Tuesday March 29 2011- Day 85

Today I have another mammogram. This one is to check the progress of the tumor since our last check-up a month ago prior to my last 2 rounds of chemo. The appt is at 10:30 and I arrive a little early. I have my mammogram and then the nurses leave me sitting in a gown from the waist up for 1/2 hour til someone figures out that no one is checking on me. A nurse finally calls someone and I get dressed and go wait for the results. The radiologist brings me back to show me the latest mammogram. She shows me the original again with the large dark knot and the latest blurry splotch barely visible on the xray. She informs me that this is all that remains. Ok so now we know what we're working with. I leave radiology and walk over to the breast care center. I ask the nurse if she can tell me how soon after surgery can I have my port removed. She asks Dr McSwain who informs her that I can have it done after the pathology report comes back depending on the news. Ok fine..so at least 10 days after surgery. I'm at least happy to hear that. I leave the hospital and go to work. I do a half day and I get home exhausted. I fall asleep in my roommate's bed til he wakes me and then I get up eat and go back to sleep through the night.

Monday March 28 2011- Day 84

Today I have a follow-up appointment with the breast care doctor again. This one isnt til 1 pm but it's ok. I ask Miguel if he can take me but he cant so I catch the metro. Dr McSwain tells me that the surgery is next Thurs. That they plan to go in and remove the remaining tumor along with 2-5 of the lymph nodes from my right armpit. They will send these off for a pathology report which will take 10 days. After 10 days they will receive the results. At this time either the test will confirm that I am now cancer free and I am finished with treatment or if they did not get all of the tumor they will have to go back in to remove more tissue til they get a defined border of the tumor area. Also if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes they will have to go back in and remove all of the remaining lymph nodes in my right arm pit to keep it from spreading further. After which I will then have to receive daily 20 min radiation treatments for 6 straight weeks. The radiation will cause continued fatigue, continued inability to grow hair and will cause a severe burn on my right breast. I dread having to go through more pain and misery. I pray to God that surgery next week will end this 3 month suffering I have endured.

Sunday March 27 2011- Day 83

My roommate wakes me and asks me to come with him to his grandfather's house to say goodbye to the family who has come to town for his funeral. I agree and get dressed and go with him. His family that knows me are happy to see me and all hug me. They know what I've been going through so they are glad I'm ok. I'm tired and cant stand up for long but I enjoy being around his family especially the little children. We get back home and I have to lay back down. The meds only help a little but they keep me from being doubled over in pain or nausea. Sleep is my only welcome friend. We go to the grocery store and we get bread and juice but after a short walk around I need to lay down. I wait in the car while Miguel finishes up and then I'm ready to go home and sleep again. I just dont have energy at all. I sleep through most of the day. Tomorrow is another big day for me.

Saturday March 26 2011 Day 82

Today is my aunt's birthday. I get my cousin to give me her cellphone number so I can text her and wish her a happy birthday. After that I just wanna lay in bed. The back pain is kicking in and I'm so tired I cant imagine putting on clothes. My roommate leaves out to attend his funeral and I crawl back into bed and sleep. The day passes by with nothing happening. The nausea and fatigue are nearly unbearable. I manage to walk to the store to get some cereal but realize I dont want to risk drinking cow's milk so I put the cereal away and go back to sleep. Another day lost to chemo recovery.

Friday March 25 2011 Day 81

My booster shot is at 9 am so I dont have to get up quite as early but early enough. Today I decide to rock a baldhead with a bandana and my Fight Like A Girl tshirt and hat. I take a pic of it that everyone loves. Everyone in infusion and vitals like it too. I dont care really I'm ready to go. My nurse Pinky gives me my shot and Miguel and I roll out. We stop to get breakfast then we head over to Ritz Camera to ask about a poster he needs to have made. We finish up and he drops me off at home while he does some running around. He has a funeral to attend so his weekend is going to be busy and I'm too sick to even think about trying to run around with him. I sleep off and on all day. I bring my laptop in the room and try to work but cant get my energy level up or my brain to focus. I'm just glad the pain hasnt kicked in yet. Ugh. Life will be good when we get this over with.

Thursday March 24 2011- Day 80

Today is my cousin Lisa's birthday. I call her early but dont get a response so I just text her. I get dressed and eat and my dad comes to get me. We get to chemo a few minutes late but still end up waiting. Same vitals check then we go into the infusion room and take a spot on the far wall. I took some motrin pm along with some alteril and melatonin hoping that I'll sleep through most of this misery. I'm tired of it. They come and take blood out of my port and run some test. They come back and get started. I have the same nurse Kay as I did last time. I'm awake for the early part but the sleep meds kick in and I doze off and on coming in and out of conscious as they change drugs. I eat lunch but halfway through I lose my appetite and go back to sleep. Shortly after it's all over. My dad takes me home and I lay down and rest. My roommate gets home later and I try to talk to him a bit but I'm tired and want to just rest. I'm not feeling good..I'm extremely fatigued and feeling nauseous. I asks him if he'll still take me to my booster shot the next day. He says yes. I go to bed and sleep.

