She finally takes the iv line out my wrist and bandages me. They call down to my dad to tell him to get his car so we can leave. A nurse finally comes to wheel me downstairs. I have a bag with a litle thing to vomit in and some gauze pads to wipe my mouth if I do. I get in the car and even the motion of moving my eyes back and forth gives me motion sickness. I keep my eyes closed during the ride home. I'm trying hard to keep from getting sick. Every bump in the road sets my stomach to lurching. I dont know if I'm going to make it. As we are almost to my apartment I feel sensation that I'm going to vomit..I know I'm not going to make it home. I feel the warm saliva fill my mouth. I open the bag with the little vomit dish and I dont bother to pull it out I just cover my mouth nose and chin with the plastic bag. I feel my stomach give one final lurch and I vomit up all the apple juice and water I just finished drinking. My dad hands me some wet wipes to clean up my face. I apologize to him but he says it's ok..I didnt vomit in his car atleast. We get to my apartment complex and he takes the bag and throws it in the dumpster. After vomiting though I feel a little better. My stomach isnt lurching and I can move my eyes without getting dizzy. My dad walks me into the building. I point out my next door neighbor Ms Tweet to him. He doesnt want to leave me alone while Miguel is still at work but I tell him if he asks Ms Tweet to check on me she'll come knock on my door and make sure I'm ok. He says ok and leaves. Shortly after Ms. Tweet knocks to check on me. I tell her I'm fine and that I'm just going to lay down. She leaves. Miguel text me & asks for an update. I tell him I'm home resting and explain the procedure. I tell him I need to get my medicine so he agrees to rent a car so we can do it that night. After I finish texting him I post a message on Facebook letting everyone know how the surgery went and then I text everyone else in my phone and tweet it as well. I get lots of well wishes for a speedy recovery and I feel good. I doze off and when Miguel gets home I sleep some more til he tells me that we're going to get my prescription filled and go to the grocery store for more food for the apartment. Ok no problem. First he runs to his office to get some boxes shipped to him. Afterwards he comes back to get me and we drop the prescription off at CVS while we run to Giant. We get some groceries and then we head to Wendy's to get some dinner. We stop by CVS and grab the prescription and head home. I eat my food take some pain and sleep meds and I call it a night by midnight.

Wednesday April 6th 2011- Day 93

Today I'm leaving work early. I have to have a procedure done prior to my surgery tomorrow. I stop and get a smoothie on my way to work. I get a muffin after the judging brings breakfast out. Around 2 pm I leave work for the day and head down to GW Hosp. I'm going to hospital itself instead of the Medical Faculty Associates building. I go to radiology on the 1st floor and check in. They seem confused at first that I'm there but then a nurse says she knows I'm supposed to be there and have a seat she'll be ready in a few minutes for me. I have a seat and then she finally comes to get me. She takes me back to a room where a tech sits in a chair outside a room that contains a machine that looks similar to the PET/CT scan machine. The tech tells me that I need to get undressed from the waist up. He explains that today they are going to inject my right breast around the areola 3 times with a radioactive material that will light up the path that my breast takes out to the lymph nodes. This will help isolate the ones that need to be removed for testing. He warns me that the radioactive medicine will burn like holy hell. Ugh..more painful injections..great. Like I havent had enough of painful injections already. He tells me I'll need to massage it in for several minutes and then he will take 3 photos which will guide the doctor tomorrow. He leaves the room & I get undressed from the waist up and put on a gown. He retuns and puts a blanket over me so I can stay warm in this cold room. Shortly after a doctor comes in and repeats the same instructions. He tells me I can go fast or slow..I tell him to go fast to get it over with. He has a nurse with him. I lie back and they uncover my right breast. He wipes my areola off with alcohol 3 times. The nurse stands on my left and holds my hand. The doctor proceeds to give my first injection. I scream and start crying immediately. The pain is like having your breast set on fire. I almost expect him to be holding a book of matches instead of a needle. But I'm not crying just from the pain but also because I think to myself how much more shit are you going to put me through? How much more do I have to endure? The pain, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, baldhead..I cant take it anymore..and this pain now in my breast is unbearable. I keep crying..the doctor asks me if I want him to stop but I tell him no. I dont want this misery to linger any longer than it has to. He preps the next needle and injects me again..I'm trying hard to hold still because if I move they will have to do it again and I cant take an additional shot. The 2nd shot starts with the same pinching feeling and then the fire that seems to consume my entire areola. I just keep crying but I dont tell them to wait. I dont want to do this anymore..I dont want to go through anymore shit..why am I being made to suffer like this? The doctor gives me the 3rd and final shot and I lay back and cry more. The nurse pats my hand and the doctor covers my breast in a gauze pad and then closes my gown. He tells me to massage my breast to get the dye flowing to my lymph nodes. He leaves the room and returns with a box of tissues that he lays on my chest. He leaves and I take a few tissues and lie back crying while I massage my breast. I feel alone and unhappy. I hate what is happening to me. I keep massaging and I start praying to myself asking God to give me strength..asking him to have the surgery go well tomorrow. Asking that he heals my body. The tech returns and he sets up the machine to start taking pictures of my breast. He explains each step as he's doing it. They will adjust the camera 3 different ways to get 3 different angles of the dye path. I must lie perfectly still with my arms over my head while he does this. The whole process takes about 10 mins. After he is finished I get back dressed and leave the hospital. I am tired and all I want to do is go home and rest after this ordeal. I go to bed early that evening but wake up in the middle of the night to talk to him a little. He's busier tonight so I finally give up trying to hold a conversation with him and go back to sleep.

