Sunday May 8th 2011- Day 125

Today is Mother's Day and for me it is a heartbreaking gut wrenching day. I wake up around 8 am but realize I'm still tired so go back to sleep. I get up again around 10:30 am and go talk to Miguel. I'm so depressed & unhappy but I try hard to keep from crying. I miss my mom with all my heart & soul. On top of that he is acting funny again & I cant turn to him for the support I need on this day. Miguel & I watch a movie & I finally make myself eat some breakfast. It is now late afternoon & I just want to curl up in bed. Later Miguel asks me to leave his room so he can call his girlfriend. I go out and eat a little something and then lay on my bed. In the silence of my bed I feel the pain in my heart overwhelm me. I start sobbing uncontrollably. Someone once asked me when do you get over the loss of your mom. Never..not till the day you leave the planet. You learn to live with the loss and the pain subsides to become bearable but never do you just get over it. Days like today when everyone is celebrating their mom are the days I miss her the most. When I grieve the most for not having her by my side. He texts me & I return it but I'm angry with him for being distant again when I need him the most. He gets angry with my text & goes to end the conversation which I dont care about but I let him know what's going on with me. He apologizes but still ends the conversation which is fine by me because I really dont want to talk to him or anyone else. I hop in the shower and cry until I realize even the shower isnt going to help. I get dressed & go back to lay on my bed again. My roommate comes out the room & sees me crying on my bed and tries to console me. It doesnt work. I pull out my laptop and I begin to look for my mom. I dont know where she's buried..I want to find her. I look online and find her last known address and begin an online search of the cemeteries around the area. I dont find her. Meanwhile my brother calls me as he's looking for my step-mother's grave. He's in the cemetary but cant find the exact spot. I try to help him from memory but I havent been to her grave since she passed. I tell him to call my dad or my sister but he says neither are answering. I cant think of the exact spot but try to describe it. He hangs up and I focus my attention back to my search. I give up & close my laptop & lay down. I want to take a nap but I know I won't fall asleep. I get up and cook some food and eat a little dinner before lying in bed & watching tv. I get up later & take some sleep meds so I can fall asleep early. He text me late & ask me if I'm feeling better but I'm not & the way he's acting lately isnt helping. I tell him so & he stops texting so I fall asleep.