Tuesday April 19 2011- Day 106

I have a 9 am appt with Dr. McSwain..this is a follow-up after surgery. She has already told me the good news so I'm kinda looking forward to meeting with her. I leave at the normal time for work and go to the GW MFA bldg. I arrive on time and wait. They bring me back and have me get undressed from the waist up and wait for Dr. McSwain. She comes in and checks on the progress of my surgical scars. She tells me everything looks good. She then proceeds to show me the pathology report with the information she already let me know last week. Now she tells me all I need to do is go through radiation. My heart sinks. I dont understand..I thought once I was cancer free I didnt have to do anymore treatment. She explains that radiation is not required but is highly recommended. That I should come back the next day and meet with the radiologist who can explain it better than she can. I'm too depressed to say anything other than ok. She asks if I have questions and I ask her when can I get the port out of my chest. She says she will talk to Dr. Tabarra and find out..he has to approve that. Ugh..this bs is so damn frustrating. I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of bs. She tells me to get dressed and she's going to have Casey meet with me and she'll call the radiation office to see when they can schedule me. She comes back and tells me I have an appt the next day at 3:30 pm here to meet with the radiation dr. Whatever I dont care anymore. She leaves and shortly after Casey comes in. I talk to Casey for awhile and start to cry. I tell her I'm just sick of treatment. I'm sick of all of this. It feels like it just never fucking ends. I want to live my life and everytime I think I can it gets put back on hold for this bullshit. She tries to console me but it doesnt help. I just want to leave and get to work. I get to work and let them know what they tell me. They are sad for me too. I work the whole day and after work Miguel rents a car and we go to VA to get Jermaine and go to dinner. We go to Ruby Tuesdays and eat and talk about the draft next week. We are excited about that atleast. After dinner we drop Jermaine off and go back to MD..we stop at the grocery store to get some things and then go home. I drop off to sleep around midnight.

Monday April 18 2011- Day 105

I text my boss and my co-worker and let them know I'm going to be out sick that day. I then get out the bed and start getting dressed and ready for work like normal. I take my gym clothes out my bag and pack in a change of clothes and some other items for seeing him. I am trying to stay calm though inside I'm nervous as hell. He still gives me butterflies even after 2 years and 8 visits. My roommate and I leave and catch the bus to the train station. We catch the train and I get off the train a few stops later and catch it back the opposite direction so I can catch the MARC train out to BWI. He tells me he's going to arrive at 10 but there isnt a plane set to arrive at 10. He clarifies that he means 11, 10 his time. Ok fine. I get to New Carrollton and pick a 9:40 train so I wont get out to BWI too early and have to just sit around. I get a muffin and some apple juice for breakfast and slowly consume them while I watch and wait. I finally go upstairs and catch the train. I get to BWI and I sit on a bench waiting. I look on Facebook and notice he's updated his status..how is that possible if he's on a plane? I text him and asks him where is he. Now I'm starting to think he isnt coming. I get on the phone with a friend chatting. As I'm talking I see him walking towards me. Before I can hang up he has his arms around my waist. He's shaking as he's holding me. I loop my arms around his neck and kiss him on his cheek and neck whispering to him it's ok I'm right here. He still holds me. He finally lets me go and we head downstairs to catch an airport shuttle to our hotel. We talk as we ride the shuttle. We get there and check-in and go to our room. I want to cry as I look at him. It has been 6 long months since I've last seen him. He's lost weight and looks so good..still the man I've loved for so long. I wish I could keep him here. He sets up his return flight and I know that I only have a few hours with him. It makes me sad that this is all I get after so long but it's better than nothing at all. We spend the entire day in bed together snuggled up. I dont want to leave his side for a minute. He makes me take the wig off and I wear a headwrap the whole day with him. I hold him or he holds me. I lay my head on his chest or he lays his on mine. I kiss him over and over again. He kisses me or rubs my legs. We eat lunch and then take a nap curled up together. He is shaking in his sleep so I hold him close against me whispering to him that it's ok. He is holding tight to my leg. When he wakes up he tells me his dream and I smile at him. Our time is almost over now and I'm sad. I get back dressed including the wig. He tells me he hates the wigs..he hated them when his mom wore them..I tell him I know I hate them too. He asks me how long will it be until my hair grows back. I tell him I dont know..soon I hope..I've never had to go from no hair before. The conversation makes me uncomfortable. I am self conscious now..I dont feel like myself anymore and now I'm wondering if he's looking at me different. Does he love me less? Does he love me at all? I mean he's here right? I cant shake this feeling and I hate it. We go to the airport and I wait with him while he gets his pass to get through security. We hug 1 last time before he goes through security and I walk off towards ground transportation. I call my sister in law, 1 of the few people who knew he was here. I tell her how the day goes. I tell her how I'm feeling now. She tells me not to worry but I cant help it. I call my co-worker who knew he was here and we talk while I wait on a supershuttle to get me home. He and I text back & forth while he waits on a flight home. I'm worried he may not make it & I'm tempted to stick around in case he needs to stay the night but I figure it's best to get home in case he does get a flight. It takes me a while to get home and he calls to make sure the last flight is available after the flight he's trying to catch is booked up. I tell him it doesnt look good. An hour later he tells me he's got a ticket on the flight. I'm kind of happy but kind of sad. I was hoping to have a little bit more time but I know he needs to get home so he can work that night. I text him and tell him to text me when he gets back home. I dont hear from him again. I go to bed late and wake up in the middle of the night to text him which goes unanswered.

