Tuesday April 19 2011- Day 106

I have a 9 am appt with Dr. McSwain..this is a follow-up after surgery. She has already told me the good news so I'm kinda looking forward to meeting with her. I leave at the normal time for work and go to the GW MFA bldg. I arrive on time and wait. They bring me back and have me get undressed from the waist up and wait for Dr. McSwain. She comes in and checks on the progress of my surgical scars. She tells me everything looks good. She then proceeds to show me the pathology report with the information she already let me know last week. Now she tells me all I need to do is go through radiation. My heart sinks. I dont understand..I thought once I was cancer free I didnt have to do anymore treatment. She explains that radiation is not required but is highly recommended. That I should come back the next day and meet with the radiologist who can explain it better than she can. I'm too depressed to say anything other than ok. She asks if I have questions and I ask her when can I get the port out of my chest. She says she will talk to Dr. Tabarra and find out..he has to approve that. Ugh..this bs is so damn frustrating. I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of bs. She tells me to get dressed and she's going to have Casey meet with me and she'll call the radiation office to see when they can schedule me. She comes back and tells me I have an appt the next day at 3:30 pm here to meet with the radiation dr. Whatever I dont care anymore. She leaves and shortly after Casey comes in. I talk to Casey for awhile and start to cry. I tell her I'm just sick of treatment. I'm sick of all of this. It feels like it just never fucking ends. I want to live my life and everytime I think I can it gets put back on hold for this bullshit. She tries to console me but it doesnt help. I just want to leave and get to work. I get to work and let them know what they tell me. They are sad for me too. I work the whole day and after work Miguel rents a car and we go to VA to get Jermaine and go to dinner. We go to Ruby Tuesdays and eat and talk about the draft next week. We are excited about that atleast. After dinner we drop Jermaine off and go back to MD..we stop at the grocery store to get some things and then go home. I drop off to sleep around midnight.