Wednesday March 23 2011- Day 79

Today is his birthday. I could text him and wish him a happy birthday but I'm going to make the point not to do it. I'm sure he'll get enough folks texting him and sending him notes he wont even notice he hasnt heard from me. Whatever. I have a day left til chemo and my mind needs to focus on that. It's going to be at 8:30 am tomorrow which is good so I wont have to be there all frickin day like last time. I hate going in later because I end up there so late. But getting there early means waking up so early. No way to win it. Either way this will be the last round..thank goodness.

Tuesday March 22 2011- Day 78

It is another week of counting down til chemo. I hate it. Nothing special about this day. I do a good workout which I know I wont get to have next week but at least I get it in and feel good. I have an uneventful evening and go to bed relatively early. I wake up and talk to him a little but mostly I sleep. I'm no longer focused on day to day just getting to the end.

Monday March 21 2011- Day 77

Im a little tired today..it was a long exhausting but fun filled weekend. The day goes by slow. Bruce comes in the office but they send him home so I'm not going to have coverage on the desk once Lucille leaves. Ugh. Oh well..gotta make do. My workout gets screwed up when I leave my sports bra back in the office and I have to run all the way back to get it so instead of 30 mins I only get 20 mins. Good enough I guess even though I wanted to do 30 for the 3 days I have left this week. I think about him all day but I dont text or call him till he text me around 4 pm asking for photos. I want to ignore him but I text him back and send him some photos. I asks him to text me later but he doesnt. I dont hear from him again the rest of the night even after I send him more photos late that night. I eat left over seafood from Red Lobster when I get home from work and try as I might to fall asleep I dont finally get rest until after 12:40 am and keep waking up every few hours hoping he would text since normally this is a night I would hear from him. When I dont I roll over and try hard to fall back to sleep. These are the kind of nights I hate.

Sunday March 20 2011- Day 76

Today is my birthday!! Yay!! God willing I will have atleast 50 more of these. I wake up early as usual and lay in bed playing on my laptop before I scoop up Tigger, Pooh and Eeyore and the laptop and head into my roommate's room to talk with him. Jermaine calls and asks what time will we be ready for breakfast. Miguel tells him whenever he gets there. He hangs up and I get ready. By the time I'm finished Jermaine still hasnt arrived so I relax on the bed and update my blog. By 10:30 I'm starving so Miguel calls Jermaine who tells him he's on the way now. He arrives and Miguel, Jermaine, his girlfriend Rah and I go to breakfast. Through breakfasta we talk about the NFL Draft and the Hall of Fame Enshrinement. We're pissed off because the draftees are talking about not attending the draft so now our whole trip may have to be cancelled. Ugh..how annoying. We finish breakfast and Jermaine and Rah drop Miguel and I back off at home. I take a short nap and then get back up and chill the rest of the afternoon. I text my friend Stacy about going to dinner. I know if I dont ask her about going out she'll be disappointed when I see her the next day. She says sure and she'll hit me later when she gets off. At 7:40 that evening she arrives and we go to dinner at Red Lobster. Ok so it was the 2nd day in a row I had Red Lobster but so what I love seafood so it doesnt matter. We have a great meal with great drinks and our waiter is absolutely fabulous and so fine!! He sings happy birthday to me in a beautiful voice and I get into a whole conversation with him. I wish I had gotten his number but alas it was not to be. It was atleast fun to flirt and get attention from a super cute guy. I could tell you all about him, but no need since I doubt I'll ever see him again. I like Red Lobster but not enough to go there all the time. C'est la vie. Stacy and I finish our meal and she drops me off at home. I talk with Miguel for awhile while watching tv til I start to doze off. I get up and lay in my bed then finally get up and take my shower and go back to bed and fall asleep. What a great birthday weekend!

Saturday March 19 2011- Day 75

I wake up early as usual. I go to talk to my roommate and fall back to sleep in mid conversation. I wake up after 10 to 2 text messages that I return. My roommate gets ready and leaves for a police test. I chill that afternoon resting and watching tv. I dont have any plans for the day. I get up and eat breakfast and lay around. Later I eat lunch and chill on the computer. Later that evening my sister-in-law calls me and tells me she's on the way to come get me to take me to dinner. As I'm getting ready my roommate comes in the door. We talk as I'm getting ready. As I'm finishing up my sister-in-law calls and lets me know she's out front. I rush to try to finish up as my roommate's phone rings. His mom asks to talk to me and I take the phone. She asks if I'm getting ready to leave and I tell her yes. She asks me to hang out for a minute because she needs to give my roommate some bad news. I tell her ok and I hand the phone back to him. She lets him know and my roommate immediately jumps back up and heads out. I finish getting ready and head out right behind him. I rush back in and grab the bag full of clothes I bought for Tati. We drive to Red Lobster and when we arrive my family jumps up from the table. About 15 of them have decided to surprise me with a birthday dinner. I'm happy to see 2 of my aunts my dad and a bunch of my cousins even my cousin Lonnie and her husband David who come up from NC to see me. We have a great dinner and I get a bunch of cool gifts. It is a wondeful birthday and we share lots of laughs and jokes. As I'm holding Tati, Carla asks me to be her godmother. I start to cry and tell her yes. She gives me a ring with Tati's initials in it as my gift from her. I am so happy even though they embarass me by singing happy birthday to me. Ugh. Short of that it has to be the best birthday I have ever had. God bless me to have 60 more of these. I get home and eat some of my cake and a little ice cream and go to bed.