Sunday April 17 2011- Day 104

Miguel gets home from Novia Scotia around 12:45 pm. I havent gotten up yet so I finally get out the bed when he gets in. I realize I need to start getting ready if my brother is going to show up around 2. I figure he'll call me first and let me know he's on the way. As I step out the shower and grab my phone I see a text from my brother letting me know he's out front. Crap! I now have to rush to get dressed and ready. I throw on clothes and rush out the door. Robert and I ride and talk all the way to his house. When I arrive Carla immediately hands me Tatiana. I put her on her usual spot on my left shoulder and walk with her to the livingroom. WHen I get there my dad is sitting there and I come and sit next to him and talk. We talk about my meeting with my doctor on Tues and I go over what I was told on Thurs. We are both happy. He sticks around for awhile and I get to play with Tati as she wakes up and falls back to sleep. I lay her over my heart and snuggle in with her. I just love to hold her and look at her. She is my reason for living. She is my kindred spirit and when I'm with her I remember why I fight this battle everyday. When she wakes I walk and talk with her..so long as I stay in motion she doesnt cry..she has me trained that way. I stand in the mirror and show Tati her reflection which makes her laugh..love the sound of her laugh. This baby is what keeps me going. I get a text around 9 pm from him saying he will come to town tomorrow morning. Aww hell. I didnt really think he would come but now I have to plan to have the day off. I stay and have dinner with my brother's family and finally get home around 10. Before I go to bed I book a hotel room near BWI Airport and let him know I'll be there to meet with him at the airport in the morning. I'm nervous as hell but need to sleep so I go to bed around 12 and keep waking up every hour or so through the night.

Saturday April 16 2011- Day 103

My roommate leaves at 4:30 am to head to Novia Scotia for a shoot. Around 8 am he keeps ringing my phone til he finally wakes me out of sleep. He has left the credit card behind so he needs the numbers off the card. I'm groggy as I get out of bed and going searching in his room for it. I finally find it on his nightstand. I read off the numbers and then fall back to sleep in his bed. He wakes me again a little while later asking for it again. I read it again and doze off. I talk to my sister in law shortly after that about my visit tomorrow. Robert will come around 2..ok cool. I dont have any plans for the day so I spend most of it in bed sleeping and watching tv. I finally eat somewhere around 3 pm. I spend the rest of the day surfing the internet, tweeting, watching tv and napping off and on. My ex text me about hanging out with him but that doesnt pan out thankfully and I go to bed around midnight after talking to my roommate about the shoot.

Friday April 15 2011- Day 102

Part of the staff is out on Friday. I still dress fly and wear my jordan boots. I'm in a very good mood. I feel light hearted and happy. It's amazing how good you feel when you get good news. All I've been hearing is depressing news for so long I've forgotten what it's like to hear any good news. So now I'm happy..I work through my day with a bounce in my step. I was hoping he would come to town this weekend but he tells me last minute that he's not. It's cool I guess..I can make plans to see my brother's family instead..I havent seen my Tati in weeks and I miss her. I get home that evening and while my roommate stays up packing I go to bed.

