Sunday January 30, 2011-Day 27

I wake up the saddest I've been so far. I no longer feel and look like me. The young woman with the shoulder length black hair and ready smile is gone. Staring back at me is this creature. I have an inch long scar on my chest where the port is that refuses to completely heal. It leads up to 2 more scars on my neck where the catheter runs into my jugular. They are a constant hideous reminder of what I'm going through. On top of that now is my balding head. The front and back are almost completely gone only a patch of hair remains at the crown of my head. Looking at this creature just makes me cry uncontrollably. Why me God? Why am I going through this? What did I do to deserve this? Is this a punishment for some unknown sin that I didnt realize I committed? I keep the mirror covered refusing to look at this thing I've become. I hate my life. I hate Tracie for not being more supportive. I hate the fact that I have to wake up and face this every single day. Yes everyone says it's only temporary and I only have a few months to go through this but time passes slow and each day I must face this thing..this creature I dont recognize and hate. I text my friend Jermaine and we go to breakfast. While I'm at breakfast my roommate's sister calls to tell me she's on the way to the apt. I tell her I'm at Ihop and she says she'll come past. She instead calls back a few mins later to tell me she's at the apt and that Miguel is with her. Ok fine. I finish breakfast and text my roommate who says he's at the apt. Jermaine and I arrive at the apt and I come in the room to talk to him. His sister is gone and I tell him about my hair. He asks me to take off the scarf to show him. I pull it off and lower my head and cry as he looks at it. I put the scarf back on my head before Jermaine comes in the room. Miguel tells me it'll be ok it's only temporary. Miguel is bald and his started falling out in his 20s and it's permanent. I atleast know mine will come back eventually where his will never come back. I tell him that as a man it's more acceptable for a man to be bald but we dont live in a society where it's acceptable for a woman to be bald. He still tries to comfort me but I dont want to hear what he's talking about. He and Jermaine leave a few minutes later and other than wash a load of clothes and walk over to the corner store I avoid leaving the apt or being seen by anyone the rest of the day. I try to text Tracie but I only get some answers and I finally grow frustrated and stop. I'm tired of trying to make him be more supportive. I dont think he knows how. I know he's trying but there's only so much he can do from TN. I need him here. I'm tired of making any effort. I dont want to talk to anyone anymore. I cry all evening til I get tired of crying and drug myself into a broken sleep. God help me get through.

Saturday, January 29, 2011-Day 26

I wake up at 7 am because I fell asleep so early. I lay in bed for a long time though and just read a book till I finish it then I start texting folks. Tracie text me first cuz he's bored at work. He's once again only texting me random nonsense not checking on me which bothers me but I'm used to it on some level. I know he still cares but I need constant reassurance and I'm sure it wears on him. I hate being this way. I hate being so emotional..I dont like the person I'm becoming. I dont like crying so much and feeling so sad all the time. It takes effort each day to try to feel better. I never leave my hair down anymore, I just switch from a day headrag to a night headrag and vice versa all the time never looking at my head anymore. The only time I dont have a rag on my head is when I shower otherwise I always keep my head wrapped. My roommate's sister shows up at 10:30 but Miguel has told me to keep her at the apt because he's not ready yet. She and I sit and talk for more than 2 hours til he finally text me to tell me that they are now going to lunch at Golden Corral instead of breakfast. It is now 1 pm and his sister has to be at work at 2 so she only has enough time to drop me off at the restaurant and head off to work. I get to the restaurant and I look for my roomate who comes to the door to get me. I come in for lunch and his brother and sister-in-law are there as well as his mom, his girlfriend and his son. This is the first time I'm ever meeting his girlfriend and the baby so I'm a little nervous. They've been together for 5 years, but we've never met face to face. It feels a little uncomfortable but I stay cool. I just enjoy seeing the baby. We leave the restaurant and go to check them into a hotel. We get to the hotel and he finally hands me his son. I love holding Osiris. He's so adorable and kissable. He loves to growl and bounce. I cant help but laugh at him. We leave the hotel to get his brother and sister in law checked in at their hotel and as we leave there my brother text me to let me know that he's on his way to my house. His brother takes me straight back to my apt and I barely get in the door and go to the bathroom when my brother text me to tell me he's out front. I come out and we head over to his house so I can spend more time around kids. I get to spend time with my brother's kids, Kaylah, Niyah, Triston, Robbie and Tatiana. Carla hands me Tati once I get settled and I look down at this baby who looks up at me with a face that looks just like mine. I hafta laugh. She looks just like me even down to the rosacea on her little cheeks. I show Carla that I have the same small red patches and tiny bumps on my face. I let her know that mine is being aggravated by the chemotherapy but typically it looks just like Tati's and that there is nothing wrong with it. It doesnt hurt or itch and most times I'm not even aware of it till someone mentions my rosey cheeks. Carla laughs a little and points it out to my brother who looks at my face and nods. I walk Tati around the lower level of the house so she falls asleep and I keep holding her. Carla's friend shows up with her son and then her brother shows up with her son so that at some point I'm surrounded by 7 small children. I sit and rest with Tati on my shoulder til she wakes up and then I walk around the house again til she falls back asleep. My shoulder which has been bothering me for 2 days starts hurting again so I take 2 tylenol and put a heating pad on it which puts me to sleep. The next sound I hear is Robbie coming in the room screaming as he tears across the room to the couch. I open my eyes then and I see my brother is in his coat and ready to take me home. How long had I been asleep? I look at the clock and it's now 11:30 pm. Ok definitely time to get home. I get home and I need to oil my scalp because it's so dry and itchy. I start running my hands through my hair clump after clump after clump comes out in my hand. By the time I'm done the hair in the front of my head is gone. I cover the mirror with a towel and wrap my head up for the night. I text Tracie who doesnt answer and I fall asleep crying.

Friday, January 28, 2011- Day 25

I have to go to work this morning dealing with my new balding condition. How am I going to face this? I wrap by head turban style in a large black scarf and finish getting ready for work. I get to work and my co-worker reties it a little fancier. Everytime I blow my nose more of my nose hair comes out. I hate this. It makes my nose run even more. I go to the gym at lunch time and get in a short workout. I run into a woman Cindy that I always talk to and tell her what's happened. Cindy tells me she's never done a self exam but now telling her what's happened to me she is going to start. I tell her I didnt want to become a spokesman for self exams but if my condition makes other women more conscious to have their exams than by all means I'm for it. I hadnt wanted this job, believe me I would prefer to not have cancer, but now I have a certain responsibility to make others aware and have them take precautions. I dont want this job. It is hard enough dealing with what I'm going through but it becomes an unspoken rule. I go back to work and finish out my day and head home. I decide to go get my face waxed one last time for awhile. I dont know how long it will take after chemo is over for my hair to grow back but since I'm nowhere near that time I figure I'll enjoy this 1 luxury for now. I talk to my waxer Daniel who I've always enjoyed having do my face. He's quick but gentle and we always have good convo. I tell him what's going on and he tells me that I'll be ok and to still come by every so often and talk to him. I agree to do that. My nails are getting brittle so I may get tips and get my toes done for awhile to try to still feel pretty on some level. When Daniel finishes I head home and I take a pic of myself and send it to Tracie. He writes me back and tells me I look so pretty. I love him for that cuz I no longer feel it. I post a pic on FB as well. My head is still wrapped but my face is waxed and looks good so I try to feel and look normal. I unwrap my head and decide to wash it which I havent done in 3 weeks. I already know what is going to happen but I dont like the feeling of it dirty. I wash it and I watch as most of my hair washes down the drain. When I finish more than half of my hair is gone and there is a very large bald patch in the front. My life is changing faster than I'm ready to handle. I text my roommate back and forth and we agree to meet for breakfast in the morning. I go to bed watching some program and sleep off and on through the night.

Thursday January 27, 2011-Day 24

I wake up and flip on the tv and realize the cable is still out. I had been texting Tracie through the night off and on since there wasnt anything else to do. At 5 am I got a text from my job letting me know there was a 2 hour delay. I slept in a little longer then got up and started to get ready for work. As I'm running my hands through my hair that morning a lot of hair comes out..I get a sick feeling but I ignore it as I continue to get ready for work. I didnt have tv or the internet so had no way to know how bad things were outside. I leave out my apartment and wait at the bus stop. A bus pulls up and tells me that my bus is not coming that buses are only running on snow emergency routes and that I wont be able to get to my subway station. Crap. I call for a cab. The cab company tells me there is a 1 hour wait and that I must pay an additional $3 for the cab. I say ok. A few minutes later I call my boss and tell her I have no way to get to work and that I'm going back home. She says she has no electricity and that she's not going to work either. I called my co-worker Lucille and she tells me she's not going either, she doesnt have electricity or running water. Wow. I walk to the corner store and grab myself a pair of sunglasses (I'm getting snow blindness). The cornerstore is dark except for 1 working freezer. They tell me that this side of the street (opposite of mine) is without power completely. I tell them I have power just no cable. They laugh. I get back in my apt and lay down while I talk to another co-worker Isabelle. As I'm laying there on the bed I scratch my head and a large clump of hair comes out in my hand. I touch the back of my head and 2 more clumps come out. I had read that hair loss could start as early as day 14 after chemo and today was the 14th day. So here I was losing my hair. I am heartbroken. It is hard enough dealing with the chemotherapy and fighting cancer but losing my hair is traumatic. I cant see the tumor in my body but the bald patches in my head I can see. I start sobbing. I need comfort. I text Tracie who tries to console me but cant. I text my sister in law and my cousin. Im still sad. I finally call a 1-800 line for breast cancer survivors. I talk to the woman for half an hour and she finally gets me to calm down. It is an inevitable part of this journey. It is just another step in the process I must endure. It will be the most trying of all. I go across the street and buy myself a doorag to wear in the meantime. I dont want to keep touching my hair since it is falling out everywhere. I tie my hair up. My cousin offers to take me to the hairdresser next week to shave it off and get a custom wig. I have a wig that I got from a cancer organization but I dont like how it looks. She says a custom one will be better. She tells me to go to my neighbor and get some head scarves in the meantime. I go next door to my neighbor Ms. Tweet. Ms. Tweet is like a grandmother to me. She is older and very sweet and loves me like one of her own. She always knows how to comfort me. I tell her what's happening and start crying as I'm telling her. She holds me close til I calm down and tells me to take a seat. I sit and we talk for awhile. She goes and searches and comes back with a handful of scarves, 3 of which are long enough for me to use as head scarves. She and I sit and talk for 3 hours til I'm finally calm and feeling a little better. I go home and have some dinner and then lay down early to get some sleep.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011-Day 23