Tuesday April 5th 2011- Day 92

I have a long day ahead of me. Worse yet is the fact that they wont let me take any painkillers no matter what until after surgery. They warn me there is a risk of excessive bleeding during surgery if I do. So even though I'm having some back pain I have to suffer through it. My chair at my desk at work is horrible so I have to get up every few hours to try to keep my back from getting too painful. The judging is still going on at my office so while I cant lay down they do provide us with breakfast and lunch. I get a muffin for breakfast and half a sandwich for lunch. Bruce and I go to lunch again and we talk about work. He tells me about his last job..I tell him about my dream to go to school. He tells me I can get health insurance through my school. If not I can individual insurance through the state..he pays around $120 a month. Wait..you mean it's possible I can still go to school full-time? He tells me absolutely..just research it. It is the best news I've heard in a LONG time. Im so happy that it's possible that I wont have to give up my dream. That alone makes my whole day. I finish out the rest of my day at work and go home. I dont have any plans for that evening so I lay down and rest. I end up sleeping until 11 or so then I get up eat some dinner and take a shower and then go back to bed. I wake up around 2 am and talk to him until around 6 am.

Monday April 4th 2011- Day 91

This is going to be a short week for me..I have a pre surgery procedure on Wed and surgery on Thurs so I'm determined to work up til then. However the weather is making that difficult. This day is very warm..almost 80 degrees. After weeks of cold weather the warm weather is welcome but now my allergies are kicking in. My nose is running real bad and since I have no nose hair I cant stop it. Unfortunately my nose bleeds everytime it runs..another chemo side effect. I have daily nose bleeds sometimes several times a day. Now the stuffy runny nose is making me swallow lots of blood and mucus. I spend the day sick to my stomach. There is a judging going on in my office so I cant go to my usual spot and lay down during my lunch hour. I walk around during lunch and talk with my co-worker Bruce. We talk about work and relationships and about his weekend that he partially cant remember. I dont have any appetite to eat..my allergies are killing that and I'm so tired I cant function. I get off work and I go straight home and sleep. I get up later and eat a little bit and then take some sleep meds and go back to bed.