Thursday April 14 2011- Day 101

My roommate wakes me up early. He has rented a car that has to be back by 8:30 am so we have to get out the door a little earlier. I take a few minutes to send a few pix to him and get out the bed. We rush to get ready and out the door. Unfortunately when we get to the car the battery is dead and we are unable to start the car. We go back in the house and call Zipcar who sends out roadside assistance. In the meantime I decide to go hop on the bus. As I board the bus roadside assistance pulls up. I call my roommate and tell him to pick me up from the subway station. It takes another half hour for roadside assistance to get the car running and my roommate to show up. By now we are very late. I text my co-workers to let them know. I get to the office building and decide to get some breakfast before I head up. I get in my office by 9:40. He calls me as I walk in the door and I tell him what happens and after he laughs we talk about him coming to visit and a plane ticket. After we get off the phone I start my morning. Lunch time rolls around and I decide to lay down and take a nap. I get back to my desk and around 2:42 pm my phone rings. It is a GW Hosp number so I answer it. It's Dr. McSwain. She asks me if I'm free to talk. I tell her yes. She proceeds to tell me that my pathology report is in and that I am cancer free. I let out a scream and start to cry. She asks if I'm ok and I tell her yes that she's made my whole week month year day weekend. She says ok and tells me the test on the lymph nodes came back negative as well so the cancer has not spread. That I am now completely done treatment. I will have my follow up with her on Tues and we will go over everything but that is it. I keep crying as she talks and I hang up the phone. I tell my co-worker Lauren who happens to be next to me at the time. I call my dad and as the phone rings I tell my co-worker Isabelle which my dad catches when he answers as I'm telling her. We both celebrate. I call him and let him know and he keeps repeating "I told you I told you." I tell him I love him and he says the same and we hang up. I call my sister in law Carla who prays over me and then my cousin Lisa who wants to throw a party. I call my roommate and tell him and he's very happy..he has been the one who has seen the worst of what I've had to go through these last few months so I know he is the happiest. I call my sister in law May and then my brother James calls and I let him know too. I post a message on Facebook and Twitter and send text to everyone in my phone. My phone goes off the rest of the evening with congratulatory text and phone calls and folks reply to my messages on Facebook & Twitter. I want to go out and celebrate that night but my breast starts to hurt so I lay down and rest. My roommate gets dinner and I eat and then take some percocet. I fall asleep til he makes me get up and go lay in my bed. I sleep the most peaceful I have in a long time. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and a light enter into my life that had been missing for a long time. It is the happiest I have been in a very long time.

Wednesday April 13 2011- Day 100

I try to work out going to see him this weekend but all the flights there are booked up. I let him know and he suggests that he come up here. OMG!? Did he really just suggest that? We have been seeing each other for 2 years and he has never once suggested it. I say yes that would be great. I tell him I'll send him the buddy pass but it should be easier for him to get here then me to get there..we'll see what happens. I dont believe anyone til I actually see them. The mere suggestion is progress though. I havent been eating right in days so I make a point to actually eat some cereal at breakfast and a salad at lunch. Neither stay down long but at least my appetite is starting to return. I am tired by the end of the workday so I get home and shower and lay in the bed. I dont cook dinner I decide to just eat a bowl of cereal. I take the percocet shortly afterwards and doze off til sometime around 11. I wake up take some motrin pm and sleep supplements and go back to sleep. I still wake up around 2 and text him for a couple of hours til I can finally fall back to sleep.

Tuesday April 12 2011- Day 99

I'm determined to do a full day today..I'm tired but I need to make an effort to get through the day. I have some calls and emails to send. I call Univ of TN and speak with Beth Cole about the award that I got notice about. She tells me that they keep it a surprise til after the award ceremony. She asks if I will be able to attend..I tell her no. She tells me she will mail me a notice the day after the ceremony which means next Wed. She says it's a good surprise. I'm thinking it's a scholarship since I cant imagine any other award coming to me from Univ of TN considering I havent actually gone to school there. I guess I'll find out sometime next week. I call the Cancer Care organization again but get voicemail so leave a message and send an email hoping I'll hear from them. I talk with my dad about the award and he's excited for me. He tells me if I find a place to take driving classes he'll pay for half. Damn..guess I better get on the ball with that. Especially if I'm going to go away to school like UofTN. Near the end of my workday UPS delivers a couple of big boxes..he leaves them at my desk and departs. I cant keep boxes at my desk so I get up and try to push them with my foot towards the far hall. When that doesnt work I give up and push them. After just a couple of pushes I feel my right armpit start to scream in pain. I stop where I am. My co-worker sees me trying to push the boxes and she snaps at me and pushes the boxes the rest of the way to the hallway. I go back to my desk in pain. I take 2 motrin and hope that the day hurries up and finishes. I get home and my armpit is in even more pain..I knew it was stupid to push the boxes but I didnt think it would be this bad. As I walk in the door my phone is ringing..it is the Cancer Care organization. I speak for nearly an hour with Kristy who talks with me about my journey and what the organization can do to help me. They are going to send me a check for $150..it isnt much considering all the bills but it's atleast something so I guess that's good. She tells me I need to take more pain meds when I explain to her what I had done. After I hang up I take 2 percocet. My roommate gets home and hands me an envelope..inside is a check from my old job. Apparently I never rolled out my 401K and since I didnt give them any information where to roll it they mailed me a check. It's only for $450 but that's cool..I wasnt expecting it. My roommate tells me I have to pay the $500 server bill for our websites so the $450 will almost cover what I'm about to lose. I make a little dinner and after eating I lay down and start to doze. My roommate wakes me and makes me go lay in my own bed. I sit up for awhile and type but eventually the drowsiness overtakes me and I fall asleep. I try to wake up to talk to him but I sleep straight through the night.

