Thursday March 31st 2011- Day 87

I wake up very nauseous and in alot of pain..it has been a rough exhausting week. No matter how much I sleep I feel like I cant get enough. I am slowly starting to lose my patience. I still cant keep food down so I avoid eating as much as I can. I dont know how much more I can take. My day at work goes by uneventful but on the way home I'm feeling pain and I am completely unhappy. I text him and he answers back with a short message. It doesnt console me at all. I'm feeling all the pain and illness wearing on me. I am emotionally drained. I start to cry on the train. I dont care who sees me. I just feel like I cant take it anymore. I get home and I lay in bed sobbing uncontrollably. How much more do I have to endure? Why me? What did I do to deserve this misery? Am I being punished for past indiscretions? I know I have family and friends supporting me but I feel so alone and miserable. This isnt fair. So many evil people in the world who have done unspeakably bad things to others. I have tried to live my life right be a good person with a good heart. Yet here I am facing the possibility of my own death. I'm not even 40..it's so fucked up. I want to wake up from this living nightmare but this is my life. Everything I ever dreamed of, wished for, hoped for is now something I may not live to see come true. Why am I being punished? I dont know how much more I can take. There was a time when I was younger when I tried to kill myself..now I'm scared of losing my life. It so depressing to think about. I feel like all my dreams are being crushed. I wanted to go away to school full-time but now I cant because I cant afford to not have insurance coverage. I have a terminal illness that I'll have for the rest of my life. I feel trapped. I hate my job but I cant leave it. I feel my dreams slipping away from me. I cry until I cant cry anymore. I dont even want to eat I just want to go to bed and sleep til my heart stops hurting.