Monday Februray 14, 2011- Day 42

Valentine's Day..woo hoo. Oh right..I dont have a Valentine so guess no reason to celebrate. I guess u could count Tracie but umm no. I'm not surprised by the fact that I dont get any Vday gifts or cards minus my dad and my co-worker but hey a girl can dream right. C'est la vie. I love Tracie very much but I find my whole perspective on life is changing. It's not that I dont hope he and I end up together..it's just that our relationship is so secondary now to all I feel like I need to accomplish in life. Tracie has 2 beautiful little girls that I love like they are my own. The 2 of them along with my own nieces and nephews are my whole world. So now I want to help Tracie have a better life in order to provide a better life to his daughters. I wont do things for him, but I will guide him and assist him, support him and love him so he becomes not only a better man but a better person for having had me in his life. If all I do helps his girls to live a happy more comfortable life after I'm gone from his life (if I leave his life I should say), then I've done my job and I'm happy. My goal now is to get back in school, get my degree in journalism, get established in my career at the NFL Network and then offer to help my nieces and nephews to go to school. They can live with me while they attend college full-time. I will help them get registered, help pay for books and expenses, help them do paperwork, etc but they will have to be a full-time student in college. No part-time student while they work at Costco or whatever. I want them to get a degree and live a better life then the life our generation lived. It's not a reflection on the parents, I just believe that ultimately that's what all parents want, right? That their child live a better life then the one they lived even if they lived a good life. We want more for them cuz we dont want them to suffer or go through any of the hardships we may have gone through. A year ago I had surgery to remove a uterine fibroid. The surgery left me only 40% fertile. Chemotherapy left me infertile. Whether or not that will reverse after chemo is finished remains to be seen. I cant cry over that now. Honestly if I cant have kids then that's my own doing cuz I could've had them long ago and didnt. That doesnt mean I will not take care of the children in my life who I love very dearly. So my 11 nieces and nephews and Tracie's 2 daughters will all benefit from how deeply I love them and how committed I am to providing the best possible life I can to each of them.