Monday April 11th 2011- Day 98

I have decided I am going into work..not sure how long I'm going to make it through the day. It all depends on how I feel. For now I'll plan for a half day and if I'm feeling up to it I'll do the full day. I get dressed and leave for work. When I arrive everyone seems shocked but very happy to see me. I get lots of hugs from everyone. The first part of the day goes well but as the day drags on I feel myself start to get more and more tired. This is the most hours I've been awake so it's hard for me to function. By 11 am I know I'm not going to make it the full day. At 1 pm I finally give up..I leave work and head home. I order some lunch since I havent eaten anything yet today. All I've had so far is a glucerna and 2 protein shakes..I know I need to eat. I eat and take some pain meds and finally fall asleep around 4 pm. I wake up to the sound of my roommate coming in the door around 7. He hands me a notice from Univ of TN. I open it and it's a notice that I'm receiving an award next week. Now the only award I applied for was a scholarship so this is the only thing I believe it is. Wow..if it is that's super..it means I have something to look forward to and and reason to hurry up and get well and get back to school. Also if it's a scholarship I guess that means my mind is made up where I'm going to school (go with who is giving me $ to go to school). I know I will have to call them in the morning to try and find out. I also get a call from the oncology dept telling me I have chemo on Thurs..wtf? I'm post surgery and wasnt informed I need more chemo..something tells me the right hand isnt telling the left hand what it's doing which is causing mass confusion and getting on my last damn nerve. I fall back to sleep and my roommate wakes me around 9 and I go to my bed and fall back to sleep..I wake up a couple of times but I cant get out the bed. I text him around 3 am and we talk til around 5 am. He is happy about Univ of TN too but we'll see what happens. Alot of things are swiming through my mind..I have to call UTN about the notice..I have to call the oncology dept to cancel the chemo..I have to call my breast care dr for a follow-up..I have to call the cancer care organization about my rent..so much to do..so much to think about. My mind is racing so I fall in and out of sleep all night long.

Sunday April 10th 2011- Day 97

I sleep in late..I wake up once early but fall back to sleep..I cant seem to get out the bed. I'm just too tired and sore to make a serious effort to get up. He calls me sometime in the afternoon and we talk briefly..he has his daughter and I'm happy for him. It's good to hear his voice even if he does annoy me to no end sometimes. I get constant text so I eventually go in my roommate's room and lay down leaving the phone in the livingroom so I can rest. My roommate wakes me when he wants to take a call or take a nap. I dont care really all I want to do is sleep anyway. My armpit is still tender. I still have a sore on my butt that hasnt fully healed and I'm tired of looking at all these bruises and unhealed needle marks that cover both arms. Now that surgery is over I look forward to the day when I can finally fully heal and not have to look at all these marks. I'm having a decent day but I still dont eat well..not sure when my appetite will return to normal but for now I just deal with it. I sleep all evening then get up shower and lay down for the night around 11 pm.

Saturday April 9th 2011- Day 96

I am very tired today. Even though I can see the sun is shining and I'm sure the weather is warm I have no interest in going outside. All I want to do is sleep. My appetite is off so I only eat twice maybe once..I lose count cuz I dont really feel like eating. I eat because I have to in order to take my pain med. I only take the percocet once a day preferring to take motrin the rest of the time. My breast doesnt hurt at all, only my armpit gives me some pain. Short of that I'm ok I'm just exhausted and want to rest constantly. My only movement is going from my bed to my roommate's bed to sleep and back again. I watch tv in short spurts but I call it a night very early.

Friday April 8th 2011- Day 95

Today is my first post surgery recovery day. I'm glad that the lymph nodes tested negative for cancer and that they only had to remove 2. I'm even more grateful that because of that I go to come home and sleep in my own bed. Here I can lay in a comfy bed with 3 layers of mattress pads. I can run my fan to keep me cool and my humidifer to keep the air moist to try and cut down on my nose bleeds. I can also keep the heat on so that it's toasty warm when I get out the bed. I'm going to stay home from work today and allow my body to heal. My right breast and arm pit are tender but not unbearable. Definitely less pain then the back pain that the neulasta shot causes. I know I'll be ok. I spend the day resting, laying in bed writing and napping when I can. I eat a little but mainly I try to take it easy. I cant shower yet but I do remove the bandages. I stand in the mirro and look at my breast. There is a 1 inch scar on the inside of my right breast and a half inch scar under my right arm pit. When I look at my breast straight on in the mirror I dont notice any difference in their size. The tumor had been real small so there isnt any noticeable difference between the 2. I am grateful for that. It means that the chemo did its job even if I had to suffer a lot in the process. All I do now is pray that I get the all clear in 10 days. I spend all day not hearing from him so I dont bother to text him. He finally text me late that evening but he keeps the convo short & I dont bother to try to force him to talk. I'm tired and I want to rest. I go to bed early around 9 pm and I sleep broken through the night.

