Sunday February 27 2011- Day 55

I realize I dont have any milk or cereal in the house so I get dressed and my roommate runs me across the street to the corner store before he goes to visit his mom again. I eat some cereal and lay down and watch the combine. I am still looking forward to the draft in April. I am determined to go so I am watching players in the combine. Today is running backs, wide receivers and quarterbacks. I am watching for Cam Newton, Jake Locker and Andy Dalton at quarterback as well as Julio Jones at wide receiver and Mark Ingram at running back. This is the first year I'm actually fascinated by the combine. I lay there impressed by Cam but also receivers like A.J. Green & Edmond Gates. Cam runs a 4.58 and then a 4.59 40 and then jumps 10'6"..amazing. I'm so engrossed I dont notice my phone is ringing til about the 4th ring. I talk to my dad briefly and let him know what's going on. I'm still not up for talking much and I let him know I'm watching the combine so he gets off the phone with me shortly. I pretty much watch the combine through the evening. My roommate gets home and we run to the grocery store again. This time we get some groceries and I put them up. I am tired and lay down for awhile. I should cook dinner but I'm too tired. I eat some leftovers and get ready for bed. I am having moments of feeling very depressed. I try to stay optimistic or stay close to my roommate to keep from feeling too sad but sometimes the sadness overwhelms me. I think of death alot..I want the misery to end. I dont want to keep suffering. I am a coward..I wont ever kill myself but where is a sniper or a stray bullet when you need one. When that depresses me too much I cry it out of my system. I take the sleep supplement and go to sleep to keep from crying all through the night. I dont need this right now. Give me strength God please.