The weekend is time away from the hospital. I'm thankful for that though it is not time away from my thoughts. I dont want everyone to think that I'm always thinking negative or that I've given up my fight and just accepted death as inevitable. This is not the case at all. I am a strong woman, a warrior, a fighter. I have alot to live for and alot left to accomplish in my life. I did not see where the road went left instead of right, I doubt anyone ever does, but it has happened and I must accept that this is now the journey I am on. I'd be lying to you if I said I'm not afraid..I am..extremely..but I meditate and pray and I know that it's not my time yet to go. There is a reason why this has happened, though I do not understand that reason yet. Everything happens for a reason, even the negative things. I must have faith that God will see me through even the hardest times. I have dreams, aspirations, goals. I have school to finish and become a sports journalist working for the NFL Network. Interviewing players and filing reports that go on air. I have nieces & nephews to watch grow up. There is too much left to do for this to be the end so please know I am fighting this with everything I have inside of me. The hard days are just that..hard days..but not the acceptance of the end nor a reason to give up this fight.
Today was the first day this week I didnt cry. I know that sounds like that's not a big accomplishment but after a week straight of crying, it was for me. I decided to cut all my hair off today. I have been told chemo is going to make it fall out & I refuse to accept that. I dont want to be 1 of those people who hang onto those 3 strands of hair hoping no one notices or maybe to make themselves feel better about losing it. I dont know their reasoning but a warrior doesnt accept the conditions that the battle brings to them. The warrior sets the conditions. So if cancer wants to start a fight with me, believe me I'm ready. I've taken off my heels and my earrings and I'm ready to kick its ass! Rat bastard thinks it's going to catch me slipping..no fool, you got the wrong one here. Somebody gave you the wrong information. I go into every situation ready to fight til the bitter end..however it ends. I started school on academic probation..I had 1 semester to get it together or I would be booted out of school. I graduated from Strayer with a 3.85 gpa so needless to say I won that fight. I'm an intellect..I think things out. I fight with my mind first then the body. I will say this though..cancer has given me a new appreciation for life. I enjoy the stupid little things now. I got up this morning and took a shower. After more than 48 hours of not being able to do it, it felt so good to just stand there in the water. Of course silly me forgot to take the bandages off first so when I got out the shower I had to have my roommate help me take the one out my armpit off which of course being wet, fell apart and peeled off in pieces which took forever to get off..ugh. New lesson learned on that one..bandages off first!
On my way to the hairdresser my cousin and I stopped and got lunch first. We went to Friendlys so I got a brownie sundae for dessert. This is another small thing that gives me great pleasure. I have been told there is a possibility I will lose my sense of taste along with my appetite during chemotherapy. So for now I enjoy the taste of sweets especially ice cream. I eat it slow and savor the taste. So lesson for the day kiddies..enjoy the simple pleasures in life. So I went to the hairdresser and she is sad to hear that I'm cutting all my long pretty hair off. I have been growing for more than 12 years now so trust me it wasnt an easy decision nor 1 that I wanted to make, but since it is an inevitable part of this journey anyway I wanted to be able to control how it was going to look atleast for now. Once I told her, she understood and she proceeded to cut my hair down very short. I actually showed her a picture of the guy I've been seeing whose hair is the same texture as mine and beautiful but short as an example of the way I wanted it cut. Somewhere between his and Amber Rose I tell her. She cuts it that short. It is very cute. I want to color it blonde but since it was washed first before it was cut she tells me I have to wait atleast 48 hours. So we'll see. Maybe it will be some funky color before chemo starts..I dont know yet. I'm still getting used to short hair. I'm not a short hair person though it does look cute on me. I like long hair. I take a pic and post it on Facebook and I send it to my family. My father, who loves my long hair, takes it the hardest. I know this is hard for him, this whole journey I'm making but we will get through this. I feel like this journey will bring my family closer together in some ways and will make me appreciate all the beautiful wonderful loving sweet friends I have in my life. It will also make me see some for who and how they really are unfortunately and may for some make me pull back a little. Such is life.
Last night the guy I've been seeing called. He hadnt text all day so I had just accepted where we were. But when I heard his ringtone I tried at first to not answer but I did. I've been seeing him for 2 years so shaking him wont be easy. We talk a little..I send him a pic of my hair..all he says is that it's really short (no duh). Between calls (about 3 of them) I text him and tell him how I feel about our situation. He doesnt respond but I know he's getting them. I dont have it in me to care anymore whether it works out or not (ok that's a lie..I do but I cant focus on it), but I do love him and I just hope whatever is supposed to happen between us still happens. I leave that part in God's hands. I have a fight ahead of me and anything that falls by the way side now is just going to have to fall away.
All in all it was a good day to be alive and I appreciate that I got to see it.
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