Thursday April 7th 2011- Day 94

This is it..today is the day I'm having surgery. It feels like I've been waiting on this day since forever. I really didnt sleep that well through the night so when my dad calls at 6 am I am already awake. I just lay in bed tl 6:30 because I already took a shower the night before, I'm not wearing a wig and I'm not wearing contacts so it will only take a few short minutes to get ready. I wash my face, brush my teeth and get dressed. I throw my laptop and my pooh bear in my backpack just in case I have to stay the night. I'm still not clear if I will or won't so I prepare either way. My dad arrives and I leave for the hospital. We get there around 7:30 and we finish all the paperwork and sit in the admissions waiting area. While sitting there I remove my hat so just my pink ribbon headscarf is visible. My dad looks at me and asks me to remove it. He has not seen my baldhead and I'm scared to show him. I take a deep breath and I take it off. Tears slide down my cheeks but my dad just smiles at me and kisses the top of my head. I slide the scarf back on and wait. After an hour they finally call my name. One nurse asks if I had the procedure done. I'm assuming she's talking about the nuclear medicine injection from the day before. I say if that's the one you are referring to then yes. She walks away and we are lead upstairs to the 2nd floor where I change into just a gown and toss all my clothes in a bag. While I'm sitting and waiting my phone rings and it's the hospital number showing up. It is Dr McSwain's office calling to ask me where am I. I tell them I'm in the hospital. They tell me I'm supposed to be at MFA building a block away. That I'm late for an appointment to have a wire put into my breast. Without the wire Dr. McSwain cant perform the surgery. She asks where have I been..I tell her I've been in the hospital since 7:30 am and no one told me that I was at the wrong location. She asks how long will it take me to get there. I tell her I just need to redress and walk over. I tell my dad what's happening and he looks as agitated as I feel. I throw on my clothes and grab my backpack..I tell the nurses what's happening and they call over to get clarification. They tell me I have to go. I leave and head ove to the MFA building. I am furious that I have been sitting in the hospital for over an hour and a half and no one had called me or checked on me or even informed me I was in the wrong area. I get over to the radiology in the MFA building and they rush me through to get me to the mammography area. A nurse comes to get me who explains they are going to take a picture to find the tumor and then place a wire into my breast to mark where it is as a guideline for Dr McSwain to follow. They take the pictures, then numb my breast and finally put the wire in. She takes a pic while the wire is in and then adjust it til it is perfect. They take a final photo and then tape down the part of the needle that is sticking out my breast. She tells me not to put my bra back on and to go out to the main waiting area to wait for someone to walk me back over to the hospital. We get back over and we are lead straight back up to the 2nd floor. They kept my same waiting area #8 ready for me. I hurry and change back and wait for my doctor. She comes in shortly after and I introduce her to my dad. She explains everything to me that is going to happen today. When I asks her about having to stay the night she tells me it will be determined what they find when they remove the lymph nodes from my armpit. Whatever. She leaves and a series of nurses come through and asks me to keep signing paperwork. Authorization for surgery, power of attorney, etc etc. The next nurse, Moon, starts the IV line in my left wrist. When she leaves I start to cry..my dad comes over and hugs me. I lean into him. I tell him I just want this to bo over..I dont want to do this anymore. He consoles me while he holds me til I stop crying. The next person to come in is the other doctor who will be working with Dr McSwain..I dont remember his name but he's a surgical resident. The next person is my anesthesiologist Dr. Lee. He has me sign more paperwork. He goes off and another nurse takes all my stuff away and puts them in a locker. For now I keep my glasses on but they give me a bag to put them in so they can take them away. Dr. Lee returns and gives me a shot. Shortly after they make me give my glasses to a nurse who puts it in a locker with the rest of my stuff and then they wheel me away. I get to the surgery room and I get on a table for surgery. I wake up in recovery..I feel groggy, dizzy and lightheaded. I lay for awhile til I can open my eyes. The first nurse asks me how I feel. I just nod at her. She asks me if I would like something to drink and I tell her apple juice. She goes and grabs me 2 small containers of apple juice. They are cold and feel so good going down my throat which is now raw from having a breathing tube down it. I asks how did it go but she tells me she doesnt know I will have to wait on my doctor. I asks her if I was going home that day. I know if she answers yes that the test on the lymph nodes went well. She tells me yes I'm going home. I cheer to myself a little. They go get my dad who tells me what Dr. McSwain told him..that they removed a very small almost pea sized tumor along with just 2 lymph nodes. The lymph nodes tested negative for cancer so they didnt need to remove the rest of them. We are both happy and he hugs and kisses me. He gets to stay with me for awhile but eventually they send him back downstairs to wait for me. They switch me from a bed to a recliner so I can sit up while I'm recovering. I start to get dressed and as I stand up the room starts to tilt and I feel my stomach lurch. I sit back down and take a deep breath. The nurse explains that they have given me a large dose of anesthesia and that it will make me very sick to my stomach and vomit. She gets me a dose of a nausea med and injects it into my iv line in my wrist. I sit and wait while my stomach settles. They move me to another recovery area. Over here she gives me a bottle of water and puts a motion sickness patch behind my left ear. She said it should help with the nausea. She finally takes the iv line out my wrist and bandages me. They call down to my dad to tell him to get his car so we can leave. A nurse finally comes to wheel me downstairs. I have a bag with a litle thing to vomit in and some gauze pads to wipe my mouth if I do. I get in the car and even the motion of moving my eyes back and forth gives me motion sickness. I keep my eyes closed during the ride home. I'm trying hard to keep from getting sick. Every bump in the road sets my stomach to lurching. I dont know if I'm going to make it. As we are almost to my apartment I feel sensation that I'm going to vomit..I know I'm not going to make it home. I feel the warm saliva fill my mouth. I open the bag with the little vomit dish and I dont bother to pull it out I just cover my mouth nose and chin with the plastic bag. I feel my stomach give one final lurch and I vomit up all the apple juice and water I just finished drinking. My dad hands me some wet wipes to clean up my face. I apologize to him but he says it's ok..I didnt vomit in his car atleast. We get to my apartment complex and he takes the bag and throws it in the dumpster. After vomiting though I feel a little better. My stomach isnt lurching and I can move my eyes without getting dizzy. My dad walks me into the building. I point out my next door neighbor Ms Tweet to him. He doesnt want to leave me alone while Miguel is still at work but I tell him if he asks Ms Tweet to check on me she'll come knock on my door and make sure I'm ok. He says ok and leaves. Shortly after Ms. Tweet knocks to check on me. I tell her I'm fine and that I'm just going to lay down. She leaves. Miguel text me & asks for an update. I tell him I'm home resting and explain the procedure. I tell him I need to get my medicine so he agrees to rent a car so we can do it that night. After I finish texting him I post a message on Facebook letting everyone know how the surgery went and then I text everyone else in my phone and tweet it as well. I get lots of well wishes for a speedy recovery and I feel good. I doze off and when Miguel gets home I sleep some more til he tells me that we're going to get my prescription filled and go to the grocery store for more food for the apartment. Ok no problem. First he runs to his office to get some boxes shipped to him. Afterwards he comes back to get me and we drop the prescription off at CVS while we run to Giant. We get some groceries and then we head to Wendy's to get some dinner. We stop by CVS and grab the prescription and head home. I eat my food take some pain and sleep meds and I call it a night by midnight.

