Friday April 1st 2011- Day 88

April Fools Day..I feel like I'm being played for a fool everyday I live this misery. I have numbness in my fingertips now, another side effect of the chemo. They feel like they have been dipped in ice all day. It makes it hard to type because I cant really feel what my fingers are doing. I still have a weird taste in my mouth which makes everything taste disgusting. I get tired of eating..all I want to do is sleep. I feel a little better than yesterday but I'm still unhappy. I try to cheer myself up by putting on a real cute outfit with some cute boots. If I atleast look good on the outside maybe I can make myself feel better on the inside. The boots arent comfortable but they are fly and when I put them on with my outfit I do look good. I smile on the outside even though my heart is hurting. I get my co-worker to take pix of me and I post them on facebook and show them to a few friends. I get positive feedback which makes me feel good..despite feeling physicaly ill and depressed I still look good. It helps me to feel better about myself which I need right now. I try to keep myself from sinking into a deep depression by doing little things that make me feel good. I get off work and I decide to get my nails done. Something girlie to make me feel good and also to cover up the black crescent moons on my fingernails. While the nail tech is removing the polish from my toenails I notice the black rings are now on my toenails as well. I almost want to cry. I will now have to keep both my fingers and toes painted to keep from having to see them. The worst things become the more I pray for this misery to be over. I am no longer me..I am something I dont recognize. Life sucks for me right now. I am ready for the end. I eat a late dinner and go to bed early. No point on staying awake if I'm not going anywhere or doing anything.