Friday March 18, 2011- Day 74

It's a slow day at work. Part of the staff is out so it's going to be quiet thankfully. The intern Bruce is in though so I will get to take a break. The day goes by slowly. I go to the gym and workout and do a full 30 mins which I'm very happy about. On my way back Bruce informs me that they are sending him home because he still has pink eye. So much for a break. I finish out my day and head home. I'm waiting on my roommate to get home so we can go to Firehouse Subs for my birthday dinner. I lay in bed and doze off waiting for him and at 7:30 when I havent heard from him I text him. He finally hits me back at 8:45 to let me know he's on the way. When I text my friend Jermaine he tells me that he has already gone to dinner since he didnt he from Miguel by 7:30. I tell him that's fine let's go to dinner on Sunday since I dont have any plans. He says ok. Miguel finally shows up around 9:30 and we head down to Firehouse Subs. We get lost on the way so dont get there til almost 10:30. We get our subs and head back home. We stop so I can get some ice cream. We get it and get home and eat the subs. I eat my ice cream and shortly after I go to bed.

Thursday March 17 2011- Day 73

St. Patrick's Day. My roommate asks me how come I dont have any green. Ugh...never been my color but being half Irish I know I should wear some. I stop at the CVS before I get to the office and buy a green bow which I tie around my left wrist. Ok good enough. I decide to get Tati an Easter dress. I text my sister in law and we talk about it. I send her pix of the dresses I find. I pick 1 but the place ends up being out of stock on it. I find another 1 and order it. It's a beatiful lilac dress that I cant wait to see her in. Everyday Tati looks more and more like me and it makes me smile. Lunch time I get a 26 1/2 minute workout in. Cool..I might do the whole 30 mins tomorrow. I get a strand of green beads from the gym that I wear the rest of the day. I get home and decide to cook dinner again. This time I bake chicken instead of salmon and make macaroni and cheese and collard greens. The food is great but the combination of the food and the workout leave me exhausted so I pass out sleep and wake up a couple of hours later. I go online to walmart and order Tati 4 more dresses. So along with the Easter dress she has 5 new dresses along with the 7 I already have for her. I think she's set for the spring. I get up and take my shower and go back to bed. I hope to hear from him but as usual I dont so I sleep a restless broken sleep through the night.

Wednesday March 16 2011- Day 72

Another boring workday but I do get an even better workout in..I manage to get 23 mins in. I'm trying hard to build up my time. I wish I didnt have to start over after each treatment but oh well. It's almost over and I cant wait to get back to training. This cold is annoying the hell out of me. The lack of nose hair means my nose constantly runs and I have a dry cough this is beyond irritating. I found out from my sister-in-law that my brother is sick too. I'm hoping it's nothing serious. I still want to see his family this weekend for my birthday. Spending time with Tati is the 1 thing I want the most. I dont care about anything else. If I go out that's cool, but if not just getting to spend time with her is enough. Tati, Robbie, Osiris, Mady and LeaLea are the babies I love the most and that make me smile everytime I get new photos of them. I get home that night from work and decide to cook dinner. No offense to the makers of Cup O Noodles but it's only so much of that crap you can eat. In the middle of cooking dinner he calls me. At first I want to ignore it but I want to hear his voice. We talk..small talk..nothing major. After a few minutes he gets off the phone. I'm hoping I will hear from him again that night but I dont. I hate that I still want him. I hate that I miss the sound of his voice or that despite it all I still want to see him. I eat dinner and I lay down early. The combination of a good meal and a good workout leaves me tired so I sleep broken but good through the night.

Tuesday March 15 2011- Day 71

Cant say that this is an eventful day. I feel better so I go into work. I have a good workout at lunch time..manage to do a full 20 mins without getting tired. I have a normal dinner that night..well ok I eat my usual cup o noodles and drink juice but I'm able to eat and keep it down which is always a plus for me. The State of Maryland has refunded the overpayment of my taxes they received and today is payday so I have a nice amount of $ in my account. I use it to replace a necklace I broke and buy a pair of hoop earrings. There isnt alot I want. My birthday is 5 days away but my mind is more focused on getting to my final chemo treatment. 9 more days until that happens. I miss someone very much..I try not to talk to them but breakdown when he keeps texting me and sends me a note on facebook. I wish I could get over him but I know he'll never allow that to happen. I wish he would grow the hell up and be the man I need but I know he wont do that either. The heart wants what the heart wants and I wish it didnt want him but it does. My life is too complicated right now for this.

Monday March 14 2011- Day 70

Today is my sister's 40th bday. So first thing I do is text her and tell her happy birthday. I tease her a little about her age and then I have a conversation with my cousin about religion and spirituality that lasts about 20 mins. Our views are similar but varied. I dont always like to talk about my spirituality because many people disagree with my views but it is something that is very central to my life. Many think that spiritualist are closer to agnostic or atheist. This is false. If anything we are closer to a non denomenational believer in a higher power. I feel connection to buddhism, taoism and even some hinduism with the study of the seven major chakras as well as some Christianity. For many combining so many varied beliefs is blasphemous but I'm allowed to believe what I choose so long as it connects me to my high power that I choose to call God. If you ask me to explain my beliefs I will do my best to try to make you understand, but most likely you will be confused. Suffice it that I am deeply spiritual and have a strong faith.