Sunday April 3rd- Day 90

90 days..3 mos..wasnt it just a few mos ago that I was healthy happy and ready to quit my job and go to school full-time? Now that seems like a lifetime ago. I sometimes look at pictures of me from a few months ago and I feel sad. I had long pretty shoulder length hair..I was slimming down..I thought I had a good man in my life. All of those things are gone. I'm stuck in this never ending nightmare. Today I am exhausted beyond belief. Maybe the emotional toll is taking its toll on me physically. I wake up at 10 am but fall back to sleep til noon. When I go to talk to Miguel he is tired since he's been up since 6 am and says he's going to take a nap. I leave his room and go back to sleep myself. I wake up again around 3:15 pm. I still havent eaten yet today but the sleep makes me feel good. I go across the street and get myself something to eat from the carryout. I eat and then lay down again. This time I stay awake though. I really just want to lay around all day. My body is worn out and I need all the rest I can get. I have alot on my mind..I am just days away from surgery. I am filled with a sense of worry. I find myself praying alot. I am very scared. I try not to be pessimistic and think positive. I pray the chemo that has made me suffer for so long has done its job and the surgery will go well. I try not to think about it alot..I distract myself with trying to help other people with their issues. 2 friends tell me their mothers are now facing cancer so I try to console them by telling them what I've gone through and that despite the diagnosis of cancer that they can survive and thrive through it but they need to stay strong and be positive. Helping them helps me feel better and distracts my mind from my own suffering. I dont like to think long about what I'm going through..it depresses me too much. It has been a rough 3 mos..the worst in my life. So trying to help others makes me feel better and distracts my brain from my own misery. Helping him job hunt by emailing, mailing and faxing his resume means I dont have to think about my own problems. His our trivial in comparison so helping him is easy and gives me something to focus on other than myself. I talk with folks trying to provide some counseling to help them through some emotional issues. Anything that helps keep my mind busy. Despite only being awake since 3:15 I go to bed for the night around midnight. I'm just too tired to try to stay awake longer.

Saturday April 2nd 2011- Day 89

My roommate rents a car this day. We have a few things to do but mainly we want to go to Firehouse Subs in Alexandria. Its a 1/2 hour commute each way but worth it for these subs. I'm regaining some of my normal sense of taste so I'm hoping I will enjoy it. My roommate has running around to do but I'm very tired and just want to rest. I stay in bed most of the day. Around 6 pm we go to VA & get our friend Jermaine and then go to Firehouse Subs to eat. We sit and have a long talk about our trip to NY to the NFL Draft at the end of the month. We are trying to work out all the details. Do we take Wed off or just leave after work? We are only going to the first round on Thurs so we plan to go up on Wed and get some running around done and plan on staying in line that night. We need to figure out what time to meet up, which bus will we catch and how long will we stay so Miguel and I can go to work on Fri. While we're talking and watching the end of the NCAA tourney I feel myself getting more and more tired. It bothers me that I get tired so easily so I try to tough it out and focus on working out these last details. Finally after 2 hours we leave, drop Jermaine off and run to the grocery store to get more juice and ice cream. We get home and I unpack the groceries and lay in bed watching tv til I get tired and turn the tv off and go to sleep.

Friday April 1st 2011- Day 88

April Fools Day..I feel like I'm being played for a fool everyday I live this misery. I have numbness in my fingertips now, another side effect of the chemo. They feel like they have been dipped in ice all day. It makes it hard to type because I cant really feel what my fingers are doing. I still have a weird taste in my mouth which makes everything taste disgusting. I get tired of eating..all I want to do is sleep. I feel a little better than yesterday but I'm still unhappy. I try to cheer myself up by putting on a real cute outfit with some cute boots. If I atleast look good on the outside maybe I can make myself feel better on the inside. The boots arent comfortable but they are fly and when I put them on with my outfit I do look good. I smile on the outside even though my heart is hurting. I get my co-worker to take pix of me and I post them on facebook and show them to a few friends. I get positive feedback which makes me feel good..despite feeling physicaly ill and depressed I still look good. It helps me to feel better about myself which I need right now. I try to keep myself from sinking into a deep depression by doing little things that make me feel good. I get off work and I decide to get my nails done. Something girlie to make me feel good and also to cover up the black crescent moons on my fingernails. While the nail tech is removing the polish from my toenails I notice the black rings are now on my toenails as well. I almost want to cry. I will now have to keep both my fingers and toes painted to keep from having to see them. The worst things become the more I pray for this misery to be over. I am no longer me..I am something I dont recognize. Life sucks for me right now. I am ready for the end. I eat a late dinner and go to bed early. No point on staying awake if I'm not going anywhere or doing anything.

