Thursday February 17 2011- Day 45

I text back and forth with Tracie through the wee hours of the morning. He is finally starting to open up again and on nights like this where I cant sleep I need. Talking to him makes me feel much better. I get out the bed in a better mood this day. He tells me he loves me which he hasnt said in so many days and I smile cuz it makes my heart feel good to hear it. I go to work in a cheerful mood. While I'm on the train on the way to work I start tweeting about my good mood. A realization that life isnt promised so you have to enjoy it as much as possible. I enjoy dancing & mouthing the words to songs while I run on the treadmill in the gym each day. I know I look silly but I dont really care. I feel like if folks knew what I was going through they would just let me be. You have to enjoy those childish silly moments that you normally take for granted. You have to not care what people think and do things that make you happy. You have to laugh. Everyday for some stupid reason or find a reason just to laugh. I have a friend who is a comedian. I love talking with him cuz he always makes me laugh. He also doesnt treat me like I'm fragile. When we talk we talk about life, football, comedy, etc. I've learned to make jokes about my cancer. He laughs and tells me I should do stand-up cuz things I tell him are really funny. Naahh..but it is good I'm learning to laugh about it. Not everything is funny mind you but there are little things I have a sense of humor about. The hair loss on my head sucks but my facial hair is gone..I dont have a mustache and beard anymore. I've managed to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes so far I made sure I got my eyebrows waxed 1 last time before the hair fell out so that they would look good for atleast as long as I could keep them. So far so good. Nice to not have to shave my armpits or legs..dont think my waxer appreciates that I havent been back in over a month but hey. The lack of nose hair sucks..I have a constant runny nose especially when I get too hot or too cold. I hate having to blow it so much. It causes constant bloody noses. My sores on my butt look like chemical burns..is it possible the chemo caused a burn on my butt? How is that possible? I'm reading to see if it's possible and it looks like that they are not unheard of. Ugh. Well at least that explains it. I have a good workout that day and enjoy making jokes with the trainers in my gym. They know about my condition so they are happy on the weeks they get to see me feel good and workout. I have a mostly boring day at work and go home where I'm tired. I spent most of the night up with Tracie so I'm running on little sleep. I eat and lay down early and fall asleep. I text Tracie when I wake up and we have a short disturbing conversation before he falls asleep and I sit up thinking. I finally get up shower and go back to bed. I wonder if everything that is happening is a test of how much the 2 of us can endure. It will either test us to the absolute limit or tear us apart. I dont know which anymore.