I feel better than I did yesterday but I figure I better allow myself to rest so I dont make myself worse. Staying home is my opportunity to lay in bed and nap and talking on the phone and texting. The rest was good. I found out my co-worker did have my keys which is good so I can get them back the next day. The rest does me well. I go to bed early that evening ready to get back to work the next day.

Sunday March 13 2011- Day 69

I wake up feeling out of sorts. Dizzy, lightheaded, nauseous, very very tired. My head is stuffy and my nose is running. Ugh. Am I coming down with a cold? Not now..please not now. I have been lucky up til this point to avoid getting sick but I can tell already I'm coming down with a cold. At first Im at a loss as to where or how but then I remember 1 of my co-workers had a nasty cold the other day and was all over my desk and handing me things all day. I'm convinced she has spread her germs to me. The problem is while going through chemo I have no immune system to fight infection so it takes me forever to get rid of illness. Today is not going to be a good day at all. All I do is sleep all day. I finally manage to get up and eat something but I immediately crawl back into bed and fall back to sleep. I have no energy and my stuffy nose is driving me crazy. The congestion is making me feel sick to my stomach and I dont want to eat. I eat 1 meal all day the rest of the time I just lay in bed miserable. Ugh..all I need now is something else to deal with.

Saturday March 12 2011- Day 68

Saturday I wake up early as I do everyday. I never sleep past 6:45 no matter the day of the week nor how late I went to bed. I get up and go talk with my roommate and then we both take naps til around 10. He asks me what time I plan to hook up with my friend. I tell him I'm not sure. I text her and she tells me she'll be free sometime that afternoon. In the meantime he and I put in a Zipcar reservation and go pick it up at Addison Road metro station and then head to Forestville Mall. He gets his son some shoes and I pick up a few outfits for my niece from Target. We head downtown and go eat some Fuddruckers which is so good and then he drops me off back home before he heads off. I go and get my nails done and pack up a bag so I can go visit my friend from NJ. All this stuff takes way longer than I plan so I dont get to her til sometime after 6. She and I plan to shoot for a couple of her websites so I've thrown a bunch of stuff in a bag to shoot in. When I get there a bunch of folks are there and I watch her do a shoot for 1 of her other sites. By the time she finishes and everyone clears out its now late so she and I just do a couple of quick shoots for 3 of her sites and then we wrap up for the night. It is now past midnight and I need to get home. I call my roommate to make sure he's home. After an hour he finally answers and tells me to call him when I get to the apt. It takes more than an hour to get a cab but I finally get one and get home after 3 am because of the time change. I unpack my bag and go to bed immediately.

Friday March 11 2011- Day 67

So glad this damn week is over. I swear the week when chemo is on Thurs and Fri and I'm off on Mon recovering is so much easier than doing a full week. This week has been so exhausting both emotionally and physically. Today no matter how much my heart hurts I'm determined not to let it get the best of me. It's not easy though. I decide to make myself look real cute so at least if I look good physically I could make myself feel better that way. I put on a new outfit and I get my co-worker to trim up my wig nice so that when I stand in the mirror I look really cute. I try to use how I look as a way to boost my spirit. It works a little. I snap a couple of photos and post them on my facebook page. I'm doing this partially because I want someone to see them and want them to know despite the fact that they let me down I'm going to be ok. A friend of mine from Cali is in town so I text her about coming past to see her after I get off work and she says sure. I get off work and 1 of my co-workers has taken my keys home with them so now unfortunately I'm locked out and going straight home isnt even an option. I text my friend and she doesnt answer so I head home and decide I'll just go get my nails done instead. Before I get all the way home though my friend calls and I jump in a cab and go visit her at her hotel. She and I go to dinner and hang out and then I head home around 10. I get home and tell my roommate about my co-worker having my key and that I'll have to spend all weekend trying to work around his schedule. Ugh. He doesnt have a lot of plans but fortunately he just found out he got approved for Zipcar so renting a car over the weekend is an option. Cool. I have a friend coming to town from NJ the next day so I know I plan to spend part of the day with her. The Jamaican food I ate with my Cali friend makes me very sick so I spend part of the night up ill. Sigh. I look forward to the days of being able to eat normal again.

Thursday March 10 2011- Day 66

There is flash flood warnings today. The weather is nasty all day. I havent found any definitive articles that say bad weather has an effect on chemotherapy recovery but the lack of sunshine and damp rainy weather sink deep into my bones and joints and leave me in pain. There is nausea and dizzyness and I'm extremely fatigued all day. Twice during the day at work I need to lay down just to pull it together to get through the day. By the end of the day I am struggling. Im trying to decide if I want to catch a cab but in the rain I know the commute isnt going to be any better than if I just catch the subway so I just stick it out and go home. I am dizzy on the whole train ride..I can barely get my eyes to focus as I try to walk to my bus stop. I get home and barely get undressed and in the bed. I am shivering with chills and hurting all over. I am nauseous and very tired. My roommate gets home and try as I might I cannot get up the energy or strength to move. I have no appetite. I cant eat and I am sick to my stomach and sore. I need to eat so I can take some pain and nausea med but I cant manage to sit up for long without getting sick or dizzy. I crawl back in bed and lay there in excrutiating pain and nausea. My roommate is trying to tell me to shower and get ready for bed but I cant imagine trying to stand under the running weather cuz standing up for long makes me violently ill. I go back to bed and he finally comes out his room to turn the fan on and turn my light off because I havent moved to do either. For once my phone is turned off. I normally leave it turned on but now I dont even want to think about it ringing & disturbing me. I doubt that it will. Anyone who normally would call late wont anymore. Suffice it at that.

