Saturday February 12, 2011- Day 40

I have no plans for the weekend and honestly even if I had I dont know that I would've been fully up for them. I have alot going on in my mind right now so sleep is eluding me. I can catch 1-2 hour chunks but mostly I lay in bed awake. It's 4 am and I decide to start tweeting. I dont know who is up with me nor who is going to read my tweets but I want to get somethings off my chest. I start to tweet and talk about my cancer. I dont know why I'm tweeting about it. Up til now I have kept my fans from the truth. I dont think I've wanted them to know that the model they've seen online looking so happy and healthy and lively is now sickly baldheaded and tired all the time. Ive tweeted that I'm sick or in pain but not what is the reason for this sudden illness I keep talking about. I finally start to type it all out. I'm not typing for sympathy or compassion. I am typing because talking about it makes me feel better and I feel like fans of mine deserve to know. If they've been with me for years they will be with me through this. As I'm tweeting I start immediately getting responses back..not just locally but from around the world people who are up and reading my timeline and seeing me talk about my cancer. I get prayers blessings positive thoughts compassion sympathy..an outpouring of love from total strangers around the world who are moved by my honesty and my strength to keep enduring through it all. I feel lighter and happier knowing I'm not keeping secrets from the fans who have helped lift me up and built up my confidence for the last 10 years of my life. The ones who helped turn a shy introverted self conscious little girl into a classy self confident woman. I fall back to sleep feeling better and wake up a few hours later in a good mood. My roommate and I dont have any plans for the day so we spend the whole day chillin. That evening my friend calls me and tells me he is making me some cannibus cookies and brownies. For those that dont know marijuana has been approved for medicinal purposes to help with the side effects of chemotherapy patients (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of appetite, etc) in DC. Unfortunately, I dont live in DC..I live in MD so getting medicinal marijuana is impossible legally. My friend however knows how to bake the cannibus into cookies and brownies. He bakes them and drives 2 hours down from PA to bring them to me and drives 2 hours back home..now that's a friend. I take 1 early and dont really feel anything so I take a 2nd one. The 2nd one makes me extremely sleepy. I lay down and sleep through the night without pain nausea vomiting or diarrhea..the first time since this ordeal began. He has left me a whole big bag of the cookies and brownies to get me through the rest of this journey which I appreciate very much and which I think on the really hard nights when I cant take the pain meds will help me out tremendously. I'm not one for taking any kind of drugs but the cannibus cookies are less toxic and less potent then the oxycodone which is a legal derivitive of heroin and causes severe addiction and withdraw. Despite being illegal the cannibus cookies do nothing adverse to me. They make me sleepy and feel hungry. Otherwise I am fine when I wake up not going through any side effects or withdraw as I have with the oxycodone. A new valuable resource that I will prescribe to. I crash in bed for the night and sleep a straight 5 hours that I havent done in weeks.