Wednesday January 5, 2011- Day 2

I had taken some advil pm and some alteril the night before but hadnt slept. I am tired and my eyes are puffy from crying for almost a day straight. I get out the bed early and get dressed and ready to head back down to George Washington Hospital Ambulatory Care Center. It's a block from the hospital itself and this is where most of what I'm going through will occur. I still havent heard from the people about the port being installed but everything else is scheduled for now. Today I have a MRI and an EKG scheduled. I wanted someone with me for the MRI because if you have never seen one this thing is scary. Basically you lay in a coffin like machine with loud buzzing in your ears where you cant move a muscle for 45 mins straight while it scans your body. I want someone there because I know after awhile I'm going to get freaked out. Even if you're not claustrophobic, being trapped like this for nearly an hour straight can wear on anyone. As I'm waiting my phone continuously goes off. My family and the guy I've been seeing have been texting and calling me nonstop. I appreciate that I have so much love surrounded me but right now while I'm in the hospital I dont want to talk to them. I fill out paperwork and so does my sister in law..they need to screen her as well before she can come in the room with me. I'm glad she is with me. Carla has this light and positive energy about her that has a way of calming anyone but especially me. She is the one person I can always talk to who never judges or criticizes just listens and understands. Right now it's exactly what I need. For the MRI I must strip down to just my panties and remove all my jewelry. You dont realize how much jewelry you have till you have to remove it all. I put on a gown and wait while they go get Carla. They bring her in and she removes her jewelry and waits while they put an IV in my right arm to feed the blue ink that will be injected into my right breast. This will be done for the contrast so the area of the tumor shows up different from the rest of my breast on MRI. It takes awhile because I havent eaten or drank anything so my veins are small..I'm getting all the appts mixed up on which ones I can eat or drink or cant so I dont eat or drink before all of them which I will learn is a mistake for this one. Lesson learned. They finally get the IV in and we all go into the MRI room. They get me situated on the MRI-I must lie face down with my breast through 2 slots. I must lie perfectly still. They give me and Carla earplugs for the loud buzzing that will start when the machine begins. Carla touches my hand and I squeeze it trying to reassure myself even as I start crying again. She whispers "I'm right here..go to your happy place..it'll be ok." They slide me into the machine and it begins. For 45 mins straight I must lie perfectly still my head turned to the left while the machine moves me back and forth performing scans over and over and over again. By minute 20 I know I'm starting to lose it. My back is starting to hurt and I start crying. I think to myself this is what my dead body will be like inside a coffin because that's the sensation I have. I dont like this feeling. I vow that I will never let myself be buried. I want to be cremated and my ashses scattered..I never want this confined feeling again..I want to be free. I dont know why that's where my mind goes but that's where it is at the time. Death has become a constant thought. It is with me wherever I am now. I'm not afraid in so much as I'm disappointed that this may be it for me. Yes that is the reality that has set in. I know some may read that and take it hard but I have accepted that it may happen. I'm not wishing it or wanting it, I just have to accept it just like the rest of this journey. My prognosis is good of course, they are very optimisitic they have caught it in time for me to make a full recovery, but I would be foolish not to think that death isnt a possibility. So as I'm laying in the MRI this is what is with me. I am planning out my creamation, where I want my ashes scattered (in the sands of Egypt or in the waters off the coast of the Bahamas), I dont want a funeral just a small service where people can remember me fondly, no tears, just smiles and laughter. I dont want flowers or cards- I want people to make donations in my name to American Cancer Society and Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I want a scholarship started in my name at the University of Tennessee for a female journalism major interested in sports journalism. My life insurance should go to my family, my roommate and the guy I've been seeing..I want the folks with kids to be helped first. Minute after minute the time passes and I plan out every detail in my head. I dont tell this to Carla, I dont want to upset her that this is what I'm thinking about right now. When they pump the blue ink into my breast I start crying again and I hear Carla's voice reminding me she's right there. It is comforting to hear her even as I hear the sloshing of the liquid and my arm going cold. I taste a metalic taste in my mouth but maybe it's just in my head..I dont know. They tell me they are taking the final shots now and just relax it's almost over. Thank goodness..I dont think I notice how much time has passed because of my planning. The last shots are taken and they come to get me out the machine. I get up and hug Carla and get dressed. I ask them when will I hear the results. They tell me the radiologist will call me later after they get the results. I say ok and leave with Carla. I have to come back at 5:30 this evening for my EKG so I stay with Carla and Rob at their house so we can come back. I get so spend time with my brother's 2 youngest kids Robbie and Tatiana which helps me feel better. Tati is 3 weeks old and looks like me as a baby which makes me smile and Robbie is a 2 year old who is a clown who always makes me laugh. After all I'm going through the time with them is the most precious and best. I havent slept so at some point I lay down and doze off a little. As I doze off my phone rings and the radiologist proceeds to tell me they found something on the other side of my breast (the tumor is on the inside part of my right breast, they think they see something on the outside towards my armpit) and the test on my lymph nodes came back inconclusive so I must come back the next day at 1 pm and have a biopsy done on my lymph node and a sonogram of the area they think they see. I say ok and hang up the phone. I lay back down for awhile and at 4 we head back to the hospital. The guy I've been seeing keeps calling..I like that he calls so much it makes me feel better and he text in between calls. He isnt talking about anything but just listening to him is soothing. The trip to the hospital ends up disastrous as we get stuck in traffic and I dont arrive until 6:15 pm. I explain to the nurse what happened and she reschedules me for the next day at 3:30 since I'll already be at the hospital at 1. I part ways with my family and head home on the subway. The subway ride is my time to relax. I cry, I listen to music, I text, I rest, but now I also constantly have to return calls. I know I need to start telling my friends. So on the train ride home I begin to text them 1 by 1 and give them the news. The reactions range from anger (at the cancer not me), to sadness, to pity, to helplessness. I feel bad that I have told them and hurt some of them, but right now I need their support and love and prayers so I ask them for just that right now. I am overwhelmed by how many get back to me immediately and give me so much love and support. Despite my heartache I know I have good folks who love and care about me and they will be here for me through this journey. That night I pass out in utter exhaustion at 9 pm. I wake up at 5 am and have so many missed calls and texts. I text the guy I've been seeing because I know he's at work and apologize for missing his call but he says it's fine. As we talk I feel a change coming over our conversation. What once seemed loving and supportive now seems distant and cold. When I talk about it some of what he's saying makes me realize things our changing and not for the best. I feel like he is growing distant from me..maybe the cancer scares him I dont know and wont speculate but I'm aware that this will be the first casualty of my cancer. I cry a few sad tears but I cant focus on him and the loss of him now with what I'm already dealing with. I have another day of treatment ahead of me.