The forecast had been calling for a severe snowstorm in the area. Of course they've called for several of those this winter so I'm always like yeah yeah whatever but this time the forecasters were dead on. As the day got later it was apparent we were going to catch it pretty bad. Around 12 noon I checked the OPM site and saw that the federal government was closing 2 hours early so people could get home before the worse of the storm. I sent the information to my boss and shortly afterwards the announcement was made that we were closing early. I left the office at 3 pm. I wanted to hit the gym but something told me that I better high tail it home. I hopped on the train and when I got to my side of town the snow was already starting to fall pretty fast and steady. I got into the apt just as it started to stick. I snuggled up under the covers and watched tv as the snow fell steadily. I dozed off and when I woke up and turned on the news there were 10" of snow on the ground. The power kept flickering off and on but didnt go out. As I lay back in the bed later my tv went blank. I flipped through all the channels but nothing came on the screen. I had just paid the cable bill so I realized that the cable must've been knocked out by the storm. Damnit. How long would it be out? I was hoping just a few minutes but as hour after hour passed I realized that it wasnt going to come back. I finally got up and took a motrin pm and some alteril and curled in bed with a book til I fell asleep.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011-Day 22

I got to workout a 2nd day at the gym which felt even better than the first day. My roommate's girlfriend came to town so he booked a hotel room downtown for her and him and the baby so I have the apt all to myself. On the days I feel well I like being in the house alone and just resting in the bedroom. It's relaxing and quiet.

The day wasnt real eventful so I wanted to share something about my beliefs. I've already shared my deep spirituality but another thing I believe in is spirits. I guess folks would call them ghosts but I prefer to call them spirits. I believe in them. I believe because I have seen them for myself. No nothing like the Ghost Whisperer or anything like that. I've never seen faces or held conversations or anything like that. When I've seen spirits they've appeared like a shadow. I cant make out faces but I can see them and I'm sure they can see me. Ive had one that til this day I'm sure was my mother standing over my bed watching me. Most times I just see them walk across the room and disappear. I was 9 when I first started seeing them. It used to scare me. I was afraid of the dark. To this day I have to sleep with every door completely closed. Even still I've gotten used to seeing the spirits; they dont bother me and I dont bother them. There are times when I dont see them, but I can feel them. I have a sense that someone is around me near me. Again even then I've learned to just not let it bother me. I dont think spirits mean any harm. My beliefs in the afterlife vary from most people. I dont necessarily believe in heaven and hell in any traditional sense. I believe that you leave this plane of existence and continue on in spirit form into the next plane of existence. You have the freedom to journey whereever whenever you want. To explore the pyramids of Egypt or the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Mind you I dont know anymore than the next person what reality is like but that is what I believe. That is why I believe spirits are all around us. I think every so often they want to check on us and make sure we're ok. They try to look in on us unobserved and for the most parat they do. Now when they want to speak to us they can talk to us in dreams. Around the age of 21 I was dating a guy who was very abusive to me. One night I had a dream about my step-mother. I was just a little girl again sitting at the dining room table I grew up eating on and my step-mother was sitting at her spot at the head of the table talking to me. The only thing was she was talking about my relationship with this guy. She was telling me I needed to be careful and I needed to watch out for myself and to get out of the relationship. When I woke up I was confused..my step-mother had died 2 years before..how was she talking to me about a current relationship? I knew later that this was her way of speaking to me. I havent dreamed of her since but others have spoken to me or made their presence known to me. When my young cousin passed away a few years ago I kept dreaming about him and thinking about him. I kept feeling him around me all the time. In life he and I hadnt been close and I had never known all that he had gone through, but in passing I missed him terribly and I couldnt shake him for days. I awakened in the middle of the night 1 night crying missing him but feeling him close to me. I started talking to him. I got off the bed and got a piece of paper and within a few minutes I had written a poem to him letting him know that I knew he was with me. I felt a sense of peace and calm come over me..I knew that he knew. After that I felt a warmth and a happiness because I knew he was with me and in my heart and he knew I knew he was close to me. I cant explain my sense of spirits anymore than that. It is not a creepy spectacle or anything off paranormal whatever the heck shows. I find most of those shows stupid. I dont tell people about seeing spirits because I know people will think I'm crazy, but I can only tell you how I feel and what I believe. Whether you choose to believe is your decision.

Monday, January 24, 2011-Day 21

there is nothing eventful about this day other than I finally got to go back to the gym. That may mean nothing to someone else but for me it's a big deal. You cant tell by looking at me that I'm a gym rat, but trust me I am. I love working out especially lifting. Being sick and tired from the chemo has left me unable to workout during my first week back to work but I'm determined to workout this week even if it's just for 15-20 mins. I am going to atleast do a brisk walk on the treadmill. I had gone on Friday to say hi to everyone and they were all so happy to see me so I'm happy that I was missed and that they are waiting for me to get back into the swing of things. I do a brisk walk on the treadmill for 20 mins and afterwards I'm feeling a mixture of tired and energized. It is the feeling I've missed since this whole ordeal began. I cant imagine not working out. This is the feeling I love. Until you workout all the time you dont understand this exhilriation. I want to do more time but I know I need to go slow and not push myself. So 2o minutes is fine. I go home that evening and after a small meal of noodles and chicken I collapse in an exhausted sleep. The workout was worth it just so I can have a good solid sleep.

Sunday January 23, 2011- Day 20

My roommate decides that he must go visit his grandfather on this day. His grandfather is dying slowly and he must go pay his last respects. I agree to go with him. His sister agrees as well. We go over there and visit. We take his mom to the grocery store and I spend time talking with her. His mother loves me like her own child. Miguel and I have lived together for over 10 years so I am like family to her. I cry when she hugs me..I'm not sure why. I think I'm just emotional still. We get home in time to watch the playoffs and Miguel and I sleep off and on and watch the games. I go to bed early that evening because I'm tired both mentally and physically.

Saturday January 22, 2011- Day 19

My roommate has gotten his drivers license in the mail from California so he decides to rent a car for the weekend so we can go shopping. Mostly we need to hit the grocery store so I can buy the food that is now on my short list of foods I can eat. It sucks cuz alot of the food I have come to love to eat, fresh veggies, brown rice, wheat bread, etc are not allowed on this diet, but I have no choice if I want to try to stop the diarrhea which has continued for more than a week and a half straight. We decide to go to the Giant and get groceries as well as hit Target and pick up some items. After a few hours of shopping I am tired. My energy levels are zapped now. Once very energetic from working out daily, I now find I get winded and tired easily. By the end I am dragging and my roommate decides we need to head home. That's good since my dad is calling to let me know he's at my apartment dropping off water and ensure he bought for me at costco. We get home and take in all the groceries and stuff we bought at Target as well as the things my dad bought. I eat a little take some immodium and pain meds and lay down and sleep for several hours straight. Later that evening my roommate's sister comes by to work on her iPod. She stays til 2 am but I sleep through most of it since the long hours in the store have exhausted me.

Friday, January 21, 2011- Day 18

I am feeling well enough again to go to work. It seems it takes about a week to feel normal after chemotherapy. I go into work and I get response emails from 2 young cancer survivor groups both advising me of the dates of their next meetings. I make a note to try to attend both. I also am exchanging emails back and forth with another cancer survivor a friend of mine growing up puts me in touch with. Today is not a good day. Learning to live with cancer means I go through bouts of sadness. I become emotional at the drop of a hat and will have a crying spell anywhere at anytime. It is something I'm getting used to. I really dont care who sees me cry..if you understood what I was going through you would just let me be. Today is one of those days. I am reading the brochures that the nutritionist sent me on the different effects of chemotherapy and the foods I need to avoid so as to not trigger my diarrhea further. On top of this I'm emailing the other survivor and thinking more and more about the loss of my hair which as I'm reading is going to start soon. This thought saddens me to no end. We live in a society that is caught up on looks. A woman's hair whether long or short is critical to her look. Without it you draw all the wrong kinds of attention and criticism. I am not ready to lose my hair. I am not ready to face a society bald headed. Thinking of this makes me incredibly sad. I start to cry uncontrollably at work. It is near the end of the day so I go back to 1 of my co-workers offices and cry on her shoulder. I am overwhelmed with sadness. It seems so unfair that this is happening to me. I dont understand it. I pull myself together enough to leave work but I cry on my way home. I run into a neighbor on the bus who talks to me til I calm down. I finally feel better. I go home and call my sister in law, my spiritual advisor, who I always tell good things to. She is happy for me that I was able to find someone who was able to calm me down. I have an uneventful evening and sleep well that night.

Thursday January 20, 2011- Day 17

I wake up feeling much better..not 100% but close to 85% so I decide to go to work. I want to go in and talk to my boss about leave sharing. I only had 19 days of leave to begin with and I've already used up 11 days with my illness so I know there's no way I'll get through this without help. I had read in the employee manual that we had a leave sharing policy so I want to talk to her about it and maybe ask co-workers to help me. If not I will have to go on Family Medical Leave Act which is unpaid leave which I honestly cant afford to do. I get to work and email my boss about it and she immediately replies that all someone has to do is fill out a leave transfer request form and turn it in for it to be done. Unbeknownst to me, the day before in the staff meeting my boss had already gone over the leave sharing policy and my co-workers had already generously given up their leave to help me. In fact they give up so much leave I could take off for the next several months with pay! I am so shocked. You never realize how much you mean to people especially co-workers until something like this. I am moved to tears by their generosity. How good is my God that something like this happens? I get home and share the good news with my family who all are happy for me. I wont abuse this new leave. When I'm feeling well I will still go to work but I feel better knowing that on days when I'm not feeling well I dont have to feel pressured to go to work so I dont lose pay. This is the best news in a long time and I'm grateful. It is a good day. I also speak with the nutritionist on this day who puts me on a very strict B.R.A.T. (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) diet and suggest I start taking immodium AD everytime I have diarhhea. I take her words to heart and vow to change my diet immediately eating just chicken broth and drinking gatorade the whole day.