The sickness is unbearable. It is 2 am before I get it together enough to get up and drink down a glucosamine and swallow a handful of pills. It puts me into a numb sleep that I awaken from a few hour later. I am fatigued but at least the worse of the nausea dizzyness and pain have subsided.

Days like this make life almost unbearable. I cant function like a normal person and it hurts my heart. I hate being sick all the time. I hate looking like a freak. I hate not being myself. I hate that people I love shun me because of it. Night fills me with dreams. In my dreams I am still myself nothing has changed. I awaken to this living nightmare everyday. I wish that this nightmare was a dream instead of the other way around. I awaken to the baldhead the illness the scars that never heal and deepening loneliness. Reality is worse than any nightmare I could ever have possibly imagined.

Wednesday March 9 2011- Day 65

I'm learning the depths of human cruelty. How far some will go to avoid facing my illness. Dont get me wrong I have so much family, friends, co-workers, admirers, supporters that have stood by me through this that it amazes me sometimes, but some of those that have turned their back and walked away leaves me breathless and heartsick. I feel myself slowly pulling away from people. I dont want it to happen but the wall I'm building between myself and others keeps me from being hurt. It is a wall I spent more than a decade trying to tear down. I wanted to learn to be more open and loving to allow myself to love without fear. But doing so has left me disillusioned and disappointed and unspeakably heartbroken. Dont you love me? Did you ever love me? The empty silence gives me the answer I already know. I pass between angry and a hopeless despair. I know the sadness isnt helping me heal. I have to stay upbeat and optimistic through this in order for my positive energy to flow through me. But with what has been happening lately I find it hard so many days. I dont want to go back to being the private reclusive painfully shy closed off person I was for so long, but reaching out and getting my heart broke hurts too much and right now I cant afford anything that takes away from my body's ability to heal. I try to smile each day even when there is no smile inside me. When I hear about Newt Gingrich or John Edwards who cheated on their wives while they were battling cancer I think to myself damn how could someone that claims they love someone so much do that to the person they claim they love? The inability to lack human decency and compassion. The inability to love even in the face of despair. Love isnt just loving someone on the good and happy days but even on the sad and hard and hurtful days. It is looking beyond yourself and your own selfish needs and saying damn this person really needs me now I should be there. I dont know..maybe I'm rambling. Maybe I dont know how to feel because feeling means feeling sorrow. Im trying to get back to that place of numbness where I dont feel anything at all. Numb is good.

I understand why so many sink into a depression during this period. It is a very public battle and yet a very private sad one that you cannot begin to explain to others. Like even when you know you have support you are still alone to fight this. When those you love leave you to battle it on your own it is even more of a reminder of just how alone you really are.

Tuesday March 8 2011- Day 64

My back is hurting more than the day before and I'm very sick to my stomach again. I slept ok but not great and I'm a little more fatigued than usual but during chemo week I'm used to it. I mean that's the biggest side effect they warn you about. Fatigue. Tired..always tired. It is a struggle most days to find any energy at all. It doesnt help at all that I suffer severe bouts of insomnia and my little brain is in overdrive now counting down the days till I finish chemo and surgery. I'm ready for the draft at the end of April. I have friends I've promised to visit all over. TN, CA, FL, NJ, CT..I cant wait to start traveling. Start school again. Move on from this pitstop in my journey of life. It feels like a roadblock..a stepping stone I must overcome in order to move on. In my mind I'm moving on. Now that I have all my final dates my brain is racing. The problem is it seems to race the most when I'm trying desperately to get some sleep. The mix of fatigue and insomnia is unbearable but I do my best each day to get through it. I sleep in small catnaps of an hour or so when I can. It's annoying but I manage. Thinking of all the places I want to travel. Thinking of how soon will I have my hair..how long does it take to grow back from completely bald? I've never had to do it so I have no clue. How do I wanna dress? I wanna start training with 1 of the trainers in my gym in May. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life. I guess I better finish this one first before I jump to the end of the book. Ugh..patience has never been my strong suit but with this journey I guess it's 1 I have to learn. So as I lay in bed at 1 am I finally decide to pop some motrin pm, some alteril and some melatonin which do absolutely nothing to help me fall asleep. I'm wide awake just laying there hoping to doze off. I nap til almost 3 shower and go back to bed. My stomach is upset all night so I'm also up in the bathroom sick which makes rest impossible. I dont turn the tv on since there is never anything on at this hour and I dont turn the computer on I just lay in the quiet cool dark hoping that something will put me to sleep. I eat a bagel. Doesnt help. Oh well. Another long night of insomnia for me.

