I guess this isnt technically day one if you consider how many months I had felt the lump, but this is the day I found out, but before I begin I'll give you a little background.
My mind thinks back now on the the times I felt a pinching in my chest before I even felt a lump and wondering now if that was an early warning. I cant kick myself now for not having it checked out. I have never had a mammogram prior to this point so I dont know to go get one at 37. They tell you at age 40 to begin to go annually so I dont know. I have no family history of breast cancer and no pre-existing conditions and I'm not a smoker so I just do my monthly self exams. I never knew what I was looking for..I mean they just tell you a lump, but if you dont know what a lump feels like how do you know when you do or dont have one? I cant tell you that now. All I can tell you is I know how my breasts normally feel and when I started to feel this thing it didnt feel how my normal breast tissue felt. I monitored it for a few months thinking ok I'm 37 now, maybe it's just the normal breast tissue breaking down and this is how it's going to feel. But as time progressed I realized it was getting bigger and fast. I finally schedule my annual exam. During my exam I tell my OB/GYN about the concern in my right breast. She does the exam and says she feels it to and tells me I need to go have a mammogram done. I go the following week and have a mammogram and sure enough a large mass shows up on the film. By this time it is the size of a golf ball. On the sonogram done after the mammogram it shows up as a large black spot on the screen. They send me back to my OB/GYN who tells me I must get a biopsy done of the black spot. The next week I get an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy. Basically they numb my right breast and stick a long needle down into the lump and pull out samples of tissue. They also do a needle aspiration of the lymph node under my right arm pit and remove fluid. Both will be tested for the detection of cancer cells. I will come back in a week for the results. This is where the journey begins.
My day started normal enough. We had been off the week before for the holidays so it's only my 2nd day back to work. I'm leaving half a day to go back to the doctor's to find out the results. I'm a little nervous, but my boss has told me she has had 2 lumpectomies in the past, neither cancerous so I'll be ok and not to worry about it. So for the most part I'm not so worried, I'm thinking everything will be ok. I leave my office and head to the doctor's. So now I sit in the doctor's waiting room in just a gown over my torso. My doctor- Dr Anita McSwain at the Breast Care Center at George Washington University Hospital- comes into the room and looks at me. She simply says "unfortunately I dont have good news..you have breast cancer." She tells me to get dressed and she will go get the social worker and we will meet in the consultation area. I am numb..I am in shock..I feel cold. I know I heard her but my brain cant wrap around the concept of what she is telling me. I get dressed and wait for her. They sit me in the consultation room and then the social worker comes in. She tells me her name but I know I'm not hearing her. Nothing is sinking in right now. My doctor finally comes in and she brings a chart with her explaining what kind of cancer I have. I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It is the most common form of breast cancer diagnosed. She tells me I have 2 treatment options at this point. The first is a mastectomy where they will remove my entire right breast, underlying muscle and lymph nodes. All I can do is shake my head at her. The second is a lumpectomy with chemotherapy and radiation treatment. I nod my head and now the reality of what is being said starts to sink in. I burst into tears. They try to console me but how do you console someone who has just been told they have cancer? Unless you've had it you cant begin to understand the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach now. My doctor says she will call the oncologist to see if he is available to meet with me now. She gets up and leaves the room and in the meantime the social worker keeps trying to comfort me. She hands me her card and information on group therapy. She tells me most of the people in her group are older. She asks me about family history I shake my head..she asks if I'm a smoker..I shake my head. She leaves for a minute and I proceed to call my job and tell them I wont be back the rest of the week, I have just been informed I have breast cancer. My co-worker is in shock but says she will let my boss know and not to worry about it. I hang up the phone as the social worker comes back in the room. My doctor comes back and tells me the oncologist can meet with me and sends me to the first floor. The social worker comes with me up to the oncology department. She sits with me at first but then has to leave. I sit in the waiting area just crying. I know I'm upsetting the patients and the staff but I dont care right now. My whole life has changed. A nurse calls me up and tells me they need to take my vitals and draw blood first before I meet with the oncologist. As I'm waiting to have my blood drawn a woman walks past me with a hat on her head and I can see all her hair is falling out. I know she is going through chemotherapy so I start to cry again. This is my future I'm looking at and that just kills me inside. The nurse with me sees me crying and hugs me telling me it will be ok. Will it? You cant promise me that lady..you dont know. After my blood is drawn they take me back to check my weight, height, blood pressure and pulse. I'm in the exam room having my pressure checked and the nurse asks me if I take blood pressure medicine because my pressure is elevated. Lady I just found out 20 mins ago I have breast cancer, of course my pressure is elevated and my pulse is racing! She apologizes. I know she may not have been aware but it was just too much. She leaves and I wait for the oncologist. While I'm waiting my job calls. It is my boss. I tell her what is going on. I can hear the compassion in her voice. She says she understands she has a friend who has gone through this and not to worry about work, things will be worked out. During this crisis it is nice to know I have a great boss and a good job that cares about me. She tells me if I want she will put me in touch with her friend. As we're talking the oncologist- Dr Tabbarra- walks in. I wrap up the call and hang up. He has 2 med students with him and do I mind if they sit in while I go through the consultation. I shake my head..I dont know if it was I didnt care or I'm still too heartbroken to notice little things like med students sitting in the corner. The oncologist explains that because of the size of my tumor they will be starting me with chemotherapy not a lumpectomy. The tumor is so big that if they removed it now I would lose atleast half my breast. I shake my head. He tells me that the chemo sometimes shrinks a tumor down to microscopic so that surgery isnt even necessary. He says he wont promise me this but even if they shrink it down to half the size I wouldnt lose so much of my breast. I nod at him. He tells me I will need to go through a battery of test first- a PET scan, a MRI scan, blood work, another biopsy, EKG. I will need to also have a port installed where the chemo drugs will be inserted. This will go into my chest itself. He asks me if I've ever known someone to go through chemo..I tell him yes my step-mother did in the late 80s early 90s but she's dead now. He tells me chemo is much different than it was then..I wont get it in the arm but directly into my chest. He says it avoids some of the burns that used to happen to patients in the past. "Unfortunately in the process of killing the cancer says some normal says will die. Your hair will fall out." I cry again. He says that they give a booster shot the day after chemo to keep the white blood cell count high to try to avoid illness but expect to be weak and tired the first few days after chemo. He asks me what days are best and tells me most patients choose Thursday as their chemo day and get their booster on Friday so they have the weekend to recover and feel better. I tell him those days are fine. He tells me I will begin next Thursday. That fast? He says as aggressive as my cancer is they want to start immediately. They cant tell me yet how long I will be on chemo, he wont know that till I complete all the test and he gets the results back. He says next Thursday before the chemo begins I will meet with him and we will talk about all of that. I nod at him. He leaves and I go back out to meet with the scheduler who puts me down for all the test I will need to take in the next week and a half. As I'm leaving the hospital I start to tell my family, my roommate and the guy I've been seeing. Everyone seems to take it..hard..some more than others. My sister in law ask is there anything she can do for me. I have a MRI and an EKG scheduled for the next day, can she come with me. She says yes she will. I tell her the time and ask her to meet me at the ambulatory center the next day. She says ok. I head home on the subway and after a few more calls letting my family know I sob hysterically to my roommate and collapse in exhaustion on the bed. I dont sleep..I lie in bed tossing and turning. I text the guy I've been seeing since he works night shift and I know he's up. He talks to me and keeps me company while I wait for daybreak and a new day to begin.
No comments:
Post a Comment