Wednesday January 19, 2011- Day 16

I wake up this day feeling horrible. I take a shower hoping I'll feel normal when I get out but a wave of nausea hits me real bad and I have to cut my shower short and lay down. Try as I might it doesnt look like I'm going to be able to go to work. I text my boss and my co-workers who cover for me and let them know. I know there is an all staff meeting that day and I had wanted to attend it, but I cannot get it together. After my roommate leaves for work I go back to sleep as long as I can. I get up later and get something to eat which again makes me very sick. I miss the call from the nutrionist but I decide I'll call her later. I pop more advil pm and go back to sleep. Sleep is the only thing that alleviates the pain and constant nausea. I wake up when my roommate gets home and we talk a little til I fall back to sleep in his bed. He wakes me and helps me get back in my bed where I fall back to sleep for the night.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011- Day 15

I wake up feeling..not normal but as close to normal as I've felt since before this all began. I decide I'm going to go to work. There is a 2 hour delay because of snow so I take my time getting ready. When I leave out I take my time because the pain in my back doesnt allow me to walk but so fast and I'm scared I may fall and make it worse. My roommate walks with me holding my arm keeping me from falling. I go into work and my co-workers are so happy to see me. I havent seen them since before I was diagnosed. They know and are aware of what's been going on but I havent been able to come in. I arrive and everyone comes to my desk and hug me and talk to me. They have questions. They havent seen my hair since I chopped it off but they like it they tell me. I answer questions as well as I can. I cry sometimes as I explain to them the pain the nausea the being sick. I have dropped alot of weight from the constant diarrhea and everyone notices it. I tell them when I feel ok I'll be at work and when I dont, I wont. They understand. I explain how my chemotherapy is spread out over the next few months and that on that week I will be out that Thurs and Fri. They seem to get all this down. I contact several more cancer organizations this day and the American Cancer Society says they will have a nutritionist call me after I tell them about the constant diarrhea. I stay at work all day so by the time I get off I am exhausted. It has been the most hours I've been awake in days so I drink an ensure, take some pain meds, get sick and then fall asleep. I wake up when my roommate gets home and eat more, get sick and go back to sleep.

Monday, January 17, 2011- Day 14

The pain subsides from everywhere but my back..I am starting to think this will always be the case. I have learned ways to get off the bed slowly so as to keep the pain to a minimum. Regardless there is no way to sleep that completely alleviates the pain so I still cannot sleep through the night, drugged or not. I am still not able to keep food down..I am feeling hopeless on this. It is a holiday so thankfully my roommate is home from work so I am not home alone all day which I'm grateful for. I watch television when I can, eat a little, get sick, take pain meds, sleep when I can. The hours seem long. I have too much time to think and thinking makes me sad. I cry alot til I get tired of crying and get up. I shower for the 1st time in several days. The water on my back feels so good and I stay in for over 20 mins just standing in the water. I start contacting breast cancer organizations that give away free wigs. I finally find one that agrees to send me one the next day and stay on the phone with the woman Pam for another 20 mins talking about her experience as well as my own. It is always good to talk with other survivors. I email several others just to get more information and find a group for younger women with breast cancer. I email them. I go back to laying in the bed watching tv and sleeping. I only eat because I cant take the pain meds on an empty stomach but soon as I eat I get sick so it seems so pointless now and my appetite is starting to fade. I drink the ensure which makes me sick as well. I hate them. Anything very sweet tastes disgusting to me and makes me feel sick to the stomach. All food has a bland taste. I try to eat the food my cousin makes but it all makes me sick. I dread eating. I am constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get it's never enough. If this is what life is going to be like for the next 3 mos I dont know how I'm going to make it. I just pray alot and sleep off and on.

Sunday, January 16, 2011- Day 13

I wake up this day in more pain than the last. I know I must find a way to get up off the bed and get to the bathroom as my stomach is in lurching pain as it has been all night long. I am constantly up during the night with nonstop diarrhea and I am constantly dehydrated. My cousin is coming over to bring food she has made for me. I am hoping that the fresh food will stay down better than anything I've made for myself but I am doubtful. I dont mention the diarrhea to anyone because it is not pleasant to talk about and I dont want anyone to know. I am exhausted from the lack of sleep and every step is painful as the pain is in my legs as well as back and arm. I sit in the bathroom trying to pull myself together. I go into my roommate's room and lay on the bed talking with him while he works on his computer. He has been so helpful these last few days when I cant get up off the bed. He helps me up and walks with me even. At night he covers me in blankets when I'm too frozen in pain to pull them over myself and shuts off my lights, tv and computer so I can sleep. I let him know my cousin is coming later so he is prepared. Meanwhile his sister comes over to visit. I am happy to see her even though I cant move from the bed to greet her. I know I look a mess..my hair is unbrushed and I havent gotten dressed in a few days because of the pain. My cousins arrive later to drop the food off and my roommate goes to help bring it in. I manage to get off the bed enough to greet them but I cant manage more than a weak smile for them. It hurts too much to stand up straight and immediately after they leave I crawl back in the bed with a bottle of water. I take more motrin pm and sleep off and on. I am sleeping upwards of 15-20 hours a day now but it's the only thing that keeps me from crying. I try to sound upbeat when my dad calls but I know he can hear the pain in my voice. I watch the playoffs a little but mostly keep myself drugged up so I can sleep as much as possible.

Saturday, January 15, 2011-Day 12

I wake after a fitful unpleasant night of sleep to a screaming pain in my lower back. I cannot begin to describe this pain to you. Maybe the way a shotgun blast in the back would feel. I dont know. All I can tell you is that I have never been in this much pain in my entire life. To make matters worse the small case of the sniffles I've had now seem to be a full blown cold and sneezing makes my back clench up further which brings me to tears. I eat some breakfast which again gives me diarrhea and I'm getting increasingly sick of eating because I cannot keep any food on my stomach and the constant going to the bathroom is leaving me raw and bloody as well as tired and dehydrated. Besides the effort to get off the bed each time is getting harder and harder as the pain in my back and left arm dont allow me to just get up off the bed easily. I go and lay in bed in my roommate's room so I can talk with him and doze off every so often with him in the background. When pain medication wears off he brings me more. I eat and take the meds and then try to sleep more. I try to enjoy the playoffs but I cannot get the pain in my back to stop to enjoy the games and I keep taking motrin and advil pm to try to sleep off as much as I can. Nothing helps the pain. My family keeps texting and calling and I try to keep an upbeat tone though I'm in pain and very sick. I dont tell people about the diarrhea or that the smell of certain foods now make me sick to my stomach. I cry nonstop and constantly and sleep when I can passing out in exhaustion when the clenching in my stomach or crushing pain in my lower back pass away enough. My cousin wants to bring food by she has made for me but I cannot imagine trying to get off the bed so I text her and tell her to wait til Sunday. I'm praying by then that the pain will pass so I can feel a little better. I lay in bed hour after hour eating, getting sick, sleeping, crying and watching tv when I can. God give me the courage and strength to get through this.

Friday, January 14, 2011-Day 11

I wake up in the morning and the feverish flu like feeling from the night before is gone. The knot is gone but I've had bad diarrhea during the night. I have an early appt this day for my neulasta shot. Neulasta is a drug administered just below the skin to help reproduce white blood cells which are killed off during chemotherapy. This helps to fight off infection which often occur frequently with chemo patients since your immune system is severely weakened by the chemo. The unfortunate trade off is that Neulasta causes severe pain in the bones. This is atleast what I've been warned of ahead of time. So I get dressed and ready and my dad shows up and we head down to the care center again. We check in at oncology and they check my vitals again and after a minute they bring me into the transfusion room. I wait and after 10 minutes one of the nurses comes over and administers the shot in the back of my right arm. I head back out and get my father who has been waiting outside the transfusion area and we leave the care center. He takes me home and I get in bed and rest again. I dont feel anything immediately but I eat and take some pain pills just in case and lay down. Several hours later as I'm laying in bed I feel a growing pain in my chest and arms. Dr Tabarra had warned me that some patients think this is a heart attack, but it's just 1 of the effects of the Neulasta. So as the pain seizes my left arm, shoulder and chest I lay there and pant taking deep breaths trying to get through the pain. They havent given me a prescription telling me just to take tylenol or advil to help with pain both of which do nothing. The pain spreads to my back and I spend the night trying to find a comfortable way to lay which never comes. To make matters worse the chemo is giving me severe diarrhea which makes me have to get up every hour off the bed which becomes increasingly harder as the pain starts to grow worse. I try to eat but everything I eat makes me violently ill til I'm tired, dehydrated and delirious. That night I take some advil pm which help me to sleep just a few broken hours of pain. This new journey is not going to be easy.

Thursday January 13, 2011- Day 10

So this would be the day I find out from my oncologist all the results of my test and start chemotherapy. Everyday before appointments it tells me not to eat or drink, but I dont have instructions on what to do before chemo so I go on line and do research. They tell me that I should eat a good bland breakfast since it's best not to face chemo on an empty stomach and to pack a light lunch. I make 2 scrambled eggs and 2 slices of wheat toast and a glass of apple juice for breakfast while I talk on the phone with my dad and he packs a light lunch. My appt with the oncologist isnt till 11:15 am so I'm glad I get to sleep in a little. All the other appts were early so the rest is welcome.



