Friday February 25 2011- Day 53

I have only half a day at work today. I have a dentist appt. Fortunately this is the last dr's appt until whenever my surgery is so I dont mind. It is a warm day and I'm in a good mood. My federal return has come in and I can finally buy things I have put off purchasing. Socks, shoes, bras, contacts, etc etc. I spend part of my morning online shopping for them until it is time for me to leave. My roommate and I have decided to rent a car for the weekend so I stop by the bank to deposit some money in his account so we can go get a new tv as well. I get to my dentist office and as I arrive the winds start to pick up. In the middle of the cleaning the power keeps going out. We finish up quickly and I head to the nail salon to get a manicure and pedicure. It is starting to get chilly but it's early so I hope I'll get out quickly. In the middle of my pedicure my phone rings. It is my oncologist Dr. Tabarra. He is calling because Dr. McSwain and he are concerned because I had cancelled my chemo yesterday. I explain to him that I was told I can move onto surgery and I have been waiting a week to hear from Dr. McSwain's office on a date. Dr. Tabarra tells me that I have been misinformed. That because of the success of the chemo so far (90% successful he informs me) he wants me to continue for 2 more treatments hoping to get to 100% successful. This way when they go in there is the potential that there will be nothing to remove. He informs me that Dr. McSwain and he spoke last Friday and then again today about my treatment. At no time neither doctor nor their offices had called me and let me know this information. I start sobbing while the woman is still doing my feet. I tell Dr. Tabarra that I didnt want to do anymore chemo, that I was looking forward to moving onto surgery because chemo is so horrible. He says he understands. No you dont. Until you go through chemo you cant begin to possibly understand the pain and suffering I'm going through. You cant begin to understand why I was looking forward to this being done. I keep crying even as he explains that even if they had done surgery now they would still most likely do more chemo after surgery. I dont say anything. I dont want to talk anymore. All the good cheerful feeling I was having is now gone. All I feel is heartbroken and disappointed. I am angry with my doctors for never talking to me while they talked about me. I am sad that I have so much more suffering to go. I wonder why am I continuing to be punished like this..what did I do to deserve this. All I can do is sit with my head down trying to not let everyone in the nail salon see me cry. I text my dad who calls on the phone and I tell him what's going on..after that I cant find anymore words to speak..I dont want to talk anymore. I get off the phone with him. I text my sister in law & Tracie. I want someone to hold me and make the heartache stop. I want it to all go away. I go home and just lay in the bed crying. I text my roommate and let him know and I spend the rest of the evening sobbing until he gets home. He tries to console me but I'm feeling too sad to find comfort in what he's saying. Tomorrow he goes to get the car...tonight I just lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. How much longer God? How much more can you put me through? and why?