Thursday March 31st 2011- Day 87

I wake up very nauseous and in alot of pain..it has been a rough exhausting week. No matter how much I sleep I feel like I cant get enough. I am slowly starting to lose my patience. I still cant keep food down so I avoid eating as much as I can. I dont know how much more I can take. My day at work goes by uneventful but on the way home I'm feeling pain and I am completely unhappy. I text him and he answers back with a short message. It doesnt console me at all. I'm feeling all the pain and illness wearing on me. I am emotionally drained. I start to cry on the train. I dont care who sees me. I just feel like I cant take it anymore. I get home and I lay in bed sobbing uncontrollably. How much more do I have to endure? Why me? What did I do to deserve this misery? Am I being punished for past indiscretions? I know I have family and friends supporting me but I feel so alone and miserable. This isnt fair. So many evil people in the world who have done unspeakably bad things to others. I have tried to live my life right be a good person with a good heart. Yet here I am facing the possibility of my own death. I'm not even 40..it's so fucked up. I want to wake up from this living nightmare but this is my life. Everything I ever dreamed of, wished for, hoped for is now something I may not live to see come true. Why am I being punished? I dont know how much more I can take. There was a time when I was younger when I tried to kill myself..now I'm scared of losing my life. It so depressing to think about. I feel like all my dreams are being crushed. I wanted to go away to school full-time but now I cant because I cant afford to not have insurance coverage. I have a terminal illness that I'll have for the rest of my life. I feel trapped. I hate my job but I cant leave it. I feel my dreams slipping away from me. I cry until I cant cry anymore. I dont even want to eat I just want to go to bed and sleep til my heart stops hurting.

Wednesday March 30 2011- Day 86

Its a slow day. I have no plans for the day..my mind is still racing and thinking of surgery next week. I'm still getting sick everyday. The weather has been rainy and cold and that always slows my treatment down. I get hungry but eating just leads me to get sick so I spend many days just drinking Glucerna and popping pain meds til I sleep. There is constant pain and nausea. I dont know how I drag myself out of bed each day and go to work but somehow I manage. Once I get home I crash and burn and sleep almost completely through the night. I'm tired all the time. I take naps at work even during my lunch hour. I truly hate what chemo is doing to me. I am worn out physically emotionally mentally and spiritually. I can only pray that my misery will end soon.

Tuesday March 29 2011- Day 85

Today I have another mammogram. This one is to check the progress of the tumor since our last check-up a month ago prior to my last 2 rounds of chemo. The appt is at 10:30 and I arrive a little early. I have my mammogram and then the nurses leave me sitting in a gown from the waist up for 1/2 hour til someone figures out that no one is checking on me. A nurse finally calls someone and I get dressed and go wait for the results. The radiologist brings me back to show me the latest mammogram. She shows me the original again with the large dark knot and the latest blurry splotch barely visible on the xray. She informs me that this is all that remains. Ok so now we know what we're working with. I leave radiology and walk over to the breast care center. I ask the nurse if she can tell me how soon after surgery can I have my port removed. She asks Dr McSwain who informs her that I can have it done after the pathology report comes back depending on the news. Ok fine..so at least 10 days after surgery. I'm at least happy to hear that. I leave the hospital and go to work. I do a half day and I get home exhausted. I fall asleep in my roommate's bed til he wakes me and then I get up eat and go back to sleep through the night.

