Tuesday March 1 2011- Day 57

I have 1 more day left in this short week for me. I should be happy but I'm not. I mean it's 1 thing to recover the weekend as opposed to midweek. It's not an eventful day by any stretch of the imagination. I do a few things in the office workout and go home. I havent been sleeping well and nothing seems to be able to effect that. It could be the stress or the nerves or just my constant bouts of insomnia catching up with me. Chemo seems to make this problem even worse. I sleep in short naps about an hour or so apiece. They are annoying but it's about the best I get now. By 3 am I give up trying to take anything to put me to sleep cuz I dont want to over sleep for work. It usually means laying in the quiet dark til I finally drop back off for another short nap. Cant say I'm enjoying where this journey is taking me. There are experiences common between ever cancer patient and there are things unique to each individual. Some of my weird sensations, moods, nauseas, etc are specific just to me. The doctor just shrugs when I tell them and have no explanation telling me that they expect most of what I'm experiencing will fade with time after chemo is finished. I sure hope so. I would like my palate to return to normal. I'd like my dry skin or nails to return to normal. Id like to have hair again. Id like to be able to have normal sensations on my tongue or even remember what it was like to kiss or be held or make love to someone. Ahh yes..chemo hasnt killed my desire for intimacy just my opportunities. I'm not looking to jump on the first thing coming my way but just the intimacy the closeness the feel..there are times I miss it..I ache for it. I need to be held to be cuddled and made to feel safe warm and protected. To have someone fold me in their arms and tell me they love me and it's all gonna be ok..they will always be here for me never fear til I fall asleep in their arms. It is that longing I cannot explain to people. The part of me chemo has left me with and yet robbed me of at the same time.