Has it really been almost a month already since I've been diagnosed? Hard to believe 29 days have passed already but they have. Now I know when people read the rough days they feel the need to comfort me. Please understand that writing this journal is my therapy. I write it to be honest with you about what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. If I didnt do that I'd be lying to myself and to anyone reading this. I'm not going to lie and say everyday is sunshine and rainbows and that I'm always happy cheerful and optimistic. No, there are days when I'm unhappy, there are days when I'm extremely emotional and cry all day and nothing anyone, family, friend, or another survivor even can tell me that will comfort me. That's reality. This is a difficult emotionally exhausting journey. Regardless it is a journey I must make. I can do it kicking and screaming all the way or I can say f'ck it and accept that this is just something I must go through now. Me shaving my head was me just accepting that this was just the next inevitable step in the process. It isnt easy and I did not do it willingly, I did it to face this monster that has possession of my body right now. I can let it win or I can fight with everything I have inside me and do all I can to not let it beat me down neither physically nor spiritually. Simple as that.
This morning on my way to work I call my dad and let him know I shaved my head. I tell him that he must not cry when he sees me on Thursday. He tells me that when he talks about me now he always tells people he is amazed by my strength. He says its hard for him and he will get there on accepting it, but he's amazed at how I carry myself on each day and the courage and strength I display. Strength? Courage? I keep hearing these words..I keep hearing people say them when they talk about me now. I dont know about strength or courage. When I'm sobbing uncontrollably I dont feel strong or courageous. I feel weak sad and afraid. But then folks explain it takes strength to just shave your head and accept that you're baldheaded now. Mind you I wear scarves on my head all the time now but I'm ok with being bald. I wear the scarves mainly because it's winter and a baldhead gets cold easily and because I know other people will have a problem with a woman having a baldhead..I dont want folks staring at me. I dont like being the center of attention. I know as a nude model that sounds funny for me to say but honestly I like attention on my own terms not when it's forced upon me. Cancer has forced attention on me that I had never wanted nor expected. I accept it begrudgingly but I will be glad when this ordeal is over and I can go back to a normal existence of not being the center of attention for so many people. As far as strength..I dont know. You have to keep a sense of normalcy in your life. For me that means going to work, working out, spending time with family and friends and trying to find humor in the everyday. If that equates to strength to some people than ok I'm strong. But honestly I see it simply as you have to continue on. You cant let this thing beat you. Sitting around all day feeling sorry for yourself will not help at all. After my mom died I sank into a deep depression. I cried all the time. Didnt eat, slept all day, never got out the bed ever. I didnt work or go to school or anything. I just lay there hour after hour miserable wondering why I was still alive and she was gone. It took months for me to recover from my depression and I vowed I would never let myself sink that low ever again in life. So as hard as this has been and as hard as some days are for me, I dont allow myself to feel sorry for myself for very long. Yes, cry, feel bad, feel sorry for myself and curse the heavens for this happening to me but then I get over it pull myself together and move on. Life is too short for me to sit around crying all the time. I have a blessed life. I have good friends, good co-workers, great family and a man who loves me. Minus cancer I am healthy and fortunate to have good insurance that covers most of my bills. I have a long life planned out ahead of me. Who will or wont be in it is beside the point, but the things I want to accomplish are what are most important to me. I just have to get through this little side bar. So if all that shows a level of strength and someone feels encouraged by that message than by all means feel that way. I am only telling you how I am living my life now.
My day at work is uneventful but I had a great workout and I went home and crashed in bed early. I wake up wide awake at 2 am and stay talking to Tracie until 6 am. I miss him terribly and he reminds me that he loves me and misses me too. I know we will have to see each other very soon. Being apart is becoming harder for us as we grow closer. This experience has brought us much closer and I've come to appreciate his love. I didnt know if he could handle it, but he has been good to me and his support helps me on the really hard days. He reassures me and is patient with me on the days when I am the most unhappy and insecure. It takes alot because there are times when I'm so emotional I drive myself crazy so I can only imagine how it drives him crazy. But we get through each day together and that has been a great blessing through all of this. What happens in the future I cant worry about but I just enjoy him each day I wake up and have his love & support in my life.
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