We get to the care center before 10:30 am for a 11:15 am appt. The oncology dept is crowded on this day which it hadnt been previously. They call me up for the usual insurance card, ID, co-pay. I hand them over and they proceed to tell me that my insurance card has changed and I will need to get a new one. Fine whatever. I call my HR dept while I'm waiting and she informs me the new cards went out but she'll request one for me in the meantime. I go back to waiting and they call me up to take my vitals. My pressure for a change is finally around the normal range which it hadnt been in the last 2 weeks so I'm atleast thankful for that. I am sent back to oncology to wait and finally my dad & I get called back to the waiting room. We are sat in a small room and sit and wait. A doctor comes in and tells me Dr Tabarra will be in shortly just to be patient for now. I just nod my head. Finally Dr. Tabarra comes in and he asks me to switch to a paper shirt so he can examine my right breast. With my dad sitting there I feel uncomfortable but I have no choice. I pull the curtain closed and change real quick. Dr. Tabarra comes in and examines my breast real quick and has me change back. After 2 mins he comes back in the room and he begins going over the test results. I have stage 2b breast cancer in my right breast. It is triple negative meaning the cancer is not fueled by the estrogen, progesterone or HER2 protein in my body therefore no hormone or HER2 blockers will help with my treatment. CT & PET scans reveal the cancer has not spread to any other parts of my body. Blood test are negative, test on my heart shows it strong and healthy so beyond the cancer in my right breast I am in good health. My treatment will be 4 rounds of chemotherapy then meet with my oncologist to determine if more chemo is needed or if we can move onto surgery then radiation. Prognosis? My doctor is a realist not an optimist. He looks at me and says rather than give you stats I'll say we'll wait and see where we are then. Ok fine I guess that will have to do for now. I will be given Adriamycin, Cytoxan, and Taxol (ACT chemo) commonly known as "Red Devil" because of the color of the Adriamycin. The chemo will be administered 4 times every 3 weeks. Each chemo session will be 4-5 hours. I am sent back to the main waiting area. After a few minutes I'm called over to the infusion area. They sit me in a chair surrounded by other infusion patients. After a few mins they switch me to a private room. The nurse whose name is Pinky tells me she's doing this for the first time so she can go over some things with me and explain what I can expect. Understood. I show her my still healing chest with my port. She gets a needle and doesnt get it all the way through to the back of my port so she has to get a 2nd nurse and a longer needle for the 2nd attempt. This time it works and she flushes my port real quick which is a weird sensation to me. She hooks me up to saline first which she explains will keep me hydrated while they feed me the chemo drugs over the next several hours. She hooks up the first drug and leaves my dad and I alone in the room. These next several hours will be our alone time where we get to talk. We talk until I start to feel tired and then I lay down for a bit til my nose is stuffy & I cant breathe. We pull out our picnic and start to eat while Pinky comes back and forth changing the drugs. The drugs make my nose more and more stuffy til I cant breathe at all through my nose. Every so often I get up to go to the restroom which requires the IV machine to be unplugged and then dragged with me to the bathroom. During these walks I look around the room at the other patients. There is no television in the room, no radio, the only sound is hushed whispers of the nurses, staff and patients and the constant sound of whirring of the machines pumping the IV fluids into each patient. It is not a happy room but then considering what we are all going through I guess that is to be considered. I come back from the bathroom and my dad plugs the machine back in and I sit back on the bed again. The hours seem to pass slowly but finally it is over. My dad asks can we skip going to dinner, it's after 5 now and he's tired but then so am I so I say fine, I just want to get home and rest anyway. We leave and I head home. On the ride my dad keep asking how I feel. I dont think I'm supposed to feel anything immediately and honestly I dont. I get home and I eat a little and then lay down til my roommate gets home. After a few hours my stomach starts to feel a knot that continues to grow. By the middle of the night I am feverish and achy and the knot is leaving me curled up in pain. I text my roommate who comes out his room to check on me and I beg him to get me some advil and water which he does. I text the guy I've been seeing and he texts right back but there's nothing he can really say to comfort me. I doze off fitfully til morning.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011- Day 9

Wednesday began at 6 am. The hospital had called me Monday to tell me I had to be there at 8 am for a 10 am appt to have some blood work done. Fine whatever. I got up and got ready and at 7 on the dot my dad arrived and took me to the hospital. This time we were going to the hospital itself instead of the care center a block away. We signed in at admittance and after filling out more paperwork (you figure by now they'd have all this info) they gave me a pager and had me wait. 5 mins go past and they page me and tell me to come with them while my father waits for me. They take me upstairs to the prep room and have me dress in a gown and pack my clothes in a bag. They bring my father up who waits with me. Today I'm paired with a nurse Tay who clearly has ADD and talks very fast but is very cool and makes things a little easier. When I show her my battle scars from Monday she is horrified. Why had they drawn blood from the back of my hand? Why had they stuck me so many times? I didnt have answers to those questions. She explains she will have to put an IV line in. I tell her that's fine just dont use the back of my hands. She says ok and does her best to find a vein. She finds a vein but there is a knot in it from Monday's fiasco. They have pretty much hit every vein in my right arm so it is hard for her to find one that isnt bruised already. She gets the IV in and then I'm waiting. She asks why was I hear so early and I explain I got a call on Monday telling me I had to be there at 8 so I can have blood drawn. She looks confused. She looks on my chart and finds a small hand scribbled note telling her about the call and then she looks mad that she didnt know. She explains that while she was putting the IV line in she could've drawn blood then but now with it taped down it would be hard. I tell her that's fine and give her my left arm to draw blood. I explain the veins are harder to find in my left but they work just as well once you get one. She says she will get a butterfly to use instead of just a needle which I appreciate. It takes her only a minute to find a vein and draw 3 vials of blood out my left arm. I'm impressed because usually nurses cant get my left arm to cooperate. She tells me she's 1 of the best in the hospital. I will have to remember that if I ever have to come back in the future. After Monday's nightmare I need a nurse like Tay who is quick and painless to make this less traumatic. We are done with everything before 9 am so now I just have to sit and wait for over an hour til they come get me.

At 10 am a nurse practicioner comes in to get me and she explains to me everything that is getting ready to happen today. She explains how the port will be installed and how it will be used to feed the chemo drugs into my body. Basically a port is a small device that will be inserted into my chest under the skin with a catheter line that feeds directly into my jugular vein. This avoids them having to find a vein in my arm each time I come for treatment and some of the pain and burns associated with that in the past. Another nurse arrives to take me out and Im led to a stretcher where I lay down with all my belongings underneath. They have my dad walk with me and tell him he will go back to admittance and wait til the end of my procedure when they will page him to come back up to see me. We part ways at the top of the hall and I'm wheeled down to a CT room where my procedure will take place. The nurse explains to me that this is not their normal room so they are scrambling to find all their equipment and bring it back into the room where I am. They hook me up to oxygen and a blood pressure cuff which begins to take my pressure. Needless to say with all the stress it is very elevated. The technician talks to me and tells me his mom is a 25 year breast cancer survivor and that treatment nowadays is far beyond what they were back then and that I will be ok. I tell him thank you for that is something I need to hear while I'm freaked out. The nurse explains that she will be giving me 3 fluids through the IV. The first is an antibiotic to avoid a skin infection from the port, the 2nd is a sedative to help me relax through the procedure and the 3rd did something else. She hooked up a line to the IV in my arm and pumped in the first drugs. I cried out in pain. She came over and asked did it hurt and I tell her yes. She looks at my arm and tells me that the line isnt in the vein. Oh lawd. So she takes the line and I ask her not to do my hand. She finally gets another vein in my right arm and gets the line in. This time it works and when she pumps in the antibiotic this time I dont feel it. The technician explains because I have large breasts they will have to tape down my breast so they can be sure to get my port in the right spot. They clean my chest and then tape my breasts down. They cover the area to seclude it from the rest and hook me up to electrodes which they connect to a heart monitor. After this the nurse pumps in the sedation. It takes only a minute or so before it kicks in and I'm drifting in and out of conscious as they completely cover me in a plastic sheet. Now if I wasnt falling asleep I would probably be freaked out because it has the sensation of being in a body bag and if it wasnt for the oxygen being pumped into my nose I would feel like I was suffocating under it. I dont know what the 3rd drug did, but now I'm barely able to move and I'm so tired I cant keep my eyes open. The next sensation is the doctor over my left side. He explains he is putting in the numbing medication. I feel a needle in my chest and I wince and cry out in pain. I feel someone grab my right hand and squeeze it to reassure me. I am covered in the plastic sheet so I cant see anything or anyone but just that little jesture is comforting. The doctor tells me he is putting in a second dose and I feel the same hand there to comfort me. After that I relax. I am feeling too sleepy to fight or get up..I just want to doze off. I start to snooze a little as I feel them cutting into my chest. I dont feel the cut as I feel the pulling on my skin. I feel them tug and move my skin around. I feel something at my neck. I feel fluid running down my neck which I'm sure is blood, but I cant see it, just feel it. After several more minutes it is finally over. They help me back onto the gurney and wheel me back into a recovery room. I am drifting in and out of sleep. I want to wake up so they can go get my dad but I cant get my eyes to stay open. The nurse tells me I will be in recovery for an hour and then after that I can go home. They take out my oxygen and leave me attached to a pressure cuff. Mmm Hmm..gotcha. The sedation starts to wear off and I start to come around. The nurse calls down to admittance to tell them to let my dad up. The nurse comes into check my pressure. It is still elevated. She explains that after the stress of what I've been through this is normal. I hear my dad in the hallway and I feel comfortable and relax. He comes in and we sit and talk while I wait for the time to pass. They bring me water to drink because I havent been able to drink or eat since midnight and I'm dehydrated and hungry. I tell my dad I want to go eat after this and he says ok. An hour passes and they get me up and walk me down the hall to see how well I'm doing. I'm fine and so they tell me to get dressed while they send my dad to go get his car. I throw on my clothes and grab my things while they bring in a wheelchair to take me down. The tech wheels me down to the lobby and I get in my dad's car and leave. We go get breakfast despite that it's 2 pm now and afterwards we head to my apt. My dad asks what time we have to be at the hospital tomorrow and I tell him 11:15 am. He says ok as we pull up to my apt. I go in and lay down for the rest of the day despite the fact that my throat is killing me where I am bandaged. I take 2 motrin and an advil pm and sleep til late that evening. When I wake up with my throat hurting I take more and go back to sleep til 4 am when I wake up wide awake.

Tuesday, January 13, 2011- Day 8

I guess it's officially been 1 week now. It's still hard to believe but I have come to accept it. Other than my sister in law dropping off a yummy peanut butter chocolate cake her friend Tiffany made my day was very relaxed and quiet. That being said I will share with you some views I have on spirituality.

I am not a religious person at all. I dont believe in organized religion finding alot of them hypocritical. I dont like when someone tells me that only there view on God is the correct view. How do you know? Did God specifically come down and tell you that? If He didnt, then you cant be anymore sure than the next folks that your views are the correct ones. Religion is a man made invention. I believe that the old testament/Torah and even Quran were giving folks an idea of the way to live a righteous and good life, not saying this is exactly how things happened but to live a good life you should follow these guidelines. I dont want to offend alot of people here with my views so I wont go into more than that. I also believe in Buddhism who dont believe in a high power, rather just give guidance on proper and prayerful ways to live your life.

