There is flash flood warnings today. The weather is nasty all day. I havent found any definitive articles that say bad weather has an effect on chemotherapy recovery but the lack of sunshine and damp rainy weather sink deep into my bones and joints and leave me in pain. There is nausea and dizzyness and I'm extremely fatigued all day. Twice during the day at work I need to lay down just to pull it together to get through the day. By the end of the day I am struggling. Im trying to decide if I want to catch a cab but in the rain I know the commute isnt going to be any better than if I just catch the subway so I just stick it out and go home. I am dizzy on the whole train ride..I can barely get my eyes to focus as I try to walk to my bus stop. I get home and barely get undressed and in the bed. I am shivering with chills and hurting all over. I am nauseous and very tired. My roommate gets home and try as I might I cannot get up the energy or strength to move. I have no appetite. I cant eat and I am sick to my stomach and sore. I need to eat so I can take some pain and nausea med but I cant manage to sit up for long without getting sick or dizzy. I crawl back in bed and lay there in excrutiating pain and nausea. My roommate is trying to tell me to shower and get ready for bed but I cant imagine trying to stand under the running weather cuz standing up for long makes me violently ill. I go back to bed and he finally comes out his room to turn the fan on and turn my light off because I havent moved to do either. For once my phone is turned off. I normally leave it turned on but now I dont even want to think about it ringing & disturbing me. I doubt that it will. Anyone who normally would call late wont anymore. Suffice it at that.
The sickness is unbearable. It is 2 am before I get it together enough to get up and drink down a glucosamine and swallow a handful of pills. It puts me into a numb sleep that I awaken from a few hour later. I am fatigued but at least the worse of the nausea dizzyness and pain have subsided.
Days like this make life almost unbearable. I cant function like a normal person and it hurts my heart. I hate being sick all the time. I hate looking like a freak. I hate not being myself. I hate that people I love shun me because of it. Night fills me with dreams. In my dreams I am still myself nothing has changed. I awaken to this living nightmare everyday. I wish that this nightmare was a dream instead of the other way around. I awaken to the baldhead the illness the scars that never heal and deepening loneliness. Reality is worse than any nightmare I could ever have possibly imagined.
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