Sunday April 3rd- Day 90

90 days..3 mos..wasnt it just a few mos ago that I was healthy happy and ready to quit my job and go to school full-time? Now that seems like a lifetime ago. I sometimes look at pictures of me from a few months ago and I feel sad. I had long pretty shoulder length hair..I was slimming down..I thought I had a good man in my life. All of those things are gone. I'm stuck in this never ending nightmare. Today I am exhausted beyond belief. Maybe the emotional toll is taking its toll on me physically. I wake up at 10 am but fall back to sleep til noon. When I go to talk to Miguel he is tired since he's been up since 6 am and says he's going to take a nap. I leave his room and go back to sleep myself. I wake up again around 3:15 pm. I still havent eaten yet today but the sleep makes me feel good. I go across the street and get myself something to eat from the carryout. I eat and then lay down again. This time I stay awake though. I really just want to lay around all day. My body is worn out and I need all the rest I can get. I have alot on my mind..I am just days away from surgery. I am filled with a sense of worry. I find myself praying alot. I am very scared. I try not to be pessimistic and think positive. I pray the chemo that has made me suffer for so long has done its job and the surgery will go well. I try not to think about it alot..I distract myself with trying to help other people with their issues. 2 friends tell me their mothers are now facing cancer so I try to console them by telling them what I've gone through and that despite the diagnosis of cancer that they can survive and thrive through it but they need to stay strong and be positive. Helping them helps me feel better and distracts my mind from my own suffering. I dont like to think long about what I'm going through..it depresses me too much. It has been a rough 3 mos..the worst in my life. So trying to help others makes me feel better and distracts my brain from my own misery. Helping him job hunt by emailing, mailing and faxing his resume means I dont have to think about my own problems. His our trivial in comparison so helping him is easy and gives me something to focus on other than myself. I talk with folks trying to provide some counseling to help them through some emotional issues. Anything that helps keep my mind busy. Despite only being awake since 3:15 I go to bed for the night around midnight. I'm just too tired to try to stay awake longer.