So if I'm not religious, but I believe in God, what am I? I am deeply spiritual. I believe in a high power and I choose to call my higher power God. I pray and meditate daily. Meditation can be short like the 25 mins or so it takes me to get to work, or long like on the mornings when I wake up at 5 am I may lay in bed and meditate til 7 or 8 depending on what time I need to get up & start my day. Meditation brings me the most peace. There is no script I am following, I allow my thoughts to flow freely, thinking over events of my life and then focusing them back to God. I may even finish a long thought with a short prayer to bring it back into focus. Prayers for me are short. I pray for life, peace, harmony, love. I pray over my friends and loved ones and for myself. Spiritual people dont tell others how to live their life. I am not judgemental nor hypocritical. How you choose to live your life, is your choice. God gave man free will so it is up to you to make peace with your God and live the life that is best for you and your relationship with Him. If you feel going to church is best for you, then by all means go to church. Personally I found for me that going to church wasnt what was best. It was after I left the church that I found a better relationship with God. I wasnt distracted by all the pomp and circumstance. Wasnt distracted by the dress or gossip. I was free to pray to God and meditate as I saw fit. Whenever or wherever. Not everyone will agree with that decision, but like I said you must find your relationship with God however works best for you. I find I am more prayerful and meditative now than I ever was in church. I pray and meditate daily as opposed to just on Sunday. It has made me a more deeply spiritual person and more at peace with myself and my life. I know there are those who will judge my life harshly and that is fine. My God knows my heart, my life, and all the my flaws and imperfections and accepts me exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not. If you cant do that, then that is on you, not me or my God. Church for me was never a place to find God. It was a place to share God with others. I have known folks who went to church every Sunday and never found God. I never had to go to a building to find Him, He is in my heart always. He speaks to me daily. He speaks as direct thoughts in my head or through others. You ever been someplace scared about what is going to happen, or curious about the future and then someone came along and said exactly what you needed to hear right then? That is God putting the right person at the right place at the exact right time. I believe that wholeheartedly. I even laugh sometimes and say "Ok God I got you..thank you" and keep going.

Tuesday was a good and restful day. It ended with the guy I've been seeing texting me and asking me how I felt. I told him scared. He said it's not the cancer that is going to kill you it's the worrying you do. You cant change what's going to happen so stop worrying. Again, it was exactly what I needed to hear right then so I know God put him there to give me that message. After that I relaxed. I had a big day ahead of me the next day.

Monday, January 10, 2011- Day 7

I woke up at 5 am as I have been doing for over a week now. I'm not sure why I keep waking up at this hour. I pray and meditate before I get up and then I get up and write and get ready for my day. I always wait til the next day to write about the day before in case anything happens during the night that I might want to mention. But last night was quiet so I'll just tell you about the hospital visit.

So this day I get ready just before 7 and head on the bus back to the subway station. Somewhere on the bus ride a wave of sadness hit me. I had been fine all weekend so this sadness kinda took me by surprise. I think it was simply that I was dreading going back to the hospital. The hospital is starting to symbolize something negative to me so having to keep going there upsets me. I send a request out to my FB family to send me some love & positive energy & thankfully they do which helps tremendously. It's hard for me to admit needing help right now. I am fiercely and ferociously independent so for me to lean on others is new for me and very difficult. But right now I do it because it does help. By the time I get to the subway I feel a little better. A quote comes to me in my head and I believe it is God telling me that I need to be strong first before I seek it in others. The quotes I have written over the last few days have been original thoughts. They come to me as I am sitting someplace. I am sure they are God's way of reminding me to be brave and enjoy the life he has given me. So even though I asked for some encouraging words from others, He reminded me to look inside myself first and I would find it. As I typed the quote as it was coming to me, I found it. So on my train ride in I started to calm down. I spoke with my sister briefly and arrived at the hospital just before 8:30 for an 8:45 appt. I'm not sure where I'm going but the reception desk tells me to go up the stairs to the 2nd floor and check-in with radiology. Radiology is at the top of the stairs to the left so I give them my referral, my ID and my insurance card and wait to be called up. They call me up and give me cards back and tell me to have a seat and I'll be called. About 10 mins later a nurse comes out to get me and she takes me back to get undressed from the waist up and put all my clothing in a big and sit in this small waiting area. Fortunately I have been wearing sweat pants for over a week now. They arent just comfortable and convenient but for some reason whenever I get x-rays they also let me keep them on..so new lesson for everyone if you ever have to go through this...wear sweatpants. Just makes it easier on everyone. So I have all my clothes in 2 bags at my feet as I wait for them to come get me. The nurse comes back and she tells me I need to have my blood sugar levels tested first. She sits me in a room with a nurse and as I'm seated she searches for a vein while the other nurse asks questions. Height, weight, pregnancy, surgery in last 12 mos, etc. I dont know why but I'm in an upbeat mood so I make jokes with the 3 nurses in the room. I have to stay upbeat or I'm going to be depressed over this and that wont help at all. The nurse at my right arm is having a problem finding a vein. They just arent cooperating this morning. I havent ate or drank since midnight so I think being dehydrated isnt helping. I show her my battle scars of pin pricks from Friday to show I had the same problem then. She proceeds to have the same problem and after 3 tries she gives up and lets a 2nd nurse try. The 2nd nurse goes to my left arm which never cooperates (the veins are big in my right and hidden in the left..have only ever had blood drawn once in my life from my left arm). She gives up and moves to the back of my left hand I beg her not to do it..the ones in the hands hurt so bad, but she says she has to and pricks my hand for the blood sugar test. I wince in pain but she gets the blood she needs. They test and my blood sugar level comes back in the normal range 123 (of course it does, I'm not diabetic as I'd already told them). The back of my hand is in so much pain & I can see it is instantly bruising..sigh..oh well. She goes back to my right arm because she must put an IV line in for the test I'm having done today. Today I'm having both a PET scan and a CT scan. This will examine all the organs on the inside of my body to detect if the cancer has spread to any other areas. The IV line will be used to pump in radioactive material which will help my organs show up better on the images. Unfortunately once again the nurse is having a problem finding a vein. It takes her 3 tries but she finally gets the IV in. After all the pricking they've done to me I'm already tired. I keep me spirits up though, I have to keep a sense of humor about it even though I have 7 prick marks from the last 2 days of testing. The first nurse who brought me in walks me down the hall. She asks me questions about my breast cancer and how I found it. I tell her the story as we head down a short hallway and stop in a room that has just a lounge chair in it. Next to the lounge chair is a radio and a timer set to 20 mins. She tells me that a technician will be in soon named Marissa who will help me through the next stage and just to have a seat. She explains that this is where they will give me the material I must take for the test and that during this part I must sit still and wait, but Marissa would explain it better. I say ok. She asks what radio station I want to listen to. I ask her if I can have my ipod. She brings my coat and I get it out and but my phone back in the pocket. She tells me to have a good day and Marissa would be in shortly. She leaves and I sit back just listening to my ipod. Marissa comes in a few minutes later and begins to explain what is going to happen. She says she must first flush the IV line in my arm with saline then she will pump glucose into my arm. The glucose is so my organs will glow on the PET scan. After she injects the glucose I must stay still for 45 mins so the glucose can travel through my blood stream. If I move, my muscles may feed on the glucose and they would have to start over again. I'm limited to just moving my arms but cannot get up or move around at all. Understood. She then proceeds to sit down 2 16 oz bottles in front of me. She explains that this is barium sulfate. She would set the timer for 20 mins and when the timer goes off I must drink the 2 bottles of barium. This is so my entire intestinal tract will glow on the PET scan. Gotcha. She then gets the saline and begins to inject it in my arm. I wince in terrible pain. She asks is it burning. I tell her no it just feels like pressure is building up. She says she can feel the fluid moving so it must be that my veins are small and that the pressure I'm feeling is the fluid having a hard time moving through the small vein. When she goes to inject the glucose I dont feel the pressure again so the saline must've opened up the vein. She injects more saline after the glucose to push it through the body. Since it took a little extra time to get the fluid in she tells me I must now wait an extra 5 mins. Ok fine. Now she sets the timer and I turn my iPod back on and sit back with my eyes closed. Every so often I look at the clock or look at the timer then close my eyes again. I'm sitting in a recliner with my feet up with no tv or anything to watch so really there is nothing else to do. At minute 20 I hear the timer go off and I pick up the first bottle of barium she has opened. It has a straw in it and I start to drink. Barium sulfate is the most disgusting tasting liquid I have had the unfortune of tasting. Ok maybe prune juice is worse but this stuff taste terrible and it is making me very nauseous. I know I have to finish it and keep it down or we will have to start all over so I drink it down in big gulps and then pause when the nausea hits me so I can keep it from coming back up. It takes about 10 minutes to finish both bottles this way but I'm glad when it is over. I sit back for my last 15 mins with my eyes closed trying not to concentrate on the sick feeling in my stomach. Marissa finally comes in to get me and she walks me to the bathroom first before taking me into the CT room. Now for those who have never seen a PET/CT scanner it resembles a MRI machine but it is wider in the center and it is open on both ends. Thank goodness for that at least. She positions me on the scan bed..I will lie face up with my arms above my head and my feet elevated. She tells me I must lie perfectly still even when ti seems they arent scanning me or they will have to start over. She then slides me in slow and tells me to close my eyes as they put a red laser line on me to mark where I'm going in the machine. They get me lined up and then Marissa puts another blanket on me (these scan rooms are kept extremely cold so I'm shivering) and then leaves the room. The scanning begins and I'm slid back and forth out both ends of the machine for several passes and then finally out the back end where the machine seems to just stop. The first nurse had told me that the PET/CT scanner had been down all weekend so now I'm worried it has broken again. I dont move though I just lay there and after about 10 mins the machine pulls me back in a few feet. 10 more mins pass and it pulls me back in a few more feet. 10 more and a few more feet..so on and so forth till I'm completely back in the machine. During this time I am becoming more and more aware that I desperately need to go to the bathroom. After 40 mins or so I'm completely in and then I'm brought back out the front end and by now I have to go the bathroom so bad I can barely lay still. Marissa asks can I hold it, the CT scan portion I'm having now only takes a couple of minutes and if I get up now she will have to put more of the radioactive material in for the CT scan. I try to lay there but I finally tell her no I must really go right now. She helps me up and I run to the bathroom. I come back and she helps me lay down on the bed again, this time facing the opposite direction so that my feet will go in first. She explains that during this last test she is going to pump in a fluid that is going to make me feel hot all over all the way down to my pelvis. She tells me to slide down on the scan bed til my feet are hanging off the edge. Takes a couple of tries but I get to the right position for the scanner line to line up properly. She then pumps saline in the IV line to clear it, which again makes me feel pressure in my arm, she rubs my arm which helps a little. She connects the fluid she must pump in and turns it on. After a second I feel a hot sensation from my arm to my head down my chest all the way to my groin area. How odd. She tells me the scanner will talk to me and give me instructions for this final test. I say ok and she leaves the room and the machine begins. For the CT scan I must hold my breath for 20 seconds each time the machine tells me to and then breathe out when it tells me to. It does this for about 3 or 4 passes. While I'm holding my breath I'm being scanned. While I'm breathing normal it is not. After the final pass Marissa comes back in and asks me who my doctor is. I tell her and she says ok well the results are online so he can see everything now. I tell her ok..she then tells me I'm done. She pulls off the bandages from early and pulls out the IV line..she puts a bandage on and tells me not to take it off for awhile as she's afraid the way the line was put in it may bleed out. Ahh lovely. After that she helps me up and walks me into the hall with my belongings and tells me I can go get dressed and leave. She tells me the last material she pumped in will dehydrate me so drink plenty of water all day to help flush it out my body. I get back dressed and decide to ask admissions is there any paperwork I can fill out today for my appointment on Wednesday. They tell me to have a seat and wait. I go buy a bottle of water to try to get this nasty taste out my mouth and to do as Marissa said of flushing my system. During the wait I call my sister in law Carla and tell her what has happened and that I'm done for the day. It is now only a little after 11 so I'm happy it didnt take all day but the barium has me feeling very sick to my stomach. After 20 mins I go back to admissions for them to tell me that they cant give me any paperwork that day just the day of my procedure. Oh well. I leave the hospital and head home. I eat different things all day trying to get the taste off my tongue and the nauseous feeling to pass. I dont know which of the 3 drugs they pumped in me caused it, but I end up having diarrhea that night (sorry to have to share that but it's reality of what I'm going through). My back is in screaming pain all day so I end up taking some advil PM around 9 pm and sleep pretty much through the night.