Monday March 7 2011- Day 63

I wake up after nearly a full day of sleeping off and on all day feeling better. Not 100% mind you..that's days away yet. But I feel better enough that I can function on some level. I decide to go to work. Since my days were thrown off by having chemo on Wed instead of Thurs I've already had my usual 3 days off so best if I just go in and make it a full week. I get dressed and go to work. All hell breaks lose when I arrive cuz my phone coverage had fallen apart while I was out and everyone is upset. Ugh..I wasnt here and I cant plan for every frickin emergency but hey whatever. If I'm worried about my job security stupidness like this ensures that it's not an issue. I have an ok morning..lunch time comes and I hafta take a nap cuz my body is still very fatigued. I doze for a little while get up eat some cup o noodles and finish out my day. I have a weird crazing for ice cream when I get home which I eat and makes me sick as a dog that night so I hafta try to curtail these strange cravings as much as I can during chemo week since they're gonna make me sick anyway. I doze off and wake up to watch my favorite show before downing a bunch of sleep meds (alteril, motrin pm, melatonin) trying to get a grasp of that elusive monster sleep. Takes over an hour or so before I finally fall out. But I'm back up at 3 am wide awake. Ugh. Damnit.

Sunday March 6 2011- Day 62

Sunday is a horrible weather day. It is rainy and miserable all day. The terrible weather seems to make for a torturous recovery day. I am in pain sick nauseous feverish all day. Pain pills, cookies, nausea meds, nothing helps. I am miserable sore sad sick suffering all day. Everyone asks me if I'm going to go to work the next day. I cant imagine being able to get off the bed the next minute let alone what the hell I'm going to do the next day. I cook dinner but after I eat I dont feel better. I keep popping meds til I can barely fall into a broken sleep. Damn this chemo bs!

Saturday March 5 2011- Day 61

Weekends are always uneventful and weekends after chemo are even more so since I'm limited on what I can do and how I feel. Satuday is an ok day. Im bed ridden but I can at least get up eat move around and chill. I have a new laptop I need to set up but I havent had the energy to do it which frustrates me. Soon soon. I dont go anywhere that day I mainly just watch my roommate play on his computer working with the photos and video from the shoot and napping off and on all day.

Friday March 4 2011- Day 60

Damn it's already been 2 mos now. I cant imagine having ever had to face this battle at all and now I'm 2 months in it. I wake up with back pain as usual. I am low on my cookies and brownies. Miguel and I have scheduled a shoot tonight. Actually we scheduled it for Wed but the model ended up being busy which because I was so sick this past time was best for me anyway. No way I couldve gotten through a shoot that night. So I know I hafta rest as much as possible so I can get through a shoot that evening. I sleep til around 5 pm and get up and head down to the hotel. Miguel and I go up and do a quick shoot with the model who I talk to about my cancer and my treatment. She is amazed at my spirit. I share some cookies and brownies with her which she appreciates. I am glad we get the shoot done but I know as soon as I get home I'm going to collapse in the bed. I am tired and I need to rest so bad. I pop a brownie eat a little and fall to a semi restful sleep.

Thursday March 3 2011- Day 59

Today is an early day since all we have is the shot. The chemo has me extra tired as well as the lack of sleep. Stupid insomnia and chemo dont mix. Fortunately it's just the shot and I can come back and rest all day. Sucks that it's a Thurs instead of a Fri but whatever. We get there early and checked in but when I try to schedule my appt they still havent found my paperwork. WTH? Ugh. They check my vitals and bring me back to get my shot. I wait about 5 mins and get the shot. I tell them I need paperwork so I can get my next appt scheduled. They finally scribble down some new paperwork and hand them to me. I go back to the scheduler and book my next round of chemo. March 24th chemo, March 25th my shot. While I'm waiting my breast care doctor calls to schedule me for a follow up appt on the 28th and then presurgery and surgery on the 6th and 7th of April. She tells me to swing past on my way out so I can pick up the paperwork I need to go over. Ok fine whatever. We finish up and head down and grab the paper and leave. I'm definitely going home and going back to sleep after all this. There is nothing for me to do this day so I rest off and on all day.

Wednesday March 2 2011- Day 58

It's not our usual early start so I can sleep in today instead of jumping out the bed all early to get ready for chemo. I eat a good breakfast shower dress slow and wait on my dad. He arrives and we talk on our way to chemo. Nothing specific..I just love chatting with him. We get checked in and they check my vitals and we take our seat by the far window for chemo. They draw blood and leave me for 10 mins to run a check. They come back and give me the all clear and start my transfusion. Saline first to run through the whole procedure, then 2 anti-nausea then the actual chemo drugs. The nurse today does my push first which confuses me but she explains that by doing the adriamycin first instead of the taxol helps with the toxicity of the taxol hoping to keep the nausea to a minimum. So she says..it doesnt seem to help. Regardless I still get the same sickening knot in my stomach that I've gotten used to. My dad gets me to eat so I manage to eat a tuna fish sandwich and some soup and a cookie before I start to feel sleepy. I had taken some motrin pm hoping I would sleep through at least part of my chemo today. Apparently adrenaline decided against that til nearway through. My dad is getting sleepy too though so I dont feel bad. I can tell he wants to doze off. Chemo is hard on my dad. I catch him looking at me sometimes and I can see sadness in his eyes on the verge of tears. He feels the need to fill the silence with words. I look at him sometimes wishing he wouldnt..that he would just let it be silent but I know why he does it so I keep talking til I can barely keep my eyes open. We both doze off at the very end of chemo. I let him sleep for about 25 mins til I get tired of sitting there and I wake him so we can leave. I go to make my appt for next session but the scheduler doesnt have my paperwork so they cant schedule my next session. They say dont worry wait til tomorrow morning when I get back. Ok whatever. We leave and I go home. I am feeling so feverish and nauseous I can barely get undressed and in the bed before the flu like symptoms overtake me. It's going to be another ugly rough night.