Wednesday April 6th 2011- Day 93

Today I'm leaving work early. I have to have a procedure done prior to my surgery tomorrow. I stop and get a smoothie on my way to work. I get a muffin after the judging brings breakfast out. Around 2 pm I leave work for the day and head down to GW Hosp. I'm going to hospital itself instead of the Medical Faculty Associates building. I go to radiology on the 1st floor and check in. They seem confused at first that I'm there but then a nurse says she knows I'm supposed to be there and have a seat she'll be ready in a few minutes for me. I have a seat and then she finally comes to get me. She takes me back to a room where a tech sits in a chair outside a room that contains a machine that looks similar to the PET/CT scan machine. The tech tells me that I need to get undressed from the waist up. He explains that today they are going to inject my right breast around the areola 3 times with a radioactive material that will light up the path that my breast takes out to the lymph nodes. This will help isolate the ones that need to be removed for testing. He warns me that the radioactive medicine will burn like holy hell. Ugh..more painful injections..great. Like I havent had enough of painful injections already. He tells me I'll need to massage it in for several minutes and then he will take 3 photos which will guide the doctor tomorrow. He leaves the room & I get undressed from the waist up and put on a gown. He retuns and puts a blanket over me so I can stay warm in this cold room. Shortly after a doctor comes in and repeats the same instructions. He tells me I can go fast or slow..I tell him to go fast to get it over with. He has a nurse with him. I lie back and they uncover my right breast. He wipes my areola off with alcohol 3 times. The nurse stands on my left and holds my hand. The doctor proceeds to give my first injection. I scream and start crying immediately. The pain is like having your breast set on fire. I almost expect him to be holding a book of matches instead of a needle. But I'm not crying just from the pain but also because I think to myself how much more shit are you going to put me through? How much more do I have to endure? The pain, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, baldhead..I cant take it anymore..and this pain now in my breast is unbearable. I keep crying..the doctor asks me if I want him to stop but I tell him no. I dont want this misery to linger any longer than it has to. He preps the next needle and injects me again..I'm trying hard to hold still because if I move they will have to do it again and I cant take an additional shot. The 2nd shot starts with the same pinching feeling and then the fire that seems to consume my entire areola. I just keep crying but I dont tell them to wait. I dont want to do this anymore..I dont want to go through anymore shit..why am I being made to suffer like this? The doctor gives me the 3rd and final shot and I lay back and cry more. The nurse pats my hand and the doctor covers my breast in a gauze pad and then closes my gown. He tells me to massage my breast to get the dye flowing to my lymph nodes. He leaves the room and returns with a box of tissues that he lays on my chest. He leaves and I take a few tissues and lie back crying while I massage my breast. I feel alone and unhappy. I hate what is happening to me. I keep massaging and I start praying to myself asking God to give me strength..asking him to have the surgery go well tomorrow. Asking that he heals my body. The tech returns and he sets up the machine to start taking pictures of my breast. He explains each step as he's doing it. They will adjust the camera 3 different ways to get 3 different angles of the dye path. I must lie perfectly still with my arms over my head while he does this. The whole process takes about 10 mins. After he is finished I get back dressed and leave the hospital. I am tired and all I want to do is go home and rest after this ordeal. I go to bed early that evening but wake up in the middle of the night to talk to him a little. He's busier tonight so I finally give up trying to hold a conversation with him and go back to sleep.