Sunday, January 9, 2011- Day 6

Today was the most relaxed day of the week for me. I spoke with a couple of family members and friends via text and calls but mostly I relaxed in bed sleeping and watching football. I text the guy I've been seeing (the reason I'm not saying his name is cuz right now til he earns it he doesnt deserve his name mentioned) and just let him know that I need his love more than anything right now and if he cannot step up and do that then we wont survive this together. I would've been scared to say that before, but I'm ok with that now cuz that's how I honestly feel. I told him I will just pray and left it at that. I didnt hear back from him again so who knows. I text both my sister-in-laws and let them know I love them both very much. I love both my sister-in-laws. To me they are my sisters. If I had gone out and hand picked 2 women for my brothers to marry I couldnt have done better for them. May is sweet and quiet, hardworking and very loving. She has been married to my brother James for 11 years and through everything they love each other dearly. Carla is deeply spiritual, sweet, calming, peaceful, extremely loving and caring. She has been married to my brother Robert for over 1 year and the sense of calm tranquility she brings to his life makes me smile. I see them like I see my own blood family. I wanted to remind them of that today so I text them both and they both replied.

I have a touch of a cold. I think being back and forth in the hospital all week being exposed to all those yucky germs in the hospital is what caused it. I will have to fight it off or they wont let me start chemotherapy on Thurs. I have been resting and sleeping alot to try to help feel better. Sleep has always been one of my favorite activities so I enjoy sleeping alot. On weekends it has become my favorite thing to do. I have a feeling I will be doing it alot more coming up. Guess we'll see on that.

All in all it was just a quiet peaceful Sunday. It may be my last for awhile so I'm glad I got to just lay around and enjoy it.

Saturday January 8, 2011- Day 5

The weekend is time away from the hospital. I'm thankful for that though it is not time away from my thoughts. I dont want everyone to think that I'm always thinking negative or that I've given up my fight and just accepted death as inevitable. This is not the case at all. I am a strong woman, a warrior, a fighter. I have alot to live for and alot left to accomplish in my life. I did not see where the road went left instead of right, I doubt anyone ever does, but it has happened and I must accept that this is now the journey I am on. I'd be lying to you if I said I'm not afraid..I am..extremely..but I meditate and pray and I know that it's not my time yet to go. There is a reason why this has happened, though I do not understand that reason yet. Everything happens for a reason, even the negative things. I must have faith that God will see me through even the hardest times. I have dreams, aspirations, goals. I have school to finish and become a sports journalist working for the NFL Network. Interviewing players and filing reports that go on air. I have nieces & nephews to watch grow up. There is too much left to do for this to be the end so please know I am fighting this with everything I have inside of me. The hard days are just that..hard days..but not the acceptance of the end nor a reason to give up this fight.

Today was the first day this week I didnt cry. I know that sounds like that's not a big accomplishment but after a week straight of crying, it was for me. I decided to cut all my hair off today. I have been told chemo is going to make it fall out & I refuse to accept that. I dont want to be 1 of those people who hang onto those 3 strands of hair hoping no one notices or maybe to make themselves feel better about losing it. I dont know their reasoning but a warrior doesnt accept the conditions that the battle brings to them. The warrior sets the conditions. So if cancer wants to start a fight with me, believe me I'm ready. I've taken off my heels and my earrings and I'm ready to kick its ass! Rat bastard thinks it's going to catch me slipping..no fool, you got the wrong one here. Somebody gave you the wrong information. I go into every situation ready to fight til the bitter end..however it ends. I started school on academic probation..I had 1 semester to get it together or I would be booted out of school. I graduated from Strayer with a 3.85 gpa so needless to say I won that fight. I'm an intellect..I think things out. I fight with my mind first then the body. I will say this though..cancer has given me a new appreciation for life. I enjoy the stupid little things now. I got up this morning and took a shower. After more than 48 hours of not being able to do it, it felt so good to just stand there in the water. Of course silly me forgot to take the bandages off first so when I got out the shower I had to have my roommate help me take the one out my armpit off which of course being wet, fell apart and peeled off in pieces which took forever to get off..ugh. New lesson learned on that one..bandages off first!

On my way to the hairdresser my cousin and I stopped and got lunch first. We went to Friendlys so I got a brownie sundae for dessert. This is another small thing that gives me great pleasure. I have been told there is a possibility I will lose my sense of taste along with my appetite during chemotherapy. So for now I enjoy the taste of sweets especially ice cream. I eat it slow and savor the taste. So lesson for the day kiddies..enjoy the simple pleasures in life. So I went to the hairdresser and she is sad to hear that I'm cutting all my long pretty hair off. I have been growing for more than 12 years now so trust me it wasnt an easy decision nor 1 that I wanted to make, but since it is an inevitable part of this journey anyway I wanted to be able to control how it was going to look atleast for now. Once I told her, she understood and she proceeded to cut my hair down very short. I actually showed her a picture of the guy I've been seeing whose hair is the same texture as mine and beautiful but short as an example of the way I wanted it cut. Somewhere between his and Amber Rose I tell her. She cuts it that short. It is very cute. I want to color it blonde but since it was washed first before it was cut she tells me I have to wait atleast 48 hours. So we'll see. Maybe it will be some funky color before chemo starts..I dont know yet. I'm still getting used to short hair. I'm not a short hair person though it does look cute on me. I like long hair. I take a pic and post it on Facebook and I send it to my family. My father, who loves my long hair, takes it the hardest. I know this is hard for him, this whole journey I'm making but we will get through this. I feel like this journey will bring my family closer together in some ways and will make me appreciate all the beautiful wonderful loving sweet friends I have in my life. It will also make me see some for who and how they really are unfortunately and may for some make me pull back a little. Such is life.

Last night the guy I've been seeing called. He hadnt text all day so I had just accepted where we were. But when I heard his ringtone I tried at first to not answer but I did. I've been seeing him for 2 years so shaking him wont be easy. We talk a little..I send him a pic of my hair..all he says is that it's really short (no duh). Between calls (about 3 of them) I text him and tell him how I feel about our situation. He doesnt respond but I know he's getting them. I dont have it in me to care anymore whether it works out or not (ok that's a lie..I do but I cant focus on it), but I do love him and I just hope whatever is supposed to happen between us still happens. I leave that part in God's hands. I have a fight ahead of me and anything that falls by the way side now is just going to have to fall away.

All in all it was a good day to be alive and I appreciate that I got to see it.

Friday January 7, 2011-Day 4

My cousin Lisa is one of those take charge no nonsense type people that you either love or hate. It happens that I love her even when she drives me crazy. Right now as my head is swimming with dates, times, locations, tests, etc her take charge personality is helping me. She is planning out meals, etc. I mention getting my hair cut and she plans an appt for me. This is how she is and I love her for it especially now when most days I cant even remember what day it is. I have no sense of time, date, day anything. I sleep fitfully sometimes I pass out in utter exhaustion and sleep, other times I may catch little more than a cat nap and be up at the crack of dawn. I lay in bed hoping I'll fall back asleep but as my brain comes into consciousness the thoughts creep in and I'm wide awake and crying by 5 am. I guess maybe that's why I start this blog. So I can give myself time to focus on something other than the sad moments and to express all I'm going through and feeling. To share with you all what this journey is like for me. For now there are ok moments..ones where I can talk or laugh but mostly there are lots of bad moments. The moments where I can cry my eyes out for hours. Crying spells come on anywhere-in the bed, in the shower, on the train, in the hospital, in the waiting room, wherever. I dont try to make myself not cry..right now I dont care who sees me. If they knew what I was going through they would understand. So this morning I get up and finally start writing my blog. Telling what I've been going through and feeling each day. This is not easy. I have no script or nothing planned I want to say, I'm just writing. It is my therapy. I write as long as I can but I get tired easily now. I think all the poking and prodding just wears on me both physically and mentally and by the time I leave the hospital each day I've had enough. I dont want to keep talking to everyone. I leave texts and voicemails unanswered for days. I just cant find the energy to keep talking about it over and over. I'm mentally drained.