Monday March 28 2011- Day 84

Today I have a follow-up appointment with the breast care doctor again. This one isnt til 1 pm but it's ok. I ask Miguel if he can take me but he cant so I catch the metro. Dr McSwain tells me that the surgery is next Thurs. That they plan to go in and remove the remaining tumor along with 2-5 of the lymph nodes from my right armpit. They will send these off for a pathology report which will take 10 days. After 10 days they will receive the results. At this time either the test will confirm that I am now cancer free and I am finished with treatment or if they did not get all of the tumor they will have to go back in to remove more tissue til they get a defined border of the tumor area. Also if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes they will have to go back in and remove all of the remaining lymph nodes in my right arm pit to keep it from spreading further. After which I will then have to receive daily 20 min radiation treatments for 6 straight weeks. The radiation will cause continued fatigue, continued inability to grow hair and will cause a severe burn on my right breast. I dread having to go through more pain and misery. I pray to God that surgery next week will end this 3 month suffering I have endured.

Sunday March 27 2011- Day 83

My roommate wakes me and asks me to come with him to his grandfather's house to say goodbye to the family who has come to town for his funeral. I agree and get dressed and go with him. His family that knows me are happy to see me and all hug me. They know what I've been going through so they are glad I'm ok. I'm tired and cant stand up for long but I enjoy being around his family especially the little children. We get back home and I have to lay back down. The meds only help a little but they keep me from being doubled over in pain or nausea. Sleep is my only welcome friend. We go to the grocery store and we get bread and juice but after a short walk around I need to lay down. I wait in the car while Miguel finishes up and then I'm ready to go home and sleep again. I just dont have energy at all. I sleep through most of the day. Tomorrow is another big day for me.

Saturday March 26 2011 Day 82

Today is my aunt's birthday. I get my cousin to give me her cellphone number so I can text her and wish her a happy birthday. After that I just wanna lay in bed. The back pain is kicking in and I'm so tired I cant imagine putting on clothes. My roommate leaves out to attend his funeral and I crawl back into bed and sleep. The day passes by with nothing happening. The nausea and fatigue are nearly unbearable. I manage to walk to the store to get some cereal but realize I dont want to risk drinking cow's milk so I put the cereal away and go back to sleep. Another day lost to chemo recovery.

Friday March 25 2011 Day 81

My booster shot is at 9 am so I dont have to get up quite as early but early enough. Today I decide to rock a baldhead with a bandana and my Fight Like A Girl tshirt and hat. I take a pic of it that everyone loves. Everyone in infusion and vitals like it too. I dont care really I'm ready to go. My nurse Pinky gives me my shot and Miguel and I roll out. We stop to get breakfast then we head over to Ritz Camera to ask about a poster he needs to have made. We finish up and he drops me off at home while he does some running around. He has a funeral to attend so his weekend is going to be busy and I'm too sick to even think about trying to run around with him. I sleep off and on all day. I bring my laptop in the room and try to work but cant get my energy level up or my brain to focus. I'm just glad the pain hasnt kicked in yet. Ugh. Life will be good when we get this over with.

Thursday March 24 2011- Day 80

Today is my cousin Lisa's birthday. I call her early but dont get a response so I just text her. I get dressed and eat and my dad comes to get me. We get to chemo a few minutes late but still end up waiting. Same vitals check then we go into the infusion room and take a spot on the far wall. I took some motrin pm along with some alteril and melatonin hoping that I'll sleep through most of this misery. I'm tired of it. They come and take blood out of my port and run some test. They come back and get started. I have the same nurse Kay as I did last time. I'm awake for the early part but the sleep meds kick in and I doze off and on coming in and out of conscious as they change drugs. I eat lunch but halfway through I lose my appetite and go back to sleep. Shortly after it's all over. My dad takes me home and I lay down and rest. My roommate gets home later and I try to talk to him a bit but I'm tired and want to just rest. I'm not feeling good..I'm extremely fatigued and feeling nauseous. I asks him if he'll still take me to my booster shot the next day. He says yes. I go to bed and sleep.

Wednesday March 23 2011- Day 79

Today is his birthday. I could text him and wish him a happy birthday but I'm going to make the point not to do it. I'm sure he'll get enough folks texting him and sending him notes he wont even notice he hasnt heard from me. Whatever. I have a day left til chemo and my mind needs to focus on that. It's going to be at 8:30 am tomorrow which is good so I wont have to be there all frickin day like last time. I hate going in later because I end up there so late. But getting there early means waking up so early. No way to win it. Either way this will be the last round..thank goodness.