Tuesday April 5th 2011- Day 92

I have a long day ahead of me. Worse yet is the fact that they wont let me take any painkillers no matter what until after surgery. They warn me there is a risk of excessive bleeding during surgery if I do. So even though I'm having some back pain I have to suffer through it. My chair at my desk at work is horrible so I have to get up every few hours to try to keep my back from getting too painful. The judging is still going on at my office so while I cant lay down they do provide us with breakfast and lunch. I get a muffin for breakfast and half a sandwich for lunch. Bruce and I go to lunch again and we talk about work. He tells me about his last job..I tell him about my dream to go to school. He tells me I can get health insurance through my school. If not I can individual insurance through the state..he pays around $120 a month. Wait..you mean it's possible I can still go to school full-time? He tells me absolutely..just research it. It is the best news I've heard in a LONG time. Im so happy that it's possible that I wont have to give up my dream. That alone makes my whole day. I finish out the rest of my day at work and go home. I dont have any plans for that evening so I lay down and rest. I end up sleeping until 11 or so then I get up eat some dinner and take a shower and then go back to bed. I wake up around 2 am and talk to him until around 6 am.

Monday April 4th 2011- Day 91

This is going to be a short week for me..I have a pre surgery procedure on Wed and surgery on Thurs so I'm determined to work up til then. However the weather is making that difficult. This day is very warm..almost 80 degrees. After weeks of cold weather the warm weather is welcome but now my allergies are kicking in. My nose is running real bad and since I have no nose hair I cant stop it. Unfortunately my nose bleeds everytime it runs..another chemo side effect. I have daily nose bleeds sometimes several times a day. Now the stuffy runny nose is making me swallow lots of blood and mucus. I spend the day sick to my stomach. There is a judging going on in my office so I cant go to my usual spot and lay down during my lunch hour. I walk around during lunch and talk with my co-worker Bruce. We talk about work and relationships and about his weekend that he partially cant remember. I dont have any appetite to eat..my allergies are killing that and I'm so tired I cant function. I get off work and I go straight home and sleep. I get up later and eat a little bit and then take some sleep meds and go back to bed.

Sunday April 3rd- Day 90

90 days..3 mos..wasnt it just a few mos ago that I was healthy happy and ready to quit my job and go to school full-time? Now that seems like a lifetime ago. I sometimes look at pictures of me from a few months ago and I feel sad. I had long pretty shoulder length hair..I was slimming down..I thought I had a good man in my life. All of those things are gone. I'm stuck in this never ending nightmare. Today I am exhausted beyond belief. Maybe the emotional toll is taking its toll on me physically. I wake up at 10 am but fall back to sleep til noon. When I go to talk to Miguel he is tired since he's been up since 6 am and says he's going to take a nap. I leave his room and go back to sleep myself. I wake up again around 3:15 pm. I still havent eaten yet today but the sleep makes me feel good. I go across the street and get myself something to eat from the carryout. I eat and then lay down again. This time I stay awake though. I really just want to lay around all day. My body is worn out and I need all the rest I can get. I have alot on my mind..I am just days away from surgery. I am filled with a sense of worry. I find myself praying alot. I am very scared. I try not to be pessimistic and think positive. I pray the chemo that has made me suffer for so long has done its job and the surgery will go well. I try not to think about it alot..I distract myself with trying to help other people with their issues. 2 friends tell me their mothers are now facing cancer so I try to console them by telling them what I've gone through and that despite the diagnosis of cancer that they can survive and thrive through it but they need to stay strong and be positive. Helping them helps me feel better and distracts my mind from my own suffering. I dont like to think long about what I'm going through..it depresses me too much. It has been a rough 3 mos..the worst in my life. So trying to help others makes me feel better and distracts my brain from my own misery. Helping him job hunt by emailing, mailing and faxing his resume means I dont have to think about my own problems. His our trivial in comparison so helping him is easy and gives me something to focus on other than myself. I talk with folks trying to provide some counseling to help them through some emotional issues. Anything that helps keep my mind busy. Despite only being awake since 3:15 I go to bed for the night around midnight. I'm just too tired to try to stay awake longer.