Today my dad picked me up and took me to the care center again. On the ride in I tell him about the blog and explain to him my thoughts about death. He tells me he understands and he would be surprised if I told him I hadnt thought about it. I tell him what's in the blog and what I want and he nods. I explain I understand how people feel at the end when they say they dont want to go through anymore treatment because all the tests, blood drawn, fluids pumped in, tissue samples, physicals, etc start to wear on you and you just cant keep going through it. I can tell he's starting to get upset so I stop talking. We arrive at the center by a little after 9 which gives me time to go to the breast care center and get a prescription for a sedative so I can handle doing the MRI for a 2nd time in 3 days. I get the prescription and go to the pharmacy to get it filled. I then call pre-registration who needs me to call before every major appt to provide all my insurance and contact info. I take my first sedative (1 taken an hour before 1 taken 15 mins before) and head down to the MRI dept. I check in and wait again for Ashley in the MRI dept. She comes out and hands me the same paperwork from the previous day and tells me to fill it out again. I do and I sit and wait. They take me back to MRI where unfortunately this time they will not allow my father in the room because I'm having a biopsy performed. I'm told to strip just from the waist up this time and have a seat while they search for a vein to put in my IV line again. At this point I pop the 2nd sedative and wait while it kicks in. Despite having remembered to drink fluids this time, the nurse cannot find a vein. After 3 unsuccessful attempts of poking me and making me bleed, she calls another nurse in who quickly finds a vein in my right hand puts in some lidocaine and inserts the IV line into my hand (these veins hurt much worse than the ones in the arms). With the line in, they walk me into the MRI room. The sedatives have started to kick in thankfully and they help me into the machine again. This time as I'm slid into the machine I fall asleep. The buzzing is far away now maybe in a dream. I come into semi conscious only when they pull me out and start to mark and biopsy my breast. I can feel the tugging but only slightly as I'm still heavily sedated. As they finish up I start to come around a little though I'm still tired. When they bring me out the machine I feel my back in screaming pain. I dont think I can lay flat on my stomach like that for that long because the pain is unbearable. It takes a while before I can move as the nurse is still applying pressure to my right breast and my back hurts too much to even bend my legs and sit up. The pain finally subsides enough for me to be able to sit up while they go get bandages. They remove the IV line from my hand and put surtures on my breast and a bandage. They then bring me out the room and bandage my entire upper torso. I imagine as the lidocaine wears off I'll know why this has been done. The only problem is now I have to figure out how to have my EKG with my torso bandaged. I leave MRI and go to mammography to have more shots taken of them post biopsy. They take 2 shots and then I get dressed and grab my dad so we can head up to radiology.

I get to radiology at 12:50 which means thankfully I made it in time for my 1:15 appt. They take down all my info again and I sit in the waiting area waiting for the radiologist to call me. 10 mins later he calls me and brings me to an exam room. I proceed to show him my bandages. He looks shocked. I explain I can get them off but would he be able to help me get them back on after. He says sure. So I take them off and we do my EKG. Now one good thing about me is I have a strong heart. I workout on a regular so it is healthy and normal. I watch it on the screen as it beats. I dont like the EKG though because he presses so hard on my chest so he can take clear pictures. After 15 mins he is finished and we proceed to try to rebandage my chest. We do a horrible job but oh well I want to get the hell out of this hospital. The week is over and I'm done with my appts for this week thankfully. I get dressed and leave with my dad. My dad and I go to breakfast and afterwards I want to just go home and sleep. The week ahead is going to be even more difficult than my first one has been. I only pray that I'll be ready for it.

Thursday January 6, 2011- Day 3

Day 3 I have to go back in at 1 pm to the ambulatory care center to the mammogram area and have a ultrasound guided biopsy done on the lymph node under my arm pit and an ultra sound on an area they think they see on the MRI yesterday. I have to go the breast care center first to get a referral first than provide that along with my insurance and ID (every visit). They send me back to the mammogram area to wait. They scheduled me as a "Add-On" for 1 pm so they will fit me into their schedule. I have the EKG rescheduled for 3:30 pm so I figure I have plenty of time to get from 1 to the other. Boy was I wrong. The mammography department leaves me waiting for 2 1/2 hours so I dont get the biopsy started til the time for the EKG. I ask them can they call radiology and let them know I was in the building and that I would be up shortly to get the EKG. Unfortunately no one knew the number and by the time someone found it they had closed up and I had to be rescheduled once again. But I digress..let me explain the biopsy done this time.

This time instead of taking samples of tissues from the lump, they are now taking samples of tissue from the lymph node in my armpit. The difference being that while the lidocaine worked well numbing my breast it seems to have no effect on my armpit and I'm in pain as Dr Brem-the raidologist- draws the tissue samples. She then does an ultrasound on the rest of the breast looking for this 2nd area where they think they see a lump. As I'm watching the only thing I notice away from the lump is something that may be a shadow. Dr Brem says it's inconclusive if it's a tumor or not so I will have to come back the next day and have a MRI guided biopsy. Meaning if you kept count that I will be have my 3rd biopsy in less than a week. I get dressed and I wait as Dr. Brem talks to the women in MRI. Ashley from the MRI dept comes over to talk to me to tell me to be there at 10 am the next day as I have been scheduled for 10:45 am. I will need to fill out more paperwork and see my breast care doctor about getting a sedative to get through the MRI again. I nod and head up to the 4th floor to talk with the head scheduler Debbie in Radiology again about rescheduling my EKG again. I explained to her what happened and that I had been in the hospital at the time. She says ok and puts me down for the next day at 1:15. Hopefully I will finish my MRI in time to get to the EKG this time. By now it's nearly 5 pm and I've spent another half day here so I'm ready to go. I head home on the train and once again start returning calls and emails I've received. There has been some issues with my family I wont discuss and some friends are taking it harder than I expected but I'm just glad I have everyone contacting me. As I arrive home I text the guy I've been seeing and his replies are plain, vague, I try to get more but he changes the subject. I finally ask if he wants me to just stop and he says yes. I text him this is his loss not mine and stop texting him. I dont return anymore text from him. Right now my brain has to focus on getting through this I cant focus on those who cannot or will not make this journey with me. I wont waste that kind of energy. I call my dad and ask him to come with me the next day to the MRI guided biopsy the next day and he agrees to come get me before 9 am. I fall asleep shortly after that with a new day ahead.

Wednesday January 5, 2011- Day 2

I had taken some advil pm and some alteril the night before but hadnt slept. I am tired and my eyes are puffy from crying for almost a day straight. I get out the bed early and get dressed and ready to head back down to George Washington Hospital Ambulatory Care Center. It's a block from the hospital itself and this is where most of what I'm going through will occur. I still havent heard from the people about the port being installed but everything else is scheduled for now. Today I have a MRI and an EKG scheduled. I wanted someone with me for the MRI because if you have never seen one this thing is scary. Basically you lay in a coffin like machine with loud buzzing in your ears where you cant move a muscle for 45 mins straight while it scans your body. I want someone there because I know after awhile I'm going to get freaked out. Even if you're not claustrophobic, being trapped like this for nearly an hour straight can wear on anyone. As I'm waiting my phone continuously goes off. My family and the guy I've been seeing have been texting and calling me nonstop. I appreciate that I have so much love surrounded me but right now while I'm in the hospital I dont want to talk to them. I fill out paperwork and so does my sister in law..they need to screen her as well before she can come in the room with me. I'm glad she is with me. Carla has this light and positive energy about her that has a way of calming anyone but especially me. She is the one person I can always talk to who never judges or criticizes just listens and understands. Right now it's exactly what I need. For the MRI I must strip down to just my panties and remove all my jewelry. You dont realize how much jewelry you have till you have to remove it all. I put on a gown and wait while they go get Carla. They bring her in and she removes her jewelry and waits while they put an IV in my right arm to feed the blue ink that will be injected into my right breast. This will be done for the contrast so the area of the tumor shows up different from the rest of my breast on MRI. It takes awhile because I havent eaten or drank anything so my veins are small..I'm getting all the appts mixed up on which ones I can eat or drink or cant so I dont eat or drink before all of them which I will learn is a mistake for this one. Lesson learned. They finally get the IV in and we all go into the MRI room. They get me situated on the MRI-I must lie face down with my breast through 2 slots. I must lie perfectly still. They give me and Carla earplugs for the loud buzzing that will start when the machine begins. Carla touches my hand and I squeeze it trying to reassure myself even as I start crying again. She whispers "I'm right here..go to your happy place..it'll be ok." They slide me into the machine and it begins. For 45 mins straight I must lie perfectly still my head turned to the left while the machine moves me back and forth performing scans over and over and over again. By minute 20 I know I'm starting to lose it. My back is starting to hurt and I start crying. I think to myself this is what my dead body will be like inside a coffin because that's the sensation I have. I dont like this feeling. I vow that I will never let myself be buried. I want to be cremated and my ashses scattered..I never want this confined feeling again..I want to be free. I dont know why that's where my mind goes but that's where it is at the time. Death has become a constant thought. It is with me wherever I am now. I'm not afraid in so much as I'm disappointed that this may be it for me. Yes that is the reality that has set in. I know some may read that and take it hard but I have accepted that it may happen. I'm not wishing it or wanting it, I just have to accept it just like the rest of this journey. My prognosis is good of course, they are very optimisitic they have caught it in time for me to make a full recovery, but I would be foolish not to think that death isnt a possibility. So as I'm laying in the MRI this is what is with me. I am planning out my creamation, where I want my ashes scattered (in the sands of Egypt or in the waters off the coast of the Bahamas), I dont want a funeral just a small service where people can remember me fondly, no tears, just smiles and laughter. I dont want flowers or cards- I want people to make donations in my name to American Cancer Society and Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I want a scholarship started in my name at the University of Tennessee for a female journalism major interested in sports journalism. My life insurance should go to my family, my roommate and the guy I've been seeing..I want the folks with kids to be helped first. Minute after minute the time passes and I plan out every detail in my head. I dont tell this to Carla, I dont want to upset her that this is what I'm thinking about right now. When they pump the blue ink into my breast I start crying again and I hear Carla's voice reminding me she's right there. It is comforting to hear her even as I hear the sloshing of the liquid and my arm going cold. I taste a metalic taste in my mouth but maybe it's just in my head..I dont know. They tell me they are taking the final shots now and just relax it's almost over. Thank goodness..I dont think I notice how much time has passed because of my planning. The last shots are taken and they come to get me out the machine. I get up and hug Carla and get dressed. I ask them when will I hear the results. They tell me the radiologist will call me later after they get the results. I say ok and leave with Carla. I have to come back at 5:30 this evening for my EKG so I stay with Carla and Rob at their house so we can come back. I get so spend time with my brother's 2 youngest kids Robbie and Tatiana which helps me feel better. Tati is 3 weeks old and looks like me as a baby which makes me smile and Robbie is a 2 year old who is a clown who always makes me laugh. After all I'm going through the time with them is the most precious and best. I havent slept so at some point I lay down and doze off a little. As I doze off my phone rings and the radiologist proceeds to tell me they found something on the other side of my breast (the tumor is on the inside part of my right breast, they think they see something on the outside towards my armpit) and the test on my lymph nodes came back inconclusive so I must come back the next day at 1 pm and have a biopsy done on my lymph node and a sonogram of the area they think they see. I say ok and hang up the phone. I lay back down for awhile and at 4 we head back to the hospital. The guy I've been seeing keeps calling..I like that he calls so much it makes me feel better and he text in between calls. He isnt talking about anything but just listening to him is soothing. The trip to the hospital ends up disastrous as we get stuck in traffic and I dont arrive until 6:15 pm. I explain to the nurse what happened and she reschedules me for the next day at 3:30 since I'll already be at the hospital at 1. I part ways with my family and head home on the subway. The subway ride is my time to relax. I cry, I listen to music, I text, I rest, but now I also constantly have to return calls. I know I need to start telling my friends. So on the train ride home I begin to text them 1 by 1 and give them the news. The reactions range from anger (at the cancer not me), to sadness, to pity, to helplessness. I feel bad that I have told them and hurt some of them, but right now I need their support and love and prayers so I ask them for just that right now. I am overwhelmed by how many get back to me immediately and give me so much love and support. Despite my heartache I know I have good folks who love and care about me and they will be here for me through this journey. That night I pass out in utter exhaustion at 9 pm. I wake up at 5 am and have so many missed calls and texts. I text the guy I've been seeing because I know he's at work and apologize for missing his call but he says it's fine. As we talk I feel a change coming over our conversation. What once seemed loving and supportive now seems distant and cold. When I talk about it some of what he's saying makes me realize things our changing and not for the best. I feel like he is growing distant from me..maybe the cancer scares him I dont know and wont speculate but I'm aware that this will be the first casualty of my cancer. I cry a few sad tears but I cant focus on him and the loss of him now with what I'm already dealing with. I have another day of treatment ahead of me.