Tuesday March 1 2011- Day 57

I have 1 more day left in this short week for me. I should be happy but I'm not. I mean it's 1 thing to recover the weekend as opposed to midweek. It's not an eventful day by any stretch of the imagination. I do a few things in the office workout and go home. I havent been sleeping well and nothing seems to be able to effect that. It could be the stress or the nerves or just my constant bouts of insomnia catching up with me. Chemo seems to make this problem even worse. I sleep in short naps about an hour or so apiece. They are annoying but it's about the best I get now. By 3 am I give up trying to take anything to put me to sleep cuz I dont want to over sleep for work. It usually means laying in the quiet dark til I finally drop back off for another short nap. Cant say I'm enjoying where this journey is taking me. There are experiences common between ever cancer patient and there are things unique to each individual. Some of my weird sensations, moods, nauseas, etc are specific just to me. The doctor just shrugs when I tell them and have no explanation telling me that they expect most of what I'm experiencing will fade with time after chemo is finished. I sure hope so. I would like my palate to return to normal. I'd like my dry skin or nails to return to normal. Id like to have hair again. Id like to be able to have normal sensations on my tongue or even remember what it was like to kiss or be held or make love to someone. Ahh yes..chemo hasnt killed my desire for intimacy just my opportunities. I'm not looking to jump on the first thing coming my way but just the intimacy the closeness the feel..there are times I miss it..I ache for it. I need to be held to be cuddled and made to feel safe warm and protected. To have someone fold me in their arms and tell me they love me and it's all gonna be ok..they will always be here for me never fear til I fall asleep in their arms. It is that longing I cannot explain to people. The part of me chemo has left me with and yet robbed me of at the same time.

Monday February 28 2011- Day 56

I'm back at work but I'm morbid and depressed. I know I hafta go through more of this chemo bs and I'm not looking forward to it. I call to try to pay the dr bill but cant get through to anyone. I call oncology finally and after sitting on hold forever am told that I cant have my usual Thurs appt that I will hafta come in on Wed for chemo at 12 noon. Ugh..not only am I off by a day but I hafta come in later which means being there later. I hate being there late. As it wraps up it gets quieter and quieter til the stillness and beeping is all you can hear. But they tell me there are no more days open with that 4 1/2 hour slot I need for my infusion. Ugh. I agree to the day and hang up. Crap..forgot about my shot. I call back and get a different nurse. She tells me I can come in at 8:30 am for my neulasta shot. Ok so I can come for the shot but not my transfusion on Thurs. Well the shot takes less than a min where infusion is hours. Blah..whatever. I get my shot scheduled and I email my job and give them the dates and times for this week of chemo. It means I'll only have a 2 day work week this week and a full week next week which sucks but oh well I guess. I text my dad and let him know. He's kinda blown too but we have no choice in this. We both are ready to get this all over with. My job doesnt complain they just have me make up a schedule for desk coverage and that's it. I do a good 30 min workout that day which I'm happy about. I love to feel normal on the few days that I get to feel them right now. Working out is 1 of those ways. Working out is a thing alot of people dread but I love it. I love how it makes me feel..energized and reinvigorated like I could take on anything at all even this cancer battle. Crazy right? I go home that evening and I'm tired so try as I might I dont stay awake long and fall asleep early.

Sunday February 27 2011- Day 55

I realize I dont have any milk or cereal in the house so I get dressed and my roommate runs me across the street to the corner store before he goes to visit his mom again. I eat some cereal and lay down and watch the combine. I am still looking forward to the draft in April. I am determined to go so I am watching players in the combine. Today is running backs, wide receivers and quarterbacks. I am watching for Cam Newton, Jake Locker and Andy Dalton at quarterback as well as Julio Jones at wide receiver and Mark Ingram at running back. This is the first year I'm actually fascinated by the combine. I lay there impressed by Cam but also receivers like A.J. Green & Edmond Gates. Cam runs a 4.58 and then a 4.59 40 and then jumps 10'6"..amazing. I'm so engrossed I dont notice my phone is ringing til about the 4th ring. I talk to my dad briefly and let him know what's going on. I'm still not up for talking much and I let him know I'm watching the combine so he gets off the phone with me shortly. I pretty much watch the combine through the evening. My roommate gets home and we run to the grocery store again. This time we get some groceries and I put them up. I am tired and lay down for awhile. I should cook dinner but I'm too tired. I eat some leftovers and get ready for bed. I am having moments of feeling very depressed. I try to stay optimistic or stay close to my roommate to keep from feeling too sad but sometimes the sadness overwhelms me. I think of death alot..I want the misery to end. I dont want to keep suffering. I am a coward..I wont ever kill myself but where is a sniper or a stray bullet when you need one. When that depresses me too much I cry it out of my system. I take the sleep supplement and go to sleep to keep from crying all through the night. I dont need this right now. Give me strength God please.

