I'm learning the depths of human cruelty. How far some will go to avoid facing my illness. Dont get me wrong I have so much family, friends, co-workers, admirers, supporters that have stood by me through this that it amazes me sometimes, but some of those that have turned their back and walked away leaves me breathless and heartsick. I feel myself slowly pulling away from people. I dont want it to happen but the wall I'm building between myself and others keeps me from being hurt. It is a wall I spent more than a decade trying to tear down. I wanted to learn to be more open and loving to allow myself to love without fear. But doing so has left me disillusioned and disappointed and unspeakably heartbroken. Dont you love me? Did you ever love me? The empty silence gives me the answer I already know. I pass between angry and a hopeless despair. I know the sadness isnt helping me heal. I have to stay upbeat and optimistic through this in order for my positive energy to flow through me. But with what has been happening lately I find it hard so many days. I dont want to go back to being the private reclusive painfully shy closed off person I was for so long, but reaching out and getting my heart broke hurts too much and right now I cant afford anything that takes away from my body's ability to heal. I try to smile each day even when there is no smile inside me. When I hear about Newt Gingrich or John Edwards who cheated on their wives while they were battling cancer I think to myself damn how could someone that claims they love someone so much do that to the person they claim they love? The inability to lack human decency and compassion. The inability to love even in the face of despair. Love isnt just loving someone on the good and happy days but even on the sad and hard and hurtful days. It is looking beyond yourself and your own selfish needs and saying damn this person really needs me now I should be there. I dont know..maybe I'm rambling. Maybe I dont know how to feel because feeling means feeling sorrow. Im trying to get back to that place of numbness where I dont feel anything at all. Numb is good.
I understand why so many sink into a depression during this period. It is a very public battle and yet a very private sad one that you cannot begin to explain to others. Like even when you know you have support you are still alone to fight this. When those you love leave you to battle it on your own it is even more of a reminder of just how alone you really are.
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