Tuesday January 4, 2011-Day 1

I guess this isnt technically day one if you consider how many months I had felt the lump, but this is the day I found out, but before I begin I'll give you a little background.

My mind thinks back now on the the times I felt a pinching in my chest before I even felt a lump and wondering now if that was an early warning. I cant kick myself now for not having it checked out. I have never had a mammogram prior to this point so I dont know to go get one at 37. They tell you at age 40 to begin to go annually so I dont know. I have no family history of breast cancer and no pre-existing conditions and I'm not a smoker so I just do my monthly self exams. I never knew what I was looking for..I mean they just tell you a lump, but if you dont know what a lump feels like how do you know when you do or dont have one? I cant tell you that now. All I can tell you is I know how my breasts normally feel and when I started to feel this thing it didnt feel how my normal breast tissue felt. I monitored it for a few months thinking ok I'm 37 now, maybe it's just the normal breast tissue breaking down and this is how it's going to feel. But as time progressed I realized it was getting bigger and fast. I finally schedule my annual exam. During my exam I tell my OB/GYN about the concern in my right breast. She does the exam and says she feels it to and tells me I need to go have a mammogram done. I go the following week and have a mammogram and sure enough a large mass shows up on the film. By this time it is the size of a golf ball. On the sonogram done after the mammogram it shows up as a large black spot on the screen. They send me back to my OB/GYN who tells me I must get a biopsy done of the black spot. The next week I get an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy. Basically they numb my right breast and stick a long needle down into the lump and pull out samples of tissue. They also do a needle aspiration of the lymph node under my right arm pit and remove fluid. Both will be tested for the detection of cancer cells. I will come back in a week for the results. This is where the journey begins.

My day started normal enough. We had been off the week before for the holidays so it's only my 2nd day back to work. I'm leaving half a day to go back to the doctor's to find out the results. I'm a little nervous, but my boss has told me she has had 2 lumpectomies in the past, neither cancerous so I'll be ok and not to worry about it. So for the most part I'm not so worried, I'm thinking everything will be ok. I leave my office and head to the doctor's. So now I sit in the doctor's waiting room in just a gown over my torso. My doctor- Dr Anita McSwain at the Breast Care Center at George Washington University Hospital- comes into the room and looks at me. She simply says "unfortunately I dont have good news..you have breast cancer." She tells me to get dressed and she will go get the social worker and we will meet in the consultation area. I am numb..I am in shock..I feel cold. I know I heard her but my brain cant wrap around the concept of what she is telling me. I get dressed and wait for her. They sit me in the consultation room and then the social worker comes in. She tells me her name but I know I'm not hearing her. Nothing is sinking in right now. My doctor finally comes in and she brings a chart with her explaining what kind of cancer I have. I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It is the most common form of breast cancer diagnosed. She tells me I have 2 treatment options at this point. The first is a mastectomy where they will remove my entire right breast, underlying muscle and lymph nodes. All I can do is shake my head at her. The second is a lumpectomy with chemotherapy and radiation treatment. I nod my head and now the reality of what is being said starts to sink in. I burst into tears. They try to console me but how do you console someone who has just been told they have cancer? Unless you've had it you cant begin to understand the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach now. My doctor says she will call the oncologist to see if he is available to meet with me now. She gets up and leaves the room and in the meantime the social worker keeps trying to comfort me. She hands me her card and information on group therapy. She tells me most of the people in her group are older. She asks me about family history I shake my head..she asks if I'm a smoker..I shake my head. She leaves for a minute and I proceed to call my job and tell them I wont be back the rest of the week, I have just been informed I have breast cancer. My co-worker is in shock but says she will let my boss know and not to worry about it. I hang up the phone as the social worker comes back in the room. My doctor comes back and tells me the oncologist can meet with me and sends me to the first floor. The social worker comes with me up to the oncology department. She sits with me at first but then has to leave. I sit in the waiting area just crying. I know I'm upsetting the patients and the staff but I dont care right now. My whole life has changed. A nurse calls me up and tells me they need to take my vitals and draw blood first before I meet with the oncologist. As I'm waiting to have my blood drawn a woman walks past me with a hat on her head and I can see all her hair is falling out. I know she is going through chemotherapy so I start to cry again. This is my future I'm looking at and that just kills me inside. The nurse with me sees me crying and hugs me telling me it will be ok. Will it? You cant promise me that lady..you dont know. After my blood is drawn they take me back to check my weight, height, blood pressure and pulse. I'm in the exam room having my pressure checked and the nurse asks me if I take blood pressure medicine because my pressure is elevated. Lady I just found out 20 mins ago I have breast cancer, of course my pressure is elevated and my pulse is racing! She apologizes. I know she may not have been aware but it was just too much. She leaves and I wait for the oncologist. While I'm waiting my job calls. It is my boss. I tell her what is going on. I can hear the compassion in her voice. She says she understands she has a friend who has gone through this and not to worry about work, things will be worked out. During this crisis it is nice to know I have a great boss and a good job that cares about me. She tells me if I want she will put me in touch with her friend. As we're talking the oncologist- Dr Tabbarra- walks in. I wrap up the call and hang up. He has 2 med students with him and do I mind if they sit in while I go through the consultation. I shake my head..I dont know if it was I didnt care or I'm still too heartbroken to notice little things like med students sitting in the corner. The oncologist explains that because of the size of my tumor they will be starting me with chemotherapy not a lumpectomy. The tumor is so big that if they removed it now I would lose atleast half my breast. I shake my head. He tells me that the chemo sometimes shrinks a tumor down to microscopic so that surgery isnt even necessary. He says he wont promise me this but even if they shrink it down to half the size I wouldnt lose so much of my breast. I nod at him. He tells me I will need to go through a battery of test first- a PET scan, a MRI scan, blood work, another biopsy, EKG. I will need to also have a port installed where the chemo drugs will be inserted. This will go into my chest itself. He asks me if I've ever known someone to go through chemo..I tell him yes my step-mother did in the late 80s early 90s but she's dead now. He tells me chemo is much different than it was then..I wont get it in the arm but directly into my chest. He says it avoids some of the burns that used to happen to patients in the past. "Unfortunately in the process of killing the cancer says some normal says will die. Your hair will fall out." I cry again. He says that they give a booster shot the day after chemo to keep the white blood cell count high to try to avoid illness but expect to be weak and tired the first few days after chemo. He asks me what days are best and tells me most patients choose Thursday as their chemo day and get their booster on Friday so they have the weekend to recover and feel better. I tell him those days are fine. He tells me I will begin next Thursday. That fast? He says as aggressive as my cancer is they want to start immediately. They cant tell me yet how long I will be on chemo, he wont know that till I complete all the test and he gets the results back. He says next Thursday before the chemo begins I will meet with him and we will talk about all of that. I nod at him. He leaves and I go back out to meet with the scheduler who puts me down for all the test I will need to take in the next week and a half. As I'm leaving the hospital I start to tell my family, my roommate and the guy I've been seeing. Everyone seems to take it..hard..some more than others. My sister in law ask is there anything she can do for me. I have a MRI and an EKG scheduled for the next day, can she come with me. She says yes she will. I tell her the time and ask her to meet me at the ambulatory center the next day. She says ok. I head home on the subway and after a few more calls letting my family know I sob hysterically to my roommate and collapse in exhaustion on the bed. I dont sleep..I lie in bed tossing and turning. I text the guy I've been seeing since he works night shift and I know he's up. He talks to me and keeps me company while I wait for daybreak and a new day to begin.