Saturday April 2nd 2011- Day 89

My roommate rents a car this day. We have a few things to do but mainly we want to go to Firehouse Subs in Alexandria. Its a 1/2 hour commute each way but worth it for these subs. I'm regaining some of my normal sense of taste so I'm hoping I will enjoy it. My roommate has running around to do but I'm very tired and just want to rest. I stay in bed most of the day. Around 6 pm we go to VA & get our friend Jermaine and then go to Firehouse Subs to eat. We sit and have a long talk about our trip to NY to the NFL Draft at the end of the month. We are trying to work out all the details. Do we take Wed off or just leave after work? We are only going to the first round on Thurs so we plan to go up on Wed and get some running around done and plan on staying in line that night. We need to figure out what time to meet up, which bus will we catch and how long will we stay so Miguel and I can go to work on Fri. While we're talking and watching the end of the NCAA tourney I feel myself getting more and more tired. It bothers me that I get tired so easily so I try to tough it out and focus on working out these last details. Finally after 2 hours we leave, drop Jermaine off and run to the grocery store to get more juice and ice cream. We get home and I unpack the groceries and lay in bed watching tv til I get tired and turn the tv off and go to sleep.

Friday April 1st 2011- Day 88

April Fools Day..I feel like I'm being played for a fool everyday I live this misery. I have numbness in my fingertips now, another side effect of the chemo. They feel like they have been dipped in ice all day. It makes it hard to type because I cant really feel what my fingers are doing. I still have a weird taste in my mouth which makes everything taste disgusting. I get tired of eating..all I want to do is sleep. I feel a little better than yesterday but I'm still unhappy. I try to cheer myself up by putting on a real cute outfit with some cute boots. If I atleast look good on the outside maybe I can make myself feel better on the inside. The boots arent comfortable but they are fly and when I put them on with my outfit I do look good. I smile on the outside even though my heart is hurting. I get my co-worker to take pix of me and I post them on facebook and show them to a few friends. I get positive feedback which makes me feel good..despite feeling physicaly ill and depressed I still look good. It helps me to feel better about myself which I need right now. I try to keep myself from sinking into a deep depression by doing little things that make me feel good. I get off work and I decide to get my nails done. Something girlie to make me feel good and also to cover up the black crescent moons on my fingernails. While the nail tech is removing the polish from my toenails I notice the black rings are now on my toenails as well. I almost want to cry. I will now have to keep both my fingers and toes painted to keep from having to see them. The worst things become the more I pray for this misery to be over. I am no longer me..I am something I dont recognize. Life sucks for me right now. I am ready for the end. I eat a late dinner and go to bed early. No point on staying awake if I'm not going anywhere or doing anything.

Thursday March 31st 2011- Day 87

I wake up very nauseous and in alot of pain..it has been a rough exhausting week. No matter how much I sleep I feel like I cant get enough. I am slowly starting to lose my patience. I still cant keep food down so I avoid eating as much as I can. I dont know how much more I can take. My day at work goes by uneventful but on the way home I'm feeling pain and I am completely unhappy. I text him and he answers back with a short message. It doesnt console me at all. I'm feeling all the pain and illness wearing on me. I am emotionally drained. I start to cry on the train. I dont care who sees me. I just feel like I cant take it anymore. I get home and I lay in bed sobbing uncontrollably. How much more do I have to endure? Why me? What did I do to deserve this misery? Am I being punished for past indiscretions? I know I have family and friends supporting me but I feel so alone and miserable. This isnt fair. So many evil people in the world who have done unspeakably bad things to others. I have tried to live my life right be a good person with a good heart. Yet here I am facing the possibility of my own death. I'm not even 40..it's so fucked up. I want to wake up from this living nightmare but this is my life. Everything I ever dreamed of, wished for, hoped for is now something I may not live to see come true. Why am I being punished? I dont know how much more I can take. There was a time when I was younger when I tried to kill myself..now I'm scared of losing my life. It so depressing to think about. I feel like all my dreams are being crushed. I wanted to go away to school full-time but now I cant because I cant afford to not have insurance coverage. I have a terminal illness that I'll have for the rest of my life. I feel trapped. I hate my job but I cant leave it. I feel my dreams slipping away from me. I cry until I cant cry anymore. I dont even want to eat I just want to go to bed and sleep til my heart stops hurting.

Wednesday March 30 2011- Day 86

Its a slow day. I have no plans for the day..my mind is still racing and thinking of surgery next week. I'm still getting sick everyday. The weather has been rainy and cold and that always slows my treatment down. I get hungry but eating just leads me to get sick so I spend many days just drinking Glucerna and popping pain meds til I sleep. There is constant pain and nausea. I dont know how I drag myself out of bed each day and go to work but somehow I manage. Once I get home I crash and burn and sleep almost completely through the night. I'm tired all the time. I take naps at work even during my lunch hour. I truly hate what chemo is doing to me. I am worn out physically emotionally mentally and spiritually. I can only pray that my misery will end soon.