Saturday February 26 2011- Day 54

My roommate wakes me up early. I lay in the bed though. I am too depressed to move. He asks if I want to come with him to go get the car and I tell him no. My dad calls while I'm laying there but I dont answer the phone. What can I say right now? Everytime I think about what I'm going through I start to cry again and talking only makes it worse. I only talk to Miguel because we live together and it's unavoidable. Besides he wont ever let me lay in bed and feel sorry for myself for long. He goes to get the car and text me on the way back and tells me to get dressed. I get up finally shower and throw some clothes on. We go to breakfast at Ihop and then go to hh gregg to look at tvs. I own a 20" color tube television and I want to switch to a bigger flat screen tv finally. We get to hh gregg and I pick out a 42" flat screen plasma on sale for $469. We get it loaded into the car and take it home. We get it set up and afterwards my roommate leaves to go visit his mom. I lay in the bed and take a nap. My father has called twice while I've been out and despite not wanting to talk I call him back finally. I explain to him that I havent wanted to talk because talking leads to crying and as I'm talking I start sobbing again. I'm still devastated by yesterday's news and angry for being left out of the loop of my own treatment. I tell my dad I'm ready to say Fuck GW Hosp and move onto a new place like cancer treatment center of america or MD Anderson where my brother works. Any place but GW anymore. He changes the subject and I tell him about buying a new tv. We finally get off the phone and I doze off briefly til my roommate text me a couple hours later to tell me to get up we're going to dinner. We go get food from Levis in Oxon Hill and stop by Giant to buy some juice. We get home and we eat while I look up buying a laptop. I am thinking I want a laptop for school wherever I go. I finally find the one I'm looking for and order online. I prefer to do all my shopping online. I dont like to store shop at all. After we eat I start to doze off so I get up and go lay in my bed and call it a night around 10:30.

Friday February 25 2011- Day 53

I have only half a day at work today. I have a dentist appt. Fortunately this is the last dr's appt until whenever my surgery is so I dont mind. It is a warm day and I'm in a good mood. My federal return has come in and I can finally buy things I have put off purchasing. Socks, shoes, bras, contacts, etc etc. I spend part of my morning online shopping for them until it is time for me to leave. My roommate and I have decided to rent a car for the weekend so I stop by the bank to deposit some money in his account so we can go get a new tv as well. I get to my dentist office and as I arrive the winds start to pick up. In the middle of the cleaning the power keeps going out. We finish up quickly and I head to the nail salon to get a manicure and pedicure. It is starting to get chilly but it's early so I hope I'll get out quickly. In the middle of my pedicure my phone rings. It is my oncologist Dr. Tabarra. He is calling because Dr. McSwain and he are concerned because I had cancelled my chemo yesterday. I explain to him that I was told I can move onto surgery and I have been waiting a week to hear from Dr. McSwain's office on a date. Dr. Tabarra tells me that I have been misinformed. That because of the success of the chemo so far (90% successful he informs me) he wants me to continue for 2 more treatments hoping to get to 100% successful. This way when they go in there is the potential that there will be nothing to remove. He informs me that Dr. McSwain and he spoke last Friday and then again today about my treatment. At no time neither doctor nor their offices had called me and let me know this information. I start sobbing while the woman is still doing my feet. I tell Dr. Tabarra that I didnt want to do anymore chemo, that I was looking forward to moving onto surgery because chemo is so horrible. He says he understands. No you dont. Until you go through chemo you cant begin to possibly understand the pain and suffering I'm going through. You cant begin to understand why I was looking forward to this being done. I keep crying even as he explains that even if they had done surgery now they would still most likely do more chemo after surgery. I dont say anything. I dont want to talk anymore. All the good cheerful feeling I was having is now gone. All I feel is heartbroken and disappointed. I am angry with my doctors for never talking to me while they talked about me. I am sad that I have so much more suffering to go. I wonder why am I continuing to be punished like this..what did I do to deserve this. All I can do is sit with my head down trying to not let everyone in the nail salon see me cry. I text my dad who calls on the phone and I tell him what's going on..after that I cant find anymore words to speak..I dont want to talk anymore. I get off the phone with him. I text my sister in law & Tracie. I want someone to hold me and make the heartache stop. I want it to all go away. I go home and just lay in the bed crying. I text my roommate and let him know and I spend the rest of the evening sobbing until he gets home. He tries to console me but I'm feeling too sad to find comfort in what he's saying. Tomorrow he goes to get the car...tonight I just lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. How much longer God? How much more can you put me through? and why?

Thursday February 24 2011- Day 52

I get my state return direct deposited..wouldnt you know those rat bastards took $875 of it! Ugh..oh well. Hopefully that makes us even & I wont have to deal with the state of MD again. I have a dr's bill I need to pay but I dont worry about it. I figure I'll pay over the weekend. It concerns me that I'm only part way through and getting unpaid bills already. I can only imagine what the final tally will be. I try not to think about it. I have a normal day at work and a normal workout before heading home for the day. Tomorrow is only half a day so I'll have a restful weekend I'm sure. I have cancelled my chemo for today which I'm glad I dont have to go through anymore. I leave another message for the breast care center..my 3rd so far. I still have yet to here from them about surgery and I'm starting to get frustrated. The hard workout I put myself through leaves me exhausted and I crash and burn very early that evening and sleep through the night. I like those nights the best.