Monday April 18 2011- Day 105

I text my boss and my co-worker and let them know I'm going to be out sick that day. I then get out the bed and start getting dressed and ready for work like normal. I take my gym clothes out my bag and pack in a change of clothes and some other items for seeing him. I am trying to stay calm though inside I'm nervous as hell. He still gives me butterflies even after 2 years and 8 visits. My roommate and I leave and catch the bus to the train station. We catch the train and I get off the train a few stops later and catch it back the opposite direction so I can catch the MARC train out to BWI. He tells me he's going to arrive at 10 but there isnt a plane set to arrive at 10. He clarifies that he means 11, 10 his time. Ok fine. I get to New Carrollton and pick a 9:40 train so I wont get out to BWI too early and have to just sit around. I get a muffin and some apple juice for breakfast and slowly consume them while I watch and wait. I finally go upstairs and catch the train. I get to BWI and I sit on a bench waiting. I look on Facebook and notice he's updated his status..how is that possible if he's on a plane? I text him and asks him where is he. Now I'm starting to think he isnt coming. I get on the phone with a friend chatting. As I'm talking I see him walking towards me. Before I can hang up he has his arms around my waist. He's shaking as he's holding me. I loop my arms around his neck and kiss him on his cheek and neck whispering to him it's ok I'm right here. He still holds me. He finally lets me go and we head downstairs to catch an airport shuttle to our hotel. We talk as we ride the shuttle. We get there and check-in and go to our room. I want to cry as I look at him. It has been 6 long months since I've last seen him. He's lost weight and looks so good..still the man I've loved for so long. I wish I could keep him here. He sets up his return flight and I know that I only have a few hours with him. It makes me sad that this is all I get after so long but it's better than nothing at all. We spend the entire day in bed together snuggled up. I dont want to leave his side for a minute. He makes me take the wig off and I wear a headwrap the whole day with him. I hold him or he holds me. I lay my head on his chest or he lays his on mine. I kiss him over and over again. He kisses me or rubs my legs. We eat lunch and then take a nap curled up together. He is shaking in his sleep so I hold him close against me whispering to him that it's ok. He is holding tight to my leg. When he wakes up he tells me his dream and I smile at him. Our time is almost over now and I'm sad. I get back dressed including the wig. He tells me he hates the wigs..he hated them when his mom wore them..I tell him I know I hate them too. He asks me how long will it be until my hair grows back. I tell him I dont know..soon I hope..I've never had to go from no hair before. The conversation makes me uncomfortable. I am self conscious now..I dont feel like myself anymore and now I'm wondering if he's looking at me different. Does he love me less? Does he love me at all? I mean he's here right? I cant shake this feeling and I hate it. We go to the airport and I wait with him while he gets his pass to get through security. We hug 1 last time before he goes through security and I walk off towards ground transportation. I call my sister in law, 1 of the few people who knew he was here. I tell her how the day goes. I tell her how I'm feeling now. She tells me not to worry but I cant help it. I call my co-worker who knew he was here and we talk while I wait on a supershuttle to get me home. He and I text back & forth while he waits on a flight home. I'm worried he may not make it & I'm tempted to stick around in case he needs to stay the night but I figure it's best to get home in case he does get a flight. It takes me a while to get home and he calls to make sure the last flight is available after the flight he's trying to catch is booked up. I tell him it doesnt look good. An hour later he tells me he's got a ticket on the flight. I'm kind of happy but kind of sad. I was hoping to have a little bit more time but I know he needs to get home so he can work that night. I text him and tell him to text me when he gets back home. I dont hear from him again. I go to bed late and wake up in the middle